


Chatoyer // Kylo Ren

by blurdive



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Blood, Blood Kink, Bloodplay, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Bratting, Choking, Cock Slut, Cock Tease, Daddy Issues, Dom/sub, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Dominant Kylo Ren, F/M, Finger Sucking, Fingerfucking, Force Choking (Star Wars), Forgive Me, Height Differences, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Murder, Naked Female Clothed Male, Need Brain Bleach, Oral Sex, Overstimulation, Possessive Kylo Ren, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Protective Kylo Ren, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rope Bondage, Rough Sex, Sadism, Sadist Kylo Ren, Slut Shaming, Smut, Strip Tease, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Switching, Teasing, Top Kylo Ren, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 77,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23603701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blurdive/pseuds/blurdive
Summary: 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗿 | 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘣 | - to shimmer*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧- - You were a girl that could barely contain her own mind. You fell in love with a man that did not have control of his either. Each of you dragging one another down, deeper and deeper into chaos. You weren't good for each other, but you needed him. You were nothing without him. He doesn't mind you have a murderous past. He loves you with every beat of his cocaine heart. He was a dark knight and yet still managed to be the light of your life.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 19
Kudos: 107





	1. - ange

**Author's Note:**

> please read tags before continuing if you are not comfortable with this type of stuff !!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂! 𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴! 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲!" 𝗛𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗶𝗺. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- none
> 
> ━━━━ ━━━━ ━━━━ ━━━━

**one -** ange  _( angel)_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_gods and monsters- lana del rey_  
- _"in the land of gods and monsters_  
_i was an angel looking to get fucked hard"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

-ˋˏ⁰⁰₁ˎˊ-

_LOOKING_ out into a small crack in your stone walls, you saw the green outdoors. It was lively. Fresh air swirls through the thin fracture that's slightly splitting your wall in two.

You were kept in a stone building. It was large and spacious. It was lonely however, such an open space... and no one to fill it with warmth besides you. You've been kept here for roughly two years. Every now and then you would have food dropped off.

You were kept isolated on the planet of Takodana. Deep in the dense compressed forests was where you reside. No one traveled deep enough in it to stumble across you. And that's why you were held here.

You were what everyone called insane. Erratic. Dangerous. Which was all true. You were deranged and damaged. But it was none of your doing.

Before you were stripped of your sanity you resided in Chandrila. It was covered in rolling hills and speckled with calm seas. To you it was perfect. It was the one place you remember being completely at peace.

After Chandrila you followed your old companion to become a Padawan learner.

Ben wanted you with him. He said he wouldn't feel whole without you by his side. There was something in you that people saw, you had dealt with The Force on your own, keeping it separate from other people.

Spending an amount of time training with Luke Skywalker. You were one of the thirteen students that he had believed in.

You were happy there with Ben and felt good. As if you would have somewhat of a path you could follow into the future. You and Ben discussed not seeing that future without one another. But that thought didn't last as long as you hoped.

One night it came crashing down. Ben had lost control and tore it all apart. He had left you. The faint memory of the last time you saw him was still stained in your mind.

~~~

_The night was cold. Rain and mist mixed with the soft air. The heat from Ben holding you close in his bed made it easier to warm up. It was the last time you had felt his strong hands wrap around you. It was the last time you remember feeling safe._

_You were dreaming of your future with him. Then you heard a jolt of energy. A green glow overlooking the two of you. The jittering shine was an overcasting light that blanketed over your skin._

_Ben's grip tightened around you as fear filled both of you. He reached for his lightsaber and the green light was soon accompanied with a blue glow. You closed your eyes in hopes of it all fading away._

_Then you felt pounds of rocks land on top of you. You blacked out. When you had woken up, a pile of rubble and debris laid above you. Pushing your way out of it and stumbling to find Ben._

_You saw him. Reaching out and grabbing him._

_He had quickly turned around, slashing down your face with a swift action of his lightsaber. You fell back and screamed out in pain. Your skin was burning and your tears streaming down didn't help._

_You looked up to him and saw the anger in him. The rage of red fire ignited in him. Then he saw your eyes. The fear that glazed over them. He knew what he'd done. He knew what he had become._

_"You need to get away!" He yelled at you._

_You cowarded back at the volume of his voice._

_"but-but I don't want to Be-" you began to say._

_"Get away! Get out!" He yelled once again, bending towards you. There was a crack in his voice. You knew pain was seeping out._

_You had stayed where you were too scared to move._

_"I don't need you! You're nothing! Leave!" He screamed at you once more. The last words he had said to you were that you were nothing, nothing to him._

~~~

You hadn't seen him since that night. You felt the healed scar lining down your face. As you touched it, it was almost as if you were brought back to that night, feeling the rage that poured out of him.

 _'get away'_ you heard. voices overlapping one another making your head ring. It happened so often that you barely even noticed anymore.

Ever since that night you're mind has only gotten worse. You suffered from schizophrenia and psychosis.

It was part of the reason you were so dangerous. You abused your powers due to the trauma you had gone through. Self-isolating yourself deep in the forest. You didn't want to hurt anyone. Not anymore.

You continued to stare out of the small crack in your stone wall. Fresh air seeping through. You looked out and saw the different shades of green and soft yellow.

Peaceful. Reminding you of your home planet. Oh how you missed Ben. Him holding you. Making you smile. Brushing your fingers through his hair and tracing down the arch of his nose.

Looking deeper into the green, you saw slow movements. At least you thought you did. A dark black figure was seen looming near you. Not seeing the face but making out the distinct height and build of this black looming character. It was tall and broad. Confident strides but came to a halt. Locking on to you. You couldn't see the face, it was covered by a mask, but you felt it.

You always saw people that weren't there due to your schizophrenia. It was just part of your daily life.

You continued to watch the creature lurking through the dense forests. You laughed to yourself knowing they would get lost deep in the forest like this.

 _"leave!"_ you heard again. The ringing in your head this time is almost over bearing.

You heard the voices in your head screaming at you. Echoing in your skull and only becoming louder the longer it went on. Pain was now infiltrating your mind.

 _"get out! leave! you're nothing!"_ you heard close.

Falling to the ground you struggled for a sense of stability. Hearing nothing but the loud screams and a faint sound of rainfall. The voices had gotten loud but never this loud. Episodes like this have you headaches but this became excruciating.

You screamed and screamed as the tears fell from your eyes and the spit fell out of your mouth. Your fingers digging in to your hair and weaving itself around the thin strands; A few of them getting caught in your broken nails. Your face turned red and you felt like you were going to explode.

Then it all stopped. You saw nothing but a black screen that overcasted your thoughts. It all stopped.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_Hi everyone !! this is my first time writing in a while so plz don't judge haha,,i'm really hoping to be more active writing this :) Thank you for making it this far !! <3_


	2. - baleine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗺𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘄? 𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂." ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- none
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**two -** baleine  _( whale )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
 _Old Money - Lana Del Rey_  
\- " _Where have you been? Where did you go?_  
 _Those summer nights seem long ago"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

-ˋˏ ⁰⁰₂ ˎˊ-

**Your** **head was pounding.** You couldn't even open your eyes. Trying to and they only fluttered quickly before closing again. When you had that quick haze of them being open, you had mixed colors of black, blue, and crisp red.

You felt alone.

But you liked it. you thrived off of the feeling that no one loved you. The pain. You loved feeling it. It was the only feeling that made you seem as if nothing mattered. The only time you ever fully did not care. When you were in pain you didn't care what happened to you. Because you wouldn't mind deteriorating away if you already felt like you were. The feeling of meaning nothing to no one. _Thrilling._

You remember laying on your back at night, a blank face, tears running down your face as it's hard to breath, the weight on your chest and pressure in your rib cage. Nothing mattered. It was extraordinary. 

No one. No one understood the immense pressure in your rib cage. Or the tons and tons of weight on your chest. It became excruciating to breath. The tear stains were now part of your skin. They have followed the wet trail for days on end. Your face rarely changes. always stuck in that neutral state.

Then you felt that pain again. You heard those voices again. They were now screaming at you.

 _"Get away! Leave!"_ hazing together and overlapping one another. _"You're nothing!"_ It went quiet for a split second before you heard this voice close, it was almost like you could feel the breath on your neck.

_"I don't need you."_

Your eyes open.

You were strapped into a metal chair, your wrists were hurting almost as bad as your head. Your eyes were fluttering open as your eyelashes stuck to one another from the slight bit of tears that fell out.

You laughed hysterically at the feeling of being confined. Your head fell back and leaned against the metal rest. Your body tensed. You couldn't move, this feeling was all too familiar. The Force. You smiled.

Pushing your head up and looking in front of you. A tall figure in all black. A charcoal colored mask covering the face.

"Oh I know who you are," You continued to smile and tease. "I've heard lots and lots about you Kylo Ren."

Your body continues to be held in a tight grasp against your will. Your head pulsating and small voices lingering around.

"I've heard a great deal about you too," the voice was muffled by the mask, contorting it in a way it was almost unrecognizable. "You know about the reputation you have right?" The tall figure walking towards you keeping his hand held out to hold you in that tight force. "You're the girl that slaughtered thousands looking for the one she lost,"

Your smile slowly fell. Anger was gradually building up. All the memories were ever so slightly crawling back up.

"The girl that only wanted one thing, you never found it, innocent dying at the palm of your hand. You knew what you've become. Even you couldn't bear it." The figure was now behind you. You weren't able to see him any longer. "You're broken, shattered into bits and pieces."

His words were igniting a fire in you.

You heard soft metal sliding against one another and you could tell the mask was off. His breath softly touching your neck as he came down close to you, still out of your view.

"Your Ben is dead."

You threw a fit trying to get out of this invisible restraint holding you back.

"You don't know anything about him!" You yelled back. You wanted nothing more than to break fear of the force and kill Kylo Ren. Then it hit you. The voice.

"There you go, now it's clicking." You heard him say as he walked in front of you.

It was your Ben. He was right there in front of you.

"I told you Ben is dead!" He yelled in your face, teeth gritting. When he had yelled at you there was a split second the force had let you go. You remembered that was always one of his biggest faults in his training. His temper got the best of him and he would lose control.

When he had let you go, you grabbed a hold of that power, holding him in that grip. Pushing yourself out of those restraints, walking over to him and watching as he stood there eyes locked on you. He knew you wouldn't hurt him.

"You know i'm stronger than you Ben. But-" you were cut off by the ringing in your head.

You let go as Kylo grabbed your wrists, pushing your back against the wall, hands above your head. He was so close to you.

"You used to be stronger than me, but not anymore," his words aren't hostile. He looked down at your lips, and then back up to your eyes. "Not anymore."

Tears were now slowly beginning to fall from the corners over your eyes. He was right there, you wanted to kiss him and hold him and run your fingers through his hair like you did so many years ago. Then the man you had destroyed yourself over was right there.

"Don't cry," His voice was neutral. There was no longer any emotion in any of his words. Cold and dark. "You know this was inevitable, you saw the person I was becoming."

You looked deep into his eyes. The warm honey brown you spent so many hours staring in to were gone. Kylo was right, your Ben was dead. He was nothing left then a figment of your own past memory.

"You left me," You softly cried. " _You left me!"_ You screamed in his face with your tears falling down the side of your cheek.

You occasionally had manic episodes that spewed rage caused by your psychosis and schizophrenia. Your mind has decided for you that you were passed due for one.

You fought against him and screamed in his face, your head hurting and your nose was stuffy. The screams your throat had let out were scratching the inside of your skin. Burning as you tried to get free of him. Everything you've ever wanted was at your fingertips, and yet you couldn't seem to grasp hold of it.

"You left me and you didn't even _come_ _back_ to look for me! You never even came back..." Your fit of rage was slowly calming down as those words left your lips. Sorrow blanketed over you and fell deep into your chest. Your throat was sore.

Kylo continued to hold you tight and look down at you, no expression on his face.

"Why do you think you are here with me now? I've finally found you."

 **—————**  
 **Hello :)) i hope all is going well !! I'm really trying my best with these chapters and I hope you enjoy them** 🥺 **ciao ! I love u all <3 **  
  



	3. - bisou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹." 𝗛𝗲 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗮 𝗳𝗲𝘄 𝗯𝘂𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝘆. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝘂𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings  
> \- none
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

three - bisou ( kiss )

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_ big eyes - lana del rey _

_\- "I used to think that I could trust you_

_I was your woman  
_ _You were my knight and shining companion"_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

⁰⁰₃

**Those** **words rang bells in your ears.** It was like sirens blaring. Your wrists hurt, he was holding you so roughly.

"Ben..." you tried to say.

"Ben is gone!" He yelled at you again. You flinched at his harsh voice. You wanted to go back home.

"Please let me go." You pleaded trying to pry your wrists away.

He looked deep into your eyes and you could see that sense of rage in him slowly fall into confliction.

Kylo wanted to fight his feelings so bad. But you made it so hard for him to.

He let go of your wrists backing up.

You were scared of the man standing in front of you. This wasn't the person you grew up loving. He was turned into someone you no longer knew. You wanted your Ben back. You didn't know how to feel or what to do.

Your everything was standing in front of you. Wanting nothing more than to reach forward and hold him, but at the same time you wanted to cower in fear at the person he's become. You dedicated the last multiple years of your life to finding this one man. And he was Kylo Ren.

You both had turned into monsters.

Kylo's lips pursed, as if he wanted to say something. But you had beaten him to it.

"Why did...why did it take you so long," you began to feel yourself choking up. "I looked everywhere for you." You looked up to him.

He kept his same facial expression, it was blank yet cold. He looked at you like you were nothing. 

"Come with me." He sternly said walking up to you and grabbing a hold of your wrists once again. He pushed them behind your back, Kylo knew you couldn't continue to renounce him and his grip.

He was behind you, holding your wrists tightly together at the small of your back. He gently pushed you forward, ushering you to walk.

You kept your mouth closed and your head low. Even with everything happening, you were grateful to have finally had him with you again. Even if it was under restraint of him, he was here. Years and years of hoping and wishing he was still out there, and here he was. With you.

You would be lying if you said you hadn't missed the feeling of him holding you, even something small like this.

As you walked through the halls of the large ship, you could feel so many eyes looking at you. Kylo had stayed close behind you, guiding you through many different hallways and even he was trying to avoid contact with other people.

You tried to adjust your wrists in his harsh grip; It's not that it hurt, it just wasn't the most comfortable you've ever been.

Kylo felt your sudden movement and quickly tightened his hold on you. You almost flinched against him at his action. Then you realized how you had startled him. He may be a different man then he was back then, but you still loved the idea and thought of what he used to be. You wanted nothing more than to please him, or even have the sense of pleasing him and having Kylo show you the slightest bit of affection.

You built up the courage to finally open your mouth as you walked through the halls.

"Sorry Ben- I- I mean-" You had realized your mistake and didn't know what to do.

He had stopped you in front of a black door, it had been down a hallway that it seemed no one else went down. You felt his hair slowly fall next to your face, he was next to you.

"You know what to call me." He whispered against you, feeling his leather gloves press against the cold skin on your wrists.

"Yes," you muttered. "I'm sorry _Kylo_." It pained you to call him that, but you wanted to make him happy.

"Good girl." He gently whispered again as he pressed a few buttons on the side of the doorway. The black metal sliding open as he pushed you into his living quarters.

Kylo had let go of you and let you softly step around the room, trying to gather the objects of your surroundings. You weren't scared. You didn't know what to feel. You were happy he was here, but you knew it wasn't all him.

"Have a seat, I think you know we need to discuss some things," Kylo had ordered as you sat down on the edge of his bed. He continued to stay standing, only being a few steps in front of you. He was looking at your scar trailing down the side of your face.

"Uhm, why, why did you bring me in here?" You quietly asked.

He saw how nervous you were, but it was better than you being an angry, confused, maniac in the other room.

"I thought you'd be more comfortable. I did actually mean it when we have some things to talk about,"

"Yeah, you think?" You mumbled to yourself with a sudden bit of courage.

"Let me finish." He sternly said looking you in the eyes. "Can you hear me?" He asked.

You knew what he was talking about, you and him had always been connected by The Force and always were able to hear each other's thoughts. "Uhm, no not anymore. I haven't been able to hear people in years."

Kylo nodded in understanding as his arms were folded.

"You know, I went to Takodana just to find you," He had begun to say. "I felt everything in me telling me to look in that forest. I found the place you were staying and I tried connecting to you. I felt you there, but all I heard back was overlapped talking. It's nothing I've ever had before. I can still hear your thoughts just fine, and, to be frank," He softly laughed filling your chest with a warm feeling. "Your thoughts are very loud to say the least." You almost blushed in embarrassment at his comment.

After the way you saw him looking at you, you felt a bit more comfortable. He wasn't looking at you like you were nothing like he had in the other room. You wanted to open up.

"I mean, I feel it when you talk to me. If that makes any sense. I have, I have these voices in my head. They've been worse recently for some reason." You told him shifting in your seat a little bit.

"What do you mean you have voices in your head? What are they saying to you?" He asked with a intrigued tone in his voice.

You began to get nervous. "I don't think you want to know," You sounded sincere and weary. You knew what the voices were saying and you knew where they got the idea of what they were saying.

"Tell me, _now_. _"_ Kylo sternly said taking a few steps towards you.

"Well, they uhm- they tell me all the things you told me. That night you left me. Told me to go away, that I was nothing, how you didn't need me. Those are the things they tell me." You trailed off no longer being able to look him in the eyes.

You saw his face slightly scrunch with understanding. You could tell he was remembering back to that night.

"Did they only start after, after that night?" Kylo crossed his arms again.

You looked up at him and nodded your head.

"I uhm, I developed some issues, and some other things but I don't really think you care to be honest." you slightly smiled at the end trying not to sound so harsh.

Kylo had continued to keep his mouth closed, not knowing what to say. His dark eyes staring deep in to you. 

"So, yeah- yeah I can't hear you anymore." You confessed looking down with your eyes, trailing your mind somewhere else.

This new feeling was so foreign to you. You felt like you were nothing still, nothing to him. But it was almost as if deep down, somewhere in him, he still loved you. Somewhere.

You thought back to the last night you spent with Ben on Chandrila.

~~~

_We could hear the evening birds chirping goodnight as the sun began to set. Bugs were surrounding the area we lived in. Watching as the glowing, fluttering bugs floated through the air and lit up the small area they flew into. Scores of them were seen in the trees that surrounded us. The light blue sky was smeared with pink clouds. Reflecting off of the vibrant orange sun that was casting its glow on the deep green forest in front of us._

~~~

You remember the feeling of overwhelming happiness you had. The warmth you had felt from Ben holding you close. Laying together and falling asleep under the setting sun. You remember how you both gave all you had into that last night on Chandrila. You remember it all.

Kylo did too. He didn't have to hear your thoughts to know that.

You had let your mind trail off and zone out, your vision became blurry from not focusing on anything. Losing track of space and losing track of time.

Kylo stepped towards you, picking you up out of your trance as you looked up at him.

"We can talk more tomorrow, I think you should rest." He calmly said, he was trying his best not to show his true feelings.

"You know it's all for you. You make me feel like there's something I never knew I wanted." You blurted out, not breaking your low eye contact with him.

Kylo had a break in his blank face, it was almost as if he had let a sly smirk shine through at you. "I'll let you sleep here tonight." He held out a hand for you to take.

You nodded and grabbed his gloved covered hand, he helped you up from your seat on his bed. When he had brought you up, he held you close to him, his other hand holding your lower back.

You wanted to kiss him so bad. You wanted to feel him against you just one more time. Your heart was racing the second you had touched his gloved hand. You were falling back into his spell.

The pressure of him holding your back had tightened, he softly lifted you up. Pressing his lips against yours. You felt your heart explode. His lips melted with yours perfectly just as they did so many years ago. Deepening the kiss as he pushed against you. You felt small tears form at the corners of your eyes.

Kylo had lowered you down, fear of breaking the kiss. You separated from one another as you looked up at him with glistening eyes and a large closed lipped smile.

He leaned down next to your ear.

"Very loud thoughts, _very_ _loud_. _"_ He whispered holding your waist tight. 

Kylo guided you towards the front of his bed. He left you standing there as he walked towards one of his dressers. Pulling out what looked to be a long black sweater.

He had walked back up to you, setting the sweater down on the bed. Next to you. You continued to stay standing in front of him. Your heart felt like it was full of happiness once again. It was filled with warmth and fluttered with excitement.

You felt Kylo's hands grip at the bottom of your shirt, he pulled up the soft fabric of your shirt off of you. Feeling the cold air of his room hit your bare skin. Sending a trail of shivers up your spine and leading up to your neck.

He had taken a second to ponder over your bare skin. He tried his best to restrain himself, but he couldn't help but take a few moments to admire your bare chest in front of him. Kylo knew he didn't have time to divulge into you yet.

Kylo took a sharp breathe, looking away from you.

He leaned down and grabbed the long sweater, pulling it overtop of your head and covering your bare skin. The sweater fell off of your shoulder and came to an end slightly above your knees.

"Goodnight. Stay in here until I come get you next." Kylo said to you as he began to walk out of his room.

"Uhm- B- Kylo," You yelled, grabbing his attention. "Thank you." You smiled.

He hadn't even looked back at you. That tight, tender feeling flowing through your heart as he walked out of his room, leaving you alone. 

You pressed your arms close against you, feeling the fabric of his sweater on your soft skin.

You undressed from the rest of your clothes, leaving the shirt he had gave on and you slid into his bed. The warm comforter and soft pillows smelled like him. You let the tears continue to slowly fall from your eyes and on to his pillow. For the first time in years, you could fall asleep knowing you might actually mean something to someone.

 **————————-**  
 **I fucking love Ben Solo (** ⊃ **｡** **•́** **‿** **•̀** **｡** **)** ⊃  
 **okay I <3 u all, ciao, stay safe ****♥︎**  
  



	4. - brindille

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗪𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁?" 𝗛𝗲 𝗮𝘀𝗸𝗲𝗱, 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘆𝗲𝘀 𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗸 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘄. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- none
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

four - brindille ( twig )

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_ Lucky Ones - Lana Del Rey _

_\- "I got so scared, I thought no one could save me_

_You came along, scooped me up like a baby"_

_｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡_

⁰⁰₄

  
****  
**Kylo** **sat in the conference room.** He was in the middle of having a meeting with Hux. They discussed you.

He sat back in his chair at the head of the table as Hux was just a few seats diagonal from him. They are deliberating the subject of marriage.

No one else knew the relationship the two of you had shared long ago. So for Hux to first hear the idea of marriage had him indifferently confused at Kylo's proposition.

"Why would you have the desire to wed a woman like _that_. She's known for having the reputation of being deranged and sporadic. She's quite literally psychotic. It is well known that she holds this insane and manic power that is unheard of," Hux's voice began to rise as he continued to debate with Kylo. "I cannot help but think you have fallen weak to her and are making up excuses to keep her around!"

Kylo slammed his fist against the steel table and stood up.

"You will not assume such things about me! You said it yourself, she is capable of power you can't even begin to think imaginable. Power. She is capable of being tamed, she's already so vulnerable I can have her wrapped around my fingertips sooner than you think." Kylo had stammered.

"Y-yes Supreme Leader... my apologies." Hux had replied with a flushed face.

Surprisingly, it was not the comment of Hux calling him weak that had set Kylo off; It was the numerous comments Hux made about _you_.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You woke up in his comforting black bed. Sitting up against the headboard. His sweater was falling over your shoulder since it was already used to his broad build. Taking your time to really examine Kylo's living space. The whole room was much similar to the last room you were in before he had brought you to this one. Black durasteel with small bits of cool blue and spitting red.

But this was more simplistic. There was nothing too out of the ordinary, it was very sharp. Seeing how everything almost came to a point. It has been forever since you were in a room like this. Always used to the mossy and dirty stone that you resided in for the last two years.

"Where is Ben?" you thought to yourself. You looked around the room and had seen a tall black figure standing in the corner. Startling you from its large build. It was looming around and almost had the outline of a shadow, not even being fully opaque.

"K-Kylo?" you quietly asked, gripping the bed sheets.

The figure didn't seem to move. It stayed looming in the corner and said nothing. You couldn't even make out the face.

 _"Where have you gone? What have you become?"_ you hear voices saying on the other side of the room. It was Ben's voice.

You looked over in that direction and saw nothing.

 _"I can't do this."_ You now heard your voice around the room somewhere, you looked around trying to find the source.

You heard a baby crying. The sound was now bouncing off the walls. You heard women and children screaming, men begging for their families to not be hurt.

It all went silent. There was nothing. But then you heard the sound of rainfall. Waves crashing and thunder now rumbling. You looked back to that corner of the room. The shadow was gone.

Quickly turning your head you saw it now standing next to you by the bed.

You remained calm, not sensing a reason to panic. It outstretched its hand, reaching up to touch your cheek. The dry hands felt like leather on your soft skin. You put your hand up to hold it, a large warm hand, their fingers softly rubbing back and forth against your face, a comforting feeling washing over you.

You close your eyes at the feeling, rain is still falling. The rain is still falling.

You felt the hand pull away. Opening your eyes to hopefully find that warmth again. You let your hand fall off of your face. It felt wet.

You looked down and saw your hand covered in blood. Deep and dark, you have gone so numb to it all that you lost sense of what it smelled like in your presence.

You pushed yourself up from the ground and looked around; You were surrounded by dead bodies, pools of blood surrounding each and every one of them. Men, women, and children all alike. You spared nobody.

You heard screaming from a far. You quickly picked up your pace and ran towards it.

You saw yourself.

_You were standing above your parents. They were begging on their knees for you to spare them._

The memory of it all rolling back to your mind.

_You had a gorgeous white hilt in your hand, your lightsaber was yet to be ignited. It was white and silver, shining whenever the glow from the lightning struck the ground._

_"You're abusing your power! Come home!" Your father yelled above the sound of the strong rain._

_"We miss you.. We miss the old you!" your mother had yelled as well._

_You outstretched your hand, lifting both of them using the force. Their hands were on their neck grasping for even a small sense of air. You ignited the lightsaber. A gorgeous white and silver hilt was now met with a grey shining light._

You had received this lightsaber before you had gone dark. The grey represented a clear and calm mind. Those days were long gone.

_You quickly flew the lightsaber towards the throats of your parents, cutting the thick air as well. They dropped to the ground as you brought your arm back down._

_You watched as the life drained from their eyes, they died with the look of lost hope on their faces. You looked down at your hands and saw blood._

The memories were all rushing back. You tried to keep them locked deep and far. You let out a loud scream closing your eyes in hopes of just waking back up in the warm bed.

You let out blood curdling screams, tears falling down your face and into your hands, mixing with the deep crimson red in your palms.

You felt the warmth back on your cheek.

You opened your eyes and saw Kylo standing there, his soft hand was comforting on your cold skin. You fell into his hand, resting on him. Your tears were sliding in between the small crack that separated his hand and your face.

You reached out to hold on to him, and he faded into nothing. It was just all a figment of your imagination. Your schizophrenia created a fake world for you.

You softly cried to yourself, sitting back in the bed. Things inside your head were getting worse. And you knew there was nothing you could do about it. You still held on to a sliver of your past self. Ben had brought out the old you. The one who loved picking flowers and watching the sunsets. As Ben began to fade away, you began to fade away with him.

Not long after your episode, you heard the door slide open, with the harsh sound of boots following. You hadn't averted your view to look at him; You continued to stay pressed against the headboard, a blank face with tears flowing down the sides of your face.

"I thought I had told you not to cry." Kylo said with a soft tone.

You looked up to see his gaze, your facial expression was still stuck in the neutral state.

"You're not real." You croaked out with a small smile at the end.

"What are you talking about?" he asked with his head tilting, like you had asked a dumb question.

"You're not real. None of this is real. I'm losing myself. I've become a monster. And the worst part is," you quietly said taking a pause before completing your sentence. "I love it." You smiled looking up to him. 

He saw the way your eyes had darkened. The immediate change in you. You really were losing yourself.

"I love who I've become. It brought me to you," You continued to say as you got up from the bed. The cold air wrapped around your bare legs; the length of it only goes to your mid thigh.

You saw how his eyes trailed down to look at your exposed skin. 

You walked up to Kylo as he stood in his original place. He kept his eyes on you, you couldn't tell what he was thinking. His face was unreadable. You strived to get a reaction out of him. To make him happy.

You wiped your face from your stray tears as they no longer fell since you were in the presence of Kylo. Your fingers sliding over the deep scar he had given you years ago.

"I'd lose my mind for you over and over again," You said standing in front of him. His eyes locking on to yours. You let out a feminine laugh that even sounded psychotic. "I'd do it all over again if I knew I could get you in the end."

You had fallen deep into his spell. You truly would do anything for him. No one understood why you had always been so infatuated with him. He was your everything.

Ben had brought out the light in you, Kylo brought out the dark. And it has been such a long time since you had bathed in the warmth of the light. There was something about the Dark Side that no one understood. It made you feel so powerful. And you loved it.

"Tell me Kylo," You had a seductive look in your eyes. Lifting your hand and trailing your hand down his shoulder. "Would you lose your mind for me?" you smiled looking up to him.

Kylo couldn't tell what had gotten to you. As if he had just witnessed you lose your mind in front of him. There was something deep down in him, that loved this darkness in you. He felt it gave you that depth you never used to let him see.

There was a somber deranged look in your eyes. They were filled to the brim with infatuation as you gazed up at Kylo. He knew how bad you wanted to please him. He would be lying to himself if he said he didn't find this side of you intriguing. He had you at his fingertips and it barely took anything.

You lifted yourself up on your tippy-toes, pressing your lips against Kylo's. He was startled by your quick action and you leaned in to him as he grabbed your waist. He slightly groaned against your touch, wanting to keep you there. 

You broke the kiss looking back up at him, letting out a psychotic laugh.

"Please Kylo. I'll do anything for you. Tell me why you brought me here." You said walking back to the bed and sitting down. Smiling up at him.

He had a deceitful smile on his face. He looked at you like you were a child that wouldn't understand the proposition he wanted to make. Thinking of ways he could avoid the question but still intrigue you.

"I know you can help me. You said it yourself, you know the power you're capable of. Stay with me." Kylo had offered to you, his arms crossing looking at you.

"What's in it for me?" you asked furrowing your eyebrows.

Kylo began walking up to you sitting on his bed. One of your legs bent, the other one over the side of the bed. His sweater being too big for you and falling over your shoulder.

"I'd _spoil_ you," he started, coming close up to you. "Give you _anything_ you want," he was now right in front of you. "And I'd let you be mine. You can stay with me." Kylo had firmly said looking you in the eyes.

He brought his gloved hand down to your hair, gliding it down until his fingers grazed against the bottom of your chin; Lifting it up slightly to meet his gaze.

"Would you like that?" He asked, his eyes dark and low.

Your heart was overflowing with lust and desire.

"Yes, I'd like that a lot please." You nodded at him.

Kylo smiled.

 _"Good girl,_ we'll be arriving at Starkiller soon."

**———————**  
**I'm really trying i swear**  
  



	5. - brûler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗜 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲." 𝗛𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗹𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗻𝗲𝗰𝗸. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- slight nsfw
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**five -** brûler  _( to burn )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Honeymoon - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "We both know the violence that surrounds you_  
_But I'm not scared, there's nothing to lose now that I've found you"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰⁰₅_

**To Kylo, the phrase "soon" had meant roughly eight hours**. He had left you alone, locked in his room once again.

You were thinking of ways to pass time. Messing with the bottom of Kylo's sweater laying on the bed. You felt a cold chill run up your bare legs and up to the top of your spine.

And as if it happened on command, an idea shot up to your mind.

You walked over to a pair of large black doors towards the other side of his room. Pushing them open and revealing his closet.

You smiled excitedly and laughed to yourself at your great idea.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

A few hours have passed and you once again heard the cathodic sound of Kylo's door sliding open.

Kylo had walked in to see cuts of fabric sprawled around his bed.

He should've known better than to leave you in a room with fabric and scissors. He remembered back to the amount of hours you would spend designing clothing. It was one of your favorite hobbies.

He knew you were creative. And seeing you somewhat like what you used to be brought him back, a tender feeling in his heart. The feelings slowly and powerfully taking him over the longer he was around you.

The light from his washroom was illuminating out through the doorway. He heard your laughs coming from the room.

You stood in front of his mirror admiring your new dress. It was a long black gown that you had made using Kylo's clothing. You sewed it to be form fitting with two thin straps holding it up.

You looked over at Kylo who was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed.

"What?" You said, your expression dropping. "Do you not like it?"

"I don't like you going into my closet and ripping apart my clothing." He firmly said looking at you.

You frowned at his attitude.

"I'm sorry but it's so boring being in here, you can't expect me to sit and do nothing for hours," you whined, turning to face him. "I promise I'll clean it all up. I just didn't know what else to do. Are you mad at me?" you apologized to him, batting your eyelashes and slightly pouting your lip.

He let out a harsh sigh, eyeing at your gown.

"We've arrived at Starkiller, and it's not one of the most pleasant planets. You're not going to be very warm if that's all you're wearing." He said to you, motioning towards your very revealing dress.

You scrunched your face at his comment. Kylo knew the cold was one of your least favorite things. You loved the warm climates. The best memories came from the seasons with the most humid nights.

"Take this." He added after seeing your reaction. Kylo took off his cape and draped it around your shoulders.

The warm fabric almost instantly heats up your shivered skin.

"Thank you Kylo." you smiled.

He had looked you up and down again, viewing you covered in his clothing you had cut apart and sewn back together.

"Come with me. I'll take you to our new living quarters."

For all the time you have spent with him so far, he has continued to keep this cold and blank demeanor. Not even when you kissed him had he even given you a sense of warmth.

His hand was outstretched towards you. Taking a hold of his gloved palm and letting him lead you out of his washroom.

"Oh wait!" you remembered before walking out of his living quarters. "I made shoes!" running over to one side of his bed and lifting up a large piece of fabric to reveal a pair of slippers. Sliding them on your feet and running back over to him.

He slightly smirked looking at the way you rushed back to him.

"And what did you make those out of?" Kylo asked, the smile still lingering on his face.

You looked up at him as if you were a child that got caught doing something you knew you weren't supposed to do.

"uhm, I got it from uhm your sweater." you softly said playing with your fingers.

"Come on," he said while letting out a quiet laugh. "Stay by me. Don't talk to anyone unless I say it's alright."

You nodded your head, holding tightly to his folded arm. The feeling of finally being able to hold him was filling you to the periphery with euphoria.

It was the first time you were stepping foot out of his living area since you were locked in it. The sliding of the door opening into a dark dim lit hall.

Lights were lining the top and bottom, the walls emulating the glow. You stepped alongside Kylo, being sure to keep up with his long strides.

"What is Starkiller like?" You asked, trying to break the surface tension of air surrounding you both.

"It's cold. Snow is constantly falling. But don't worry. I don't expect you to be outside of the palace too often." Kylo responded being blunt.

"Why's that?" You replied slightly looking in his direction.

"I've been preparing your arrival for a good amount of time. I have everything you could want in that palace."

"What do you mean by my arrival? I had passed out and next thing I know you had me locked up like a prisoner." You softly laughed, making it out of the long hall and into another hallway. This time with slightly more people.

"I knew you were on Takodana, although I was not sure where. But then I found you. And the reason I "had you locked up like a prisoner"," quoting your sentence. "Was because you know how powerful you are. I know how powerful you are. I couldn't put myself in danger like that." Kylo discloses.

Whenever you two had walked by generals or staff members, they all had the same look on their face; confusion and fear. Two of the galaxy's most powerful and dangerous people were just mere steps in front of them, and they were hand in hand together.

"Well....why did you speak to me. That way you did. You were hostile." You asked with a slight bit of attitude and agitation.

You heard Kylo let out a sigh.

"I had not known where your mind was. How you would react to me. I couldn't get deep in your mind and connect with you like we used to do."

You let out a soft laugh. You saw how any sudden movements or noise from you made people turn their heads towards your direction.

"I think it's because you have a flair for the dramatic. You're- you're always finding something to be dramatic about." You smiled.

"Well, I can say we are one in the same for that matter."

You had not responded to his comment, feeling as if it was the end of the conversation and not wanting to push your already amazing luck with him. You had to remind yourself of who he was. Kylo Ren wasn't known for being a kind and warm person.

After all, this had seemed too perfect for you. Being with him was enough for you.

 _"Nothing."_ You heard, it was Kylo's voice.

Quickly turning your head to look up at him.

"What was that?" You asked keeping your tone down.

Kylo looked at you confused.

"I didn't say anything."

Your face was flushed red with embarrassment. Realizing where the voice you had heard came from.

You returned your view to its original place. Trying to ignore the voices in your head. A slight cold breeze running under the fabric of your clothing.

"Uhm, will I have to see other people? In-in the palace when we arrive." You promptly said, hoping to grasp your attention elsewhere.

"I'm sure you will eventually. There are a few people you'll have to meet soon. Not until you're a bit more settled." He said answering your question.

Walking with Kylo and making it to an opening. Revealing a large white surface. Cold brisk air biting at your sensitive skin. His cape flowing back at the force of the wind. Using your free hand to lift the hood.

"Stay close to me. I'll take you to our quarters."

Nodding in response, not too thrilled by the cold weather. Taking steps forward with him out onto the bitter planet. Your makeshift slippers are no match against the deep snow. Melting into the fabric., making your feet turn wet and frigid. You just wanted to get out of this weather.

Your nose was starting to go crimson as the brisk wind nipped at it. Your lips seemed to already red and split. The air becomes painful to breathe the harsher you stepped through the atmosphere.

It was nothing like what you were used to. But you wouldn't trade anything for this moment. You had Kylo. That's all you needed. All you needed.

Just as you started to find your peace in this mess of a frigid planet a blood curdling scream was heard.

You flinched at the sound. Looking around frantically as if the sky was to come falling down.

You realized what was coming next. This has happened to you numerous times over, yet you never seemed to grow used to the sounds.

You looked down, continuing to walk but now putting your trust in where Kylo was guiding you.

Screams sounding closer as you shut your eyes. They began overlapping in your mind. Gripping tight to Kylo as you trudged through the snow.

You heard his deep voice break through the screams and pleas. "Do not focus on them. You know they're not real." He said comforting you.

He heard them too. As he had said before, you had very loud thoughts.

"They were once real." You replied looking over to him. "And the thing is Kylo, I don't mind the memories that come with it. It's the sound. Hearing them constantly in the back of your mind. It's wonderful at times you know. At least I know I'm never alone." Looking back down at the snowy ground.

Kylo was beginning to see the change in you the longer he spent time with you.

You used to have a balanced mind. Neither siding with the dark nor the light. And now he noticed your mind had nearly disappeared. You were psychotic and erratic, he had to remind himself of that.

Kylo knew that at any point you could easily destroy him, you had the power to, but he knew how much you loved him. You would do anything for him and he was aware of that. He could melt your mind and shape it into whatever he desired.

He knew what he wanted to do to you. You were to be his chatelaine. His mistress.

You did as Kylo had said, you tried your best to not focus on them. Trying desperately to think of something to talk about. His deep voice cut through the screams in your head like nothing else before.

You craved his voice.

You tried to make out words to speak, but you continually found yourself unable to. Holding tight to his arm as you persisted through the snow. But the screams were beginning to become too much to handle.

Showing weakness in front of Kylo was the last thing you wanted to do. Holding in your own screams and please. You wanted to fall to your knees and cover yourself from these horrific sounds. Knowing there was no escape from them, but you still had hope that some day they would fade away.

The sound of the crying voices echoed in your mind and gave you an agonizing headache.

You had an idea of what Kylo had wanted from you. You couldn't let him see you at your weakest. You had never let him before, and you won't let him see. Especially with his new title.

The murderous Kylo Ren couldn't be seen with a sensitive and weak woman. You held yourself up to these standards.

You were to be the woman he wanted. If it's the last thing you did. You had to prove yourself to him.

Before you knew it, you were standing at what you presumed to be the palace Kylo had talked about. The screams dialed down and crawled back to the dark depths of your mind.

"Do you always have to walk through this much snow every time you arrive?" You scoffed motioning to the deepness of the snow.

"No. I wanted to walk alone with you. If we had been dropped off in the landing bay, I'd be swarmed by Generals and my Knights. I have things I want to show you first. I don't want everyone being near you yet." Kylo had firmly said.

There was still no warmth. He didn't speak to you like you were a real person, not one real conversation yet.

You still had so many questions to ask him.

"Kylo?" You softly asked, keeping your head down. "What do you really want from me? I'm insane, not an idiot. You don't want me here, not really. So why? What do you want to do to me?" Your view finding him as you looked deep into his eyes. Wanting to show him this was really you.

"We can discuss that inside. Follow me."

You groaned loudly at his constant suspending of your questions. Following him through the snow and up to a door.

"You will not have that type of attitude towards me." You heard Kylo stammer at you. He was talking about your bratty groan.

You had seen him mess with a few buttons next to the doorway and the door slid open. It revealed a large empty hallway. You assumed this was one of the back entrances. He pulled you through the opening with him. Turning to the side and entering a large elevator.

"Okay," you stated grabbing his attention. The elevator was now moving upwards as you and Kylo stood opposite of eachother. "We're inside. Now tell me what you really want from me. I'm tired of you constantly avoiding my question." You strived to get that reaction out of him.

Trying to find the human side of the evil Kylo Ren.

He let out a harsh sigh. His hands clasped in front of him.

"Come here." he ordered you.

" _No_. I want you to answer my question."

Before you had time to react, you felt rough leather around the soft skin of your throat. Dark silky hair was falling over you. You looked up to see Kylo harshly holding you in his tight grasp. He was so much taller than you, his towering figure almost intimidated you. Almost.

"Tell me." you squeaked out, looking at him with lustful eyes.

You couldn't help but love the way he held you. How close he was to you. You loved feeling this type of vulnerability towards him.

Kylo had a dark gleam in his eyes. A smirk forming as he looked down at you. Looking into you and seeing all the thoughts and feelings going through your head.

"You like this don't you," He tightened his grip, letting a quiet soft moan slip past your lips. "You like being pushed up against this wall, getting choked out, you want me so bad."

Before you had a chance to respond, his other hand slipped down between the two of you. Teasing in between your legs, your dress getting tangled and intertwining in his fingers.

"Go ahead, answer me pretty girl." He tightened his grip on you, turning your head slightly to look up at him more.

His smirk had turned into a slightly open smile. His eyes are still dark and low.

"Yes." you managed to moan out.

The feeling of his rough leather gloves squeezing against your neck was enough to make you melt.

You could feel him gather up your dress, the right side was bunching up, beginning to show more and more of your skin. Feeling his gloved hand slide under your dress. He felt along the side of your hips. Kylo looked down to get a view for himself, before looking back up to see your reaction. As he slid his hand in between your legs, he noticed you hadn't had anything on underneath.

Kylo stopped and you could see the hunger in his eyes was now evident.

"P-Please Kylo." You quietly begged, feeling him so close to the place you wanted him most.

"I don't think you deserve it yet pretty girl. You got a mouth on you since I last saw you. We'll have to fix that up won't we?" he turned you around harshly, pressing your chest against the wall.

Kylo bunched your dress up again, revealing your ass to him as he pushed the cape to the side. A firm grasp on the back of your neck.

"You want to know what I really want from you?" He hummed against your ear. His smell filling your nose as his hair brushed against the side of your cheek. You felt him push his body against the backside of you.

"I want you here with me. I want to be able to _fuck_ you whenever and wherever I want. I want to make you _mine_." Kylo pushed his hand between your legs again. Making his glove wet when he rubbed against you.

You let out a pleading moan. It's been so long since you've felt this from him. The pressure between your legs pairing with the fluttering of your heart when he had said he wanted to make you his.

His hot breath was felt on the side of your face. You craved him. Feeling a sharp pressure in between your legs. Kylo had pushed one finger inside you. He kept his tight grasp around your neck, shoving you against the elevator wall.

He continues to push in and out of you the harsher you would moan for him. As if it was a reward for being loud for him.

You felt yourself close, grinding against him hoping for more than just his one gloved finger. Before you had the chance to chase your high, he pulled his finger out from inside you. Pushing back down your dress and letting your cape fall back in place.

The tight grip still held around your neck. You let out a pleading moan, feeling empty without him. Kylo came close to your ear again. Holding you in place for him.

"I like hearing you _beg_ for me." He harshly hissed at you, letting go of your neck. You saw him exit the now opened elevator door.

**————————**  
**i <3 u**


	6. - brume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗮 𝗻𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻'𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂?" 𝗞𝘆𝗹𝗼 𝘀𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝘂𝘀𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝗺. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- nsfw
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**six -** brume _( mist )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Fake Diamonds - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- " You're like an old film reel_  
_Kissing me when the crowd can watch_  
_But when the velvet falls_  
_I can be sure you're gone."_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰⁰₆_

**You made it out of the elevator and saw Kylo waiting for you by a large pair of doors.** He smirked to himself seeing you slightly stumble and how your cheeks were flushed red. You mentally glared at him, already not liking the game he was playing.

Soon making it next to him in front of the door. Your legs are still trembling.

"This is where we'll be staying. This whole level is open for you to look around at. I do not want you going beyond this floor until I allow you." He said as the door slid open. "Do you understand me?" He asked.

"Yes." you quietly replied. Kylo looked at you as if you weren't finished. "Yes sir." You finished. Part of you wanted to see what would happen if you had disobeyed him.

The two of you walked into the spacious room. There was a large black bed to the left side of the room, much like the one in his other living quarters, but this one was bigger. Across from the entrance door was a tall glass wall in the back of the room. Looking above the Starkiller base. It was sectioned off from the rest of the room, there were vertical metal beams lining a wall to separate it from the bedroom; a large doorway opened the room up.

"The closet is through those doors, I have things already prepared for you in there." He said motioning towards a large door to the right of the bed.

You smiled noticing how he was already awaiting your arrival. He's told you he's been waiting for you, but you didn't fully believe it until you were standing in his room. Your room.

You didn't know how to describe it. It smelled clean and fresh. As if a window had been opened on a warm summer day. It had only a little bit of Kylo's fragrance. To you he smelled warm, warm like the sun hitting you while being surrounded by flowers. To you he smelled like that, but to everyone around him, he smelt like leather and a rainy day. But you didn't see him to be like that.

"Do you like this?" Kylo had asked, pressing the small of your back to guide you to the center of the room.

You were stiff against his touch.

"Y-yes. It's gorgeous." You said scanning the room. You didn't feel quite right yet and Kylo had picked up on it.

"Why are you so nervous?" He realized.

He noticed the stiffness in your movements, how you seemed to be anxious after the encounter in the elevator.

You blushed in embarrassment at his comment. You didn't know you were so bad at hiding your emotions. You didn't know what to say to him. You know you couldn't say what you wanted to, not yet.

"It's just new to me that's all." you lied to him looking away.

You went to walk to the room with the large window. Not making it far before a firm grasp on your arm was felt.

"Do not lie to me. You were always horrible at it." Kylo sternly said.

You had another idea. Definitely not one of your best, but you loved the end results running through your head.

"What's gonna happen if I don't listen to you?" You teased, slowly pulling the cape over your bare shoulders. Sending shivers down your spine as goosebumps pricked at the surface of your skin.

You were never scared of him. You didn't have anything to fear you thought. What's the worst that could happen, you needed him desperately after what had just happened.

"Do not push my limits y/n." He watched your movements, slowly revealing yourself.

It was clear you had not had on anything underneath the long dress. It framed your body gorgeously, raising and dipping along with your curves.

You let out a soft laugh heading for the closet. Taking the straps of the dress and without hesitation, you let them fall down your shoulders; the fabric pooling by your feet.

"Oh of course I won't. Wouldn't want to upset the Supreme Leader." The smirk could be heard in your voice.

You wanted to show him you could tease too.

Opening the closet door and walking through the doorway swaying your hips. You walked through to see gorgeous racks of jewelry and shoes, glimmering and shining against the lights.

You wanted to step closer to see them up close, but an invisible force stopped you. Holding you tight in your current position.

The firm footsteps shaking deep in your mind. They came closer up behind you. Dry leather was felt on the back of your neck.

"Don't move." Kylo firmly said to you.

There was that end resulted you thought to yourself.

Kylo slowly walked in front of you. He still had yet to look at you. His gloved fingers trailed over to a glass case that held multiple necklaces. They all seemed to be the same type, chokers.

He traced over the glass, opening it up and pulling out one of the chokers. It was all diamonds and crystals, about an inch and a half tall. It looked gorgeous. Shimmering in the light like you had just seen.

Kylo walked over to you, the necklace still being laced around his fingers. He kept his eyes locked on yours, not looking down past your neck.

Your heart was racing as he came close up to you again. Lust and desire burning inside you. You wanted him. Needed him.

"Your thoughts are very naughty, angel." Kylo looked down at you, his eyes now trailing down along your body.

You bit your lip trying to prevent yourself from yelling out all the things you wanted him to do to you. The new nickname sent chills down your spine. You couldn't help but let your mind wander some more.

"I don't think angel is the best name for me Supreme Leader." You told him, looking up into his eyes.

"Depends what type of angel you're talking about," Kylo said walking behind you, his deep voice making you melt. "You're my angel. Mine."

The cold, glistening diamonds were met with the smooth skin of your neck. Bumps formed on your skin as it felt frigid against you. He clasped the back of it together, it was gripping around your throat, but not to the point it was uncomfortable.

"Whenever you have these necklaces on, you're showing them you belong to me." Kylo walked in front of you. "I want you wearing one at all times." He whispered in your ear.

He took a step back, viewing your gorgeous body once more. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and press you against the cold wall. To hear you beg for him.

"Get dressed. Dinner will be ready soon." Kylo took a heavy breath before walking out of the closet behind you.

You sighed in frustration as the swift air of the door sliding shut hit you. Once you no longer heard Kylo's footsteps outside the door, you let out a heavy groan. You wanted him so bad, just to feel the touch of his skin against yours. To feel him holding you. Still not being able to wrap your head around the fact that he was really here with you.

Trying to think of another idea on how to tease him, you couldn't think of much else considering you had just stripped in front of him and he had barely even looked at you.

Walking over to the numerous racks of dresses he had prepared for you. One had caught your eye, it was a long black dress that had a deep U-cut.

You pulled it off of the metal railing, sliding it up your bare skin. It fit perfectly around your body, as if Kylo had remembered everything about you.

You gathered the rest of the items to complete your outfit. Every piece of jewelry and every piece of clothing was picked by Kylo alone.

Kylo's eyes were immediately felt on your body. Scanning how the dress curved perfectly to fit your form. The choker shining and shimmering in the light. Red earrings peeking out through your hair.

He was leaning against a desk waiting for you. Slowly making his way up to you. Keeping your stance firm, not looking away from his eyes. Almost like both of you were fighting for dominance. 

In the middle of focus, you felt as if a switch had occurred in your head.

Blinking a few times to regain concentration. Kylo held his hand out for you to grab.

You smiled grasping a hold of his fingers.

"What are your plans with me for the rest of the night, Supreme Leader?" you teased as the two of you began walking out of the room.

Kylo's harsh sigh was let out, making your way down the long hall towards the dining area. There was a part of him that loved to see the powerful, curious, persistent side of you; but he was only waiting for the moment he could have you begging in submission under his fingertips.

 _"Won't be long."_ He thought to himself.

"Wait until after dinner to begin asking me questions again." He said.

You groaned once again, eyes rolling and taking tipsy steps.

"You can't keep al-"

You were pushed up against the hallway wall. Hard metal hitting against your head as the cold durasteel touched your skin. The choker's diamonds pressed harshly against your skin as Kylo's hand gripped it tightly to your throat.

"What is your problem with that bratty attitude of yours? I thought I told you to fix that."

Kylo's face was close to yours, his chest heaving up and down staring at you. He was close enough to the point his hair covered both of your faces.

You swallowed hard against his grip.

"What are you gonna do about it?" Your eyes not leaving his.

Both of you once again fight for dominance. Refusing to look away from one anothers glare. Harsh and heaving breaths coming from both of you as you begin to feed off of Kylo's energy. He was irritated and ancy.

His grip tightened on you, slightly lifting your head up to look at him. The wordless tension was eating away at the both of you to the point it was almost painful.

It's been so long since either of you have been involved with one another.

"You're such a naughty thing aren't you?" Kylo sneered at you, his stance slightly shifting to push you closer against him.

"Naughty girls need love too." You smiled up at him.

His lips were pursed in frustration. The pressure on your neck was released as he let his hand off of you. The necklace falling back to its original place, red marks were pressed into your skin from where it once was.

His gloved fingers didn't stay off of you for long. They lined down the curve of your jaw and up to the bottom of your lip. He pushed his two fingers through the small gap between your lips.

They pushed hard on your tongue and then deep to the back. Your mouth is filled with the waxy taste of leather, the slight sweet tang of it hitting deep in your throat.

"Get on your knees." he gritted at you.

You happily obliged, sinking to your knees as he pulled his fingers from your mouth. His gloves glistening with your spit. Keeping your eyes locked on his. You were finally getting what you've been craving.

Your heart races with anticipation and need. He saw how much you needed it. Kylo took his time undoing his pants to the point his cock was presented in front of you. Taking it in the palm of his hand in front of you; you were the perfect height to be positioned just in front of him on your knees.

"Please Kylo." you begged, reaching up to take the place of his hand.

The Force held your hand in place just before you could grab him. His face was plastered with the same irritated look he always seemed to have.

"No touching. You're taking all of this in your mouth pretty girl." He groaned, grabbing a hold of your hair harshly.

You moaned softly at his rough grip on you, his gloves digging deep into your hair, finding a perfect way to tangle it between his fingers to make sure you were completely in his grasp. Your hand was placed back down on your thigh. Licking your lips, waiting in anticipation.

Without warning, his full length was shoved into your mouth. You gagged against him when he pushed far into you. Your tongue sliding around the underside of him, your eyes shut harshly.

His grasp in your hair tightened the farther he went back. You dropped your jaw farther down to help fit the rest of him into your begging mouth. You fought the urge to move your arms.

Kylo pushed deeper into you, tasting his pre-cum at the back of your throat and moaning against him.

"Look at me." You heard him firmly say.

You felt like you couldn't. His grip on your hair pulling you up to look at him. Arching your neck so he could slide deeper down your throat. Gagging against him once more.

"I said look at me you slut!" He yelled.

You opened your teary eyes to look up at him. The name he had called you, sending heat straight down to between your legs. Still not able to get over the way he touched you in the elevator. You yourself were beginning to become even more needy.

"You like that you little whore don't you."

You moaned against his cock as he slid in and out of your mouth roughly. He held your head in place to look up at him. You knew he had won the fight for dominance in this glaring match.

Groans were beginning to be heard from Kylo as he looked down at you. Sweat glistening on each of your foreheads. He began to push in and out of your mouth faster and with more eagerness.

He let out one more loud groan shadowed by curses. Your mouth filled with his cum as it hit the back of your throat. Kylo pulled out from your warm mouth, a small string of spit connecting the two of you as it grasped to your bottom lip. Your begging eyes looking up at him with hope you'd receive something in return.

He looked down at you, taking a firm grasp on your face as he let go of your hair.

"Swallow." Kylo ordered you, swiping away the strand of spit on your lip.

You swallowed down his cum, not breaking eye contact. Pain slightly hitting you when his thumb grazed over the split on your lip.

He spent another second looking down on you rubbing his thumb over your lips, noticing the cut and trying to avoid it. In his own way she was being caring, the actions being small enough to the point you couldn't even notice it.

"Get up." Kylo said.

You listened to him, rising from your spot on the ground, faltering on your feet from the position you were stuck in. Both of you fix yourselves back to modesty.

You let a closed lip smile form on your face, looking down and trying to avoid eye contact with him.

That switch clicked in your mind again.

Your hair fell in front of your face, seeing Kylo's feet move towards you.

Feeling his glove touch the bottom of your chin, lifting your head to meet his gaze. Your heart flutters looking into his dark eyes. He was perfect to you. Nothing could change your mind. He was who you wanted. His eyes almost being as dark as his hair, wanting to run your fingers through it. Seeing his full lips and wanting to press your own against them. And then looking at his aquiline nose; remembering the nights you would lay in his arms and trace your fingertips down the arch. Always loving every feature about him.

 _"You can't be thinking like this,"_ you thought to yourself. _"You know he can hear what you're thinking, you can't fall back into his grasp that easily yet."_

Kylo's hold on your chin brought you closer to him.

"You're mine now, don't forget that." He whispered to you, putting his hand on the small of your back.

You nodded your head with a small smile on your face, moving forward with him to the dining area.

Walking into the room with him, you were stunned. There was a large table, enough to seat eight. Everything being stained black with accents of deep red. The two head chairs being larger than the others. Plates in front of them waiting to be covered with food. Gorgeous wine glasses were met beside the plates, one of them seemed to have diamonds trailing down the stem.

Not even noticing how hungry you were before having the smell of food fill your nose as two droids walked in with trays. Setting them on each plate and filling the glasses with a dark red drink. Revealing the food on the tray before making their way out of the room through the door on the other side.

"Have a seat Empress." Kylo said, waking you from your spell.

You questioned why he had called you that, smiling to yourself upon hearing the nickname. The feeling of comfort washed over you in his presence, no longer feeling vulnerable and alone.

Sitting down in the large black seat, Kylo sitting opposite of you on the other side of the table. The variety of food being plated in front of you. The wine glass glimmering in the light.

"Thank you Supreme Leader." You thanked, setting a napkin on your lap.

He looked up at you from his plate of food.

"I wanted to discuss the real reason you are here, I'm aware you have been questioning the reasoning lately," you listened to him, beginning to eat your food. "I want you to rule over The First Order with me. To be my Empress." Kylo had not hesitated to veer off from the truth.

You nearly choked on your food at his proposition. Happiness, surprise, and fear filling your body all at once.

"Uhm- uhm I'd- I'd love to Kylo," you smiled. "What is your reasoning?" you asked still full of questions to ask him.

"You know you're powerful, I know you're powerful, and together I believe we can become stronger. No one besides yourself and I are aware of the relationship we once had," your cheeks flustering at his remembrance of your past together. "I've been considering this proposal a long amount of time. Just recently I have managed to become the Supreme Leader, and after that I came and found you. Marriage is something that will soon be arriving if you agree to become my Empress. If you are to deny this proposition and my requests, you will be dropped back off at Takodana." Kylo answered your questioning.

"What are your requests?"

"We will be married in only a few weeks time, there are missions I have planned fairly soon and I want you by my side. Another request is an heir. I believe you can bear my children and remain loyal to The First Order if something is to happen to me."

The idea of having children with Kylo caused your stomach to turn in a way you haven't felt before. Not being able to tell if it was fear, guilt, or the sense of being abandoned again. You found yourself not able to reply. Sitting there with a blank head.

"There's nothing to be afraid of. If you agree to these terms, there's nothing to fear. Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. This is a new era. One with you and I standing at the throne." Kylo responded, looking into your mind to find an answer for you.

_"Let the past die. Kill it if you have to."_

His phrase ringing in your head. You agreed with him. You needed to let the past die. Your sanity is never coming back. All those lives you've taken are never coming back. Ben is never coming back. You can't stay stuck in the memories and emotions of the past. Kylo was here with you now. You were with him. You had to let the new era take place in your mind. Letting go of the feelings, letting go of the memories and plans and all the hopes you had. Agreeing to fall submissive to his requests.

"I want to rule with you Supreme Leader."

**————————**  
**fuck yea this story is actually starting to sound something like what I want it to**  
  



	7. - câlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼?" 𝗛𝗲 𝗮𝘀𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘆𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- slight gore
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽
> 
> je t'aime tellement - I love you so much
> 
> c'est mort - It's dead

**seven -** câlin  _( hug )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Cherry - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "I fall to pieces when I'm with you_  
_I fall to pieces"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰⁰₇_

**You spent the rest of the dinner with very minimal talking.** Kylo wasn't one to make conversation. Both of you sitting in mutual silence enjoying dinner.

The idea of being wed to the murderous Kylo Ren sent an evil jolt down your spine. Igniting this new sense of power in your head. You wanted everyone to know that you were the woman strong enough to break through his sturdy walls. The both of you together would become the galaxy's most feared couple. People called you Peithos, Dark Angel, The Wife of Pothos. Peitho was the personification of persuasion and seduction. You were well known to be a gorgeous young girl that could seduce anyone you came across, until you found your lost lover.

Your story was told everywhere. Planets feared you. They knew how powerful you were. Known to be the girl who was abandoned by her past lover. Spending your whole life to try and search for him in the eyes of others. Wiping out entire populations for standing in your way. Something you and Kylo were alike in. Together you could destroy billions. There was nothing more powerful than a couple in love.

Pothos was the god of sexual longing, yearning, and desire. People soon came to call you "The Wife of Pothos." Taking in his longing and yearning and desire, filling you when he had left. Which was why you were so rage filled. Becoming a story in the eyes of the galaxy. Everyone knew you.

But now you'd have an entire new title. Empress Ren. And to you, it sounded far better than any other name society had called you. It hit deep down, inflaming a desire in your heart and bones. You were to rule by his side. In power and in love. Becoming what he desired. A burning desire. As if you had just come alive for him. The red igniting in your soul, the power filling your bones, the lust and desire stuffing your mind to its brink.

You felt balanced when you were with him. Like you knew your place. Taking no time to decide who you really were and where you really belonged.

The droids have come back to collect the remaining food fragments and dirty dishes. Kylo standing from his seat as you did the same. Walking through the doorway and into the hallway. Seeing where you just once were on your knees for him. A sly smile on your face.

You felt comfortable and safe with him. Without Kylo even saying it, you knew he would protect you. Already being possessive over you.

That was something you were right about. He wanted to spoil you. Cherish you and let no one else treat you the way he could. He wanted everyone to know you would never leave him. As he's said, the two of you are the only ones to know the real extent of your relationship. To society, they all believed it to be insane when Kylo wanted to wed you. Being known as the woman to love none. 

He was going to treat you like the fragile spiderweb you were.

The walk in the hallway silent. _That's when you've found someone special_. _When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence._ The sound of his boots marching along the floor was met with the clacking of your heels. Something that would become all too familiar to the walls of the Starkiller base.

The living quarters were met with your presence again. Looking into the room and seeing how everything was black and red. Barely any other color was placed within its walls. By the time you had returned, the window was black, only showing soft white snowflakes fall. The room was dim.

"Do you mind if I go in the refresher and take a bath?" you asked, feeling you needed his permission for everything.

Kylo walked past you and to his dresser near the windows. He picked up the infamous mask everyone feared.

"I don't care. You can do as you would like, only on this level. Don't go anywhere else." He answered. Sliding the mask over his face, the cathodic and reverbed sound of his voice could be heard.

Kylo began to walk past you once more to exit the room. Not taking any time to discuss to you why he was leaving, it seemed as if you weren't even there.

 _'His emotions change like the weather.'_ you thought to yourself.

"Are you not staying?" you quietly asked, turning around to face him in the hallway.

He looked at you through the dark view of the mask.

"No. I'll always have something more important to do. Don't expect me to tend to your every need," his harsh words stung your heart. "I'll return later." Kylo finished saying before walking down the hallway. Leaving you alone in the room.

You sighed and bit the inside of your lip. Not knowing exactly what to think, just being able to feel it. You saw your emotions in visuals. Not taking time to talk about how it felt, but seeing how it felt. The way you coped with your emotions made it easier to get over them. Now with your new soon title of Empress, you couldn't keep letting small things affect your mood like this. You shook away the feeling of sorrow he left you.

Taking a step back from the door as it slid shut, looking around the room continuing to bite the inside of your lip. Your cracked and red lips were already painful. Walking back into the closet to see if you could find anything that looked like nightwear. It was an extensive room, filled with your new clothing; Kylo kept himself restrained to only one part of the large wardrobe. There was anything you could ever possibly want just in that room alone. You've never seen so many shimmering jewels in your whole life. Placing your hand softly over the one on your neck while viewing the other chokers.

"Chatoyer." you said to yourself.

A soft subtle smile fell on your face upon saying the word. It's been forever since you've talked like that. No one else understood you. You felt comfort in saying it by yourself. No one could misinterpret you or judge you when you were by yourself.

Walking out of the closet with undergarments and a sheer black robe, hoping that Kylo could see you in them later tonight.

The door slid open to reveal the refresher. Much like the other rooms in the Palace, it was exceedingly large. An open shower to the far right, opposite of a corner bathtub, double vanities with a large mirror. It was similar to the rest of the theme, dark black with accents of red.

There were already towels and candles set out on the ledge of the bathtub. They were also a deep red with grey fluffy towels. You placed your clothes next to the towel and lit the candles. Starting the bath water and adding in a variety of soaps and scents.

Kylo remembered how you loved to embellish everything. Even with small things when it came to baths or how you liked your tea. There were vials of flower petals and scented oils placed near the candles. Screwing off the caps and breathing in their scents before dropping them in with the hot water.

The bath was nearly full of water, you turned the faucets off and walked to turn the lights off. A bath or shower was always more comfortable in the dark. It was more peaceful. You stripped of your clothing, shoes, and jewelry. Igniting the candles flame and setting them on the ledge near the faucets.

You let your foot step in. Humid water soon engulfed your body, bubbles and flower petals surrounded you. Closing your eyes as you leaned back. The aroma of the living quarters were now filled with the smell of you.

You opened your eyes back up, looking over to the door you had left open.

Kylo was there. No not Kylo, but _Ben_.

The black walls fade into a cream colored white. Flowers and plants placed all around the room. The candles seemed to change from red to a light blue.

It was a memory from the past, back on Chandrila

~~~

_You smiled looking at Ben in a dark brown sweater, almost the shade of his hair. He walked up to you, a glass ampule of water in his hand._

_"I brought you some water since for some reason you love taking boiling hot baths." He softly laughed, setting the glass on the floor near your bathtub._

_"Thank you Ben, but you know I can't help taking hot baths. It's cozy." you smiled back at him._

_He got down to become eye level with you. His eyes locked with yours. It was almost as if the gleam of light in his eyes were in the shape of a heart. You were both so young and so in love. There were things you wanted to do in life. There were memories you both talked about making. Lives you wanted to live. With each other._

_You slightly sat up in the water, to turn and face him. The bubbles and assorted color of flower petals clung to your skin that you had taken out from underneath the steaming bath._

_His soft hand touched the side of your face. Taking a few more moments to admire you in your simplistic pure beauty. Pure. You were white and gold. Grey and silver. Not an ounce of hatred or bitterness inside you. Anything you touch seems to shine._

_Ben looked down at your smooth pink lips. He pressed his lips against yours. They were soft and you could almost taste the love spilling out of him. It was all perfect. The kiss broke and you stared into his eyes._

_"I love you." you effortlessly said._

_"I love you too." He said smiling back._

_There were tears forming at your eyes, looking at him._

_"Oh c'mon, don't cry!" Ben smiled shifting his position so he could put both of his hands on your face. "I tell you I love you all the time! You don't have to cry." he teased pressing his forehead against yours, his nose pressing against you._

_You let out a soft laugh as he held you close to him._

_"I know, I know, I'm just happy to have you..." you replied as he took your forehead off of his._

_You took your hand from out of the water, tracing your finger down the arch of his nose. A small stream of cooling bath water fell from his face when you took your hand away, placing it back in the hot water._

_"je t'aime tellement." you said to him._

_Ben rolled his eyes and smiled._

_"You know I don't know what that means." He said standing up._

_"I'll have to teach you all about it someday." you smiled with soft lips._

_He began walking out of the room, leaving you to continue your bath._

_"Someday." Ben smiled before fading out of your bathroom._

_~~~_

The bathroom faded back into a dark black. You were left in the bath with a mouth that slightly hung open and tears falling down your face, falling into the water and mixing with it.

_"Let the past die."_

You had a sudden surge of panic wash through you. Your eyes tear up even more. Quickly, you stood from the bath and began to feel yourself shaking. The bubbles and petals clinging to your dewy skin as the cold wrapped around your body. Droplets of water are still seen trailing from your chest, to your waist, all the way down to your legs. Feeling warm wherever it touched.

You stepped out from the water and grabbed one of the grey towels. Bundling yourself under it.

You walked to the mirror. Looking up and seeing yourself. The bottom of the glass was foggy with steam. Staring at yourself with no emotion. Glossy eyes. You looked at your lips. Cracked, dry, red, bleeding. They were nothing like they used to be. Tracing your fingers along the bottom lip, letting your jaw slightly hang. Feeling the rough ridges against your finger. You moved your finger to trace over the long scar running down your face. The one Ben had given you.

Looking into your eyes and seeing white flowers, being painted with red splatters. You saw fire burning and dark birds flying. Everything felt dark. You felt the sense of animosity fill you.

The mirror no longer reflected you. Not the current you.

Stumbling back and staring at the reflection in fear and rage. It was you, but you didn't have the scar trailing down your face. You didn't have cracked lips. You didn't have the broken look in your eyes.

_"Let the past die."_

Your eyebrows scrunched in confusion looking at yourself.

_"You can't hide your secrets from him."_

The voices circling around you.

_"Don't fall under his spell."_

_"You know what he really wants."_

_"He doesn't want you."_

_"He's going to find out."_

You screamed out in frustration, covering your ears and falling to the ground. You were seeing all the memories on Chandrila flash before your eyes. You saw green grass and glittering flowers. You saw a vibrant sunset and pink clouds. Ben sitting in the flower field with you. Ben walking in the forest with you. Ben running through the clear water stream with you. His smile was the one thing you could never forget. His joyful and happy laugh echoing in your head along with your own voice. Drowning you in your own mind. The last thing you saw was the two of you leaning against a large tree, watching the sun set, flowers flowing in the wind. You're in his grasp, leaning your head against his shoulder. He held you tight, keeping his large warm hand over your belly. A small bump in the palm of his hand.

The voices faded and were no longer overlapping. It was reality now.

_"Kill it if you have to."_

A fit of rage blew up inside you. Seeing red. Standing up and throwing your fist against the mirror. A crack formed. You screamed looking at yourself. Continuing to bang your balled hands against the glass. Tears falling down your face in hot trails. Punch after punch. The glass shattered, shards of it stuck in your hands. You let out another scream. Anyone that could hear it knew you were in pain.

It wasn't the pain of the sharp shards in your hand, it was the pain of letting your past die. Killing it. Shattering it. Broken into bits and pieces. Becoming something you no longer wanted to have the knowledge of knowing. You had completely let yourself go. You let go, no longer holding on and reaching to remember the memories.

Ben's soul let loose from deep inside you. He wasn't going to be waiting on the other side. You knew no one compared to him. He left your head. You felt empty.

Slumping back onto the ground. Letting the cold floor touch your bare skin. Leaning against the wall while blood trailed down your hand. Your tears were flowing from your eyes with no effort. The candle's flames were the only movement in the room. Painting pictures on the walls in an orange glow.

"c'est mort." you whispered to yourself.

Your heaving chest began to fall calm as you closed your eyes. Falling into a deep sleep.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You felt hot. Opening your eyes and seeing yourself under covers in the large black bed. Your bed. You were on the right side, facing the refresher. Droids were inside the room, cleaning the mess you had made. Looking down at your hands and seeing bandages wrapped around it.

You were in the robe and lingerie you had planned to dress yourself into. Your eyes were red, your throat felt as if it was burning, your head pounding. You frantically sat up a little bit, looking for Kylo.

You saw him standing at the desk across from the bed. His mask next to him.

"What did you do?" He asked with a sense of annoyment.

You swallowed harshly, wiping your eyes and staring into his eyes.

"I killed it."

Kylo's face formed into an evil and devious look. His eyebrows only slightly curving, his eyes dark and low. A faint smile on his face. He walked up beside you near the bed.

"Good girl." Kylo said in a honeyed voice. His voice sounded nice and caring, but you knew you couldn't fully trust the person speaking the words. Sounding sweeter than they really were.

He looked down at you, placing his glove covered hand on your cheek, pushing on your chin to look up at him. He then ran his fingers through your hair.

"We will never be the people we were. You needed to learn to accept it. And I'm happy you did so soon. I know it hurts, and it's going to hurt, but only if you hold on. Did you let go of everything?" He asked.

You looked back down to your lap which was now sat Indian style. Messing with your fingers as you traced one of them over your belly. Feeling a small ridge of a scar through the thin material of the robe.

"Yes, I tried to." you answered looking back up at him.

Kylo seemed to have an expression of disappointment on his face.

"You can't hold on to that. The child would have never survived any of this anyway. Don't continue to let it ruin you." He said to you, pulling his hand away from your hair.

Your heart hurt. A pressure building in your throat.

"I-I know," you said. Kylo was looking at you, making sure to grasp every emotion you were feeling. "It just wasn't their decision to make. It was _ours_. It was _mine_. It didn't have to happen the way it did Kylo. You of all people should know that." you tried to remember back to the day everything with the baby had happened; but you couldn't.

He could sense your pain and see the effect it had on you. He no longer sensed conflict. He knew you made your decision. You were now fully committed to him. Kylo thought he could now ease up on you. Not wanting to push you back into the differing past.

"Learn to live right now. Live with what you have now. Not what you've lost."

You presented a small smile at his comfort. Nodding your head and sniffling your nose. You looked up at him and then back down, turning to face the window.

The snow was falling. White fragile snowflakes cascading down in swarms. Pillowing against the ground beneath them. It was snowing, it wasn't raining. You had to let the rain in the past fade away, you needed to learn to live with the snow. It was cold and bitter, but it was gorgeous and unique. There were going to be no thunderstorms in your future, so stop holding on to the only one that scared you.

You felt peaceful. Looking back at Kylo who was watching you.

"je t'aime tellement." you said to him.

Kylo softly smiled.

"Someday."

**_———————_ **  
**_Hi everyone !! Thank you so much for all the love, it really means a lot !!_ ** **♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎**  
  



	8. - chaleur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗮 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹." 𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗺𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗱. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- nsfw
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**eight** \- chaleur _( heat )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Cinnamon Girl - Lana Del Rey_  
_-"There's things I wanna say to you, but I'll just let you live_  
_Like if you hold me without hurting me_  
_You'll be the first who ever did"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰⁰₈_

**You layed in bed next to Kylo.** Backs turned to each other. You asked him if you could sleep on the left side. It was easier for you to fall asleep facing the window. After so many hours of watching the snowfall you would drift off. But soon enough, three hours had passed of you laying in the dark and watching the soft snowflakes fall, you had yet to be lulled to sleep.

It was difficult for you to fall asleep some nights. Seeing things, hearing things. Tonight you didn't have anything like that, but you couldn't sleep. Feeling too hot in bed but the blankets gave you a sense of comfort.

After you and Kylo had a small argument about breaking the mirror, you told him you just wanted to go to sleep. You managed to get roughly two hours of sleep before you felt the bed dip and Kylo lay down in the spot next to you. There was a decent amount of space between you, he wasn't making any effort to embrace you or get close to you, so you didn't make the effort either. 

You stared outside the window, biting at your lip. Pulling to the point you felt a burning pain and the faint taste of blood linger on your tongue.

Pushing the layered black covers to the side and getting up from the bed. Your back slightly cracks from being stuck in the same position for three hours. Still in only revealing undergarments, you felt the immediate sting of cold air.   
You made sure to stay quiet in fear of waking Kylo. It was too risky to grab one of the blankets off of the bed. So you settled for grabbing the cape you had worn earlier that day. Picking it up from the cold ground and draping it over your shoulders. Closing it around you, walking to the few seats that were placed in front of the large window.

Sitting down on the soft couch, pulling your legs up to your chest and calmly watching the snow fall.

All you saw was snow falling. Everything seemed to be set in to black and white. There wasn't an ounce of color beyond the window. The sky was black, the forest was black. The ground was white and the snowflakes were white. Nothing like what you had wished for. A chill ran up your spin, a gust of wind was felt on your neck and the sliver of your exposed leg that wasn't covered by the cape.

Breaking your sense of calmness, you felt him.

"It's gorgeous isn't it?" you said not taking your eyes off of the weather.

"Why are you up still?" Kylo asked, still laying in the bed, looking over at you.

"I couldn't sleep. So I thought I'd watch the sun rise instead." peace washing over you.

You heard him get out of the bed, his faint footsteps following.

"You have another hour until it even rises." his deep voice close behind you.

He walked into your view, loose black training pants were all he had on.

"I know. Like I said, I couldn't sleep. There's no use of me trying to fall asleep if I'll be woken up in an hour anyway," the position of your head slightly moving up, but your gaze not changing, as if you were stuck in a trance. "Besides, it doesn't help when you know the person next to you is pissed off too." you complained looking over to him.

You were whining about how he had turned away from you, not even making an effort to come close to you. Of course you didn't expect him to be wrapped around you, but a sense of being wanted was what you had hoped for.

"My apologies, next time I'll break something of yours." he snapped back at you.

You rolled your eyes and let out an annoyed and frustrated huff of air.

"Well didn't I do what you wanted me to do?" you scoffed moving your hand out from under the cape. "You make no fucking sense sometimes." you grumbled looking back outside.

"Watch your mouth. You will not speak to me like that." Kylo hissed at you, leaning down and grabbing your face to look at him. Hostility was burning in the room.

"Or what?" you snapped back at him, not breaking the eye contact as he harshly gripped your face.

His eyes turned into a darker shade of brown as he looked down at you. His grip on your face brings you closer to him.

"Or I'm gonna fuck you like the little slut you are." Kylo growls at you.

He pushed your face away from him, his strength sending you back on the couch. Your elbows propped you up while your legs were bent still on the cushion. The cape fell open, revealing your exposed body to him.

Kylo walked closer to you, coming to the point where your knees bent. Your chest heaved in frustration. Pursing your lips and furrowing your eyebrows, clearly mad. A cold chill sent over your exposed skin once more. The battle for dominance was presented through the glares you were giving one another.

You moved to stand up. Not making it far before Kylo pushed your one leg down to hit the floor, leaving your one still propped on the couch. His bare hand sliding against the skin of your abdomen to grab the right side of your waist. His other hand making its way between your legs. He gripped around the top of your left thigh, his thumb pressing lightly on your clit.

"I want you to beg for me." He calmly ordered, looking deep into your eyes.

You tried your best to hide the true extent of how bad you really wanted it. You were done letting Kylo win these little fights you already had with him.

"I want you to stop being so fucking confusing." you hissed at him, squirming under his touch.

Kylo reacted quickly, pressing harder between your legs and gripping your waist more firmly.

"Stop fighting this," He whispered, watching his finger slide between your legs, moving the lingerie to the side. Lining his fingers up, looking back up at you. "You know I can take whatever I want." his two fingers pushing into you without warning.

Kylo watched you while he did this, seeing how your mouth lightly hung open at his action. Your back almost arching. A moan testing to form in your throat.

His fingers pushing knuckles deep inside you, slightly curling them when he repositioned himself; brining one of his legs up on the couch.

"I said I want to hear you beg for it whore."

You harshly bit your lip watching him, hearing him, feeling him. You wanted him deeper. You wanted all of him. Needed it, craved it.

"Please." you quietly pleaded.

His fingers slowly pulled out, almost to the point you felt every curve of his finger.

"That was pathetic." he scoffed at you. "Beg for it like the slut you are. Beg for it if you want it." squeezing your waist harsher, slightly pulling you towards him.

"Please Kylo! Please I need it!" you moaned out.

In reward, he pushed his fingers deep back inside your core. Heat filling you.

"That's a good girl." he deviously smiled.

He brought himself closer up to your face. Letting go of your waist, placing his hand around your throat. His fingers still harshly pushing in and out of you. Kylo was towering above you, seeing his hair softly move with the rhythm of his hand   
His fingers wrapping around your neck, _feeling_ you moan for him.

It was as if whenever you didn't have a choker on, his hand was in its place. You stared deep into his eyes, lust and desire; it was burning and hostile.

"Tell me how bad you want it." his hand around your neck moving to make you look up at him.

You bit your lip harder as the thrusts of his fingers picked up. Shutting your eyes tight against the pleasure. Soon feeling a third finger being added, going deep inside you. You moaned out against his actions. Now letting small ones fall out between your lips every time he would push back inside you.

"Answer me!" he yelled.

"I need you to fuck me so bad Supreme Leader, please!" you shuttered against his raised voice.

You let out a disappointed whine feeling his fingers pull out from between your legs. Opening your now teary eyes to look up at him. He pushed his fingers in his mouth, licking them clean.

Kylo harshly grabbed your arm pulling you up. Standing in front of him, his tall figure intimidating you. Your legs tremble. He turned you around quickly, yanking his cape off of you. He then placed a hand on the back of your neck and one at the small of your back. Pushing you against the cold glass of the window.

"You wanna show everyone who you belong to?!" He growled in your ear, your shaky breaths fogging the glass. "You want me to fuck you right here in front of everyone?"

His hand on your back trailing down the waistline of your panties. Sliding his fingers in between the fabric and your skin. Trailing his finger over your clit, moving in circles as you squirmed under his touch.

"Yes please, I want it." you moaned pushing your ass against him.

"Tell me what you want, angel."

You bit the inside of your lip feeling him move faster in between your legs, making you dripping wet for him.

"I want to show everyone who I belong to!" you answered loudly.

Without hesitation he pulled his hand from in between your legs and yanked your panties down from you, leaving them stay at the center of your thighs.

"Are you gonna take this cock like a good girl?" He harshly asked, coming close to your ear, his grip on the back of your neck tightening.

You nodded frantically, swallowing and answering with an immediate yes.

Kylo undid his pants and pulled them down. Taking his length in his hand. He pushed your waist out towards him, bending your back and pressing your chest against the cold window. Arching in the perfect position for him.

There was a fire burning inside you. You've never needed anyone this bad. He barely even had to try to get you worked up for him. You were already wrapped around his finger.   
You pressed yourself against him, trying to feel him inside you again.

"Such a naughty thing aren't you?" Kylo groaned.

You felt him take the tip of his cock and push it between your legs; sliding up and down teasing your entrance.

You could only let out a frustrated whine. You sounded so submissive. He saw how bad you wanted him.

Your eyes squeezed shut, your mouth falling open letting out a loud moan; fogging the glass of the window. Taking his time to tease you before Kylo shoved the entirety on his length inside you. It was painful at first, it's been so long since you've had him.

As he began to move back and forth, the pain simmered away, leaving you with breathless loans slipping out from between your lips. The grip Kylo had on your neck soon felt passable considering he had been holding you so hard. His other hand was met at your waist, helping guide you towards him.

Kylo bent forward, keeping up with his intermediate pace. His hot tongue gliding over your shoulder, the burning trail being finished with a harsh bite. Placing kisses after his teeth had sunken into your soft skin.

The glass soon was painted with steam and condensation. It felt piercing colliding with your hot skin. Everything felt too much.

"Is this what you wanted slut?" Kylo growled close to your ear. "It's all you've been thinking about hm?"

The names he had been calling you were beginning to create flutters in your belly. Pushing you close to the edge. Your fingers trying to grip on to something, but they only slid against the wet glass.

His thrusts were getting rougher. Faster. His grip on your waist was becoming painful. His fingers digging into your skin and pulling you towards him with every thrust.

You let your head fall back, moaning each time he pushed deep inside you. Your hair touching his hand wrapped around the back of your neck, keeping your chest close to the glass.

"Please- Please Kylo." You begged out, wanting him to finish you off.

You felt the grip on your waist let off, trailing his hand under you, between your legs and moving his fingers fast on your clit like he just had been. Your chest heaving up and down in desire. Your eyes squeezed shut, teeth biting down hard at your cracked lips.

You felt the wave of euphoria wash over you like a merciless storm. Feeling every jolt in your body, every bit of pressure picking at your nerves. You let your head fall back, loudly yelling out Kylo's name. The pleasure cause your body to crave more. It felt so good, and you wanted more from him. You needed it.

Kylo felt the way your heart raced, he could hear it. He saw the desire for more in your moans. You pressed hard against him, like you were begging for more without saying a word.

"You want more you filthy whore? Is that what you want?" Kylo said, taking his hand away from between your legs and wrapping it around your hair. Pulling down on it, arching your back for him.

You nodded your head against his grasp, your legs already shaking and it was hard for you to catch your breath after chasing your high.

"Tell me angel." He hissed in your ear.

You shuttered against his wrath.

"Yes, please I need it. I want more."

The small sheen of sweat was seen cascading over your body like a thunderstorm afterglow. It gleamed against your skin.

 _"You look perfect like this."_ You heard Kylo say. But he didn't say it _out loud,_ you heard him _when he connected with you._

Your heart raced and pounded with surprise and happiness.

You didn't know what to think or what to do. It's been years since anyone has been able to get through to you. And here, in this moment, Kylo had done it. Your mind was empty and clear. You only _felt him, heard him_. You were only open to _him_.

You were his.

 _"Good girl."_ You heard again.

The overstimulation was becoming too much for you to handle. Your ears felt sensitive hearing Kylo's groans. Your legs were trembling and barely managing to stay standing. Your eyes began to water as your mouth felt dry, breaths and moans flowing in and out too fast. Your waist and neck felt sore from his tight grip. And your heart was almost beating out of your chest.

You heard him. You had heard him loud and clear. Almost like he had really said it.

You wanted to connect with him, you wanted him to hear you. The pressure was once again building in your belly as his thrusts went deeper, Kylo began to press a trail of kisses against your shoulder, to your neck.

He felt the ecstasy begging to be set free once again. Kylo felt every beat of your heart, he heard every whine and moan escape your lips, ever pleading pant of lust. His fingertips tracing along your body, the grooves of his skin mending perfectly with the curves of your frame. He saw how bad you wanted him to hear you. But he still couldn't.

You felt Kylo pull almost all the way out of you, only to thrust harshly back in, your moan cascading to every corner of the room. He continued to do this, hoping to bring you closer to your second edge. He let go of your hair and trailed it back down to your waist.

You tried your best to grip at something again, as if you forgot about the time before. You were still sensitive from the first time. There wasn't a breath you took without a moan trailing out.

Opening your eyes at the sudden feeling of ecstasy plowing through you once more. You looked out the window to see a thousand stars, all glimmering and shining. You panted out Kylo's name in pleas. His thrusts still not slowing. You knew he was close too.

"Kylo-" you breathed out.

He was next to your ear, letting go of your neck so both of his hands were placed on your waist. Pushing you towards him with every needy groan he let out.

You felt the sense of his frenzy of pleasure flow out of him. His warmth filling you to the brim. A thread of slurs pursing between his lips.

 _"So so perfect angel."_ You heard.

He pulled out of you, leaving you feeling empty.

Your mind was racing. Chest moving up and down. Kylo eases his grasp on you, leaving you sore. And as well with no sense of stability. Your knees buckled and your legs gave out, falling to the ground. Kylo caught you before you fell. Putting his hands lightly on your skin to hold you up. Turning you around to face him.

You looked into his eyes. Your vision was blurry. It was an instinct. Pressing your lips against his. A deprived an impoverished kiss. Full of need. He returned the kiss just as essential as you had.

You pulled away from him, tears lining your eyes.

"I heard you, Kylo I heard you." You smiled.

He nodded his head slightly.

"I'm aware. Come lay with me."

You let out a trembled breath and felt your heart flutter with his sudden show of aftercare. You pulled your clothes back up your legs as well as Kylo. Grabbing a hold of his tense arm so you didn't fall. He began to walk back to the bed but not making it far before you winced in pain from your sore body.

Kylo looked back at you, picking you up in his arms. Your dewy skin melting with his. Your mind felt dense once again.

He laid you on the cold bed covers. Looking up at him you no could tell he was trying to connect with you. But all you heard was far away screams.

_"You're nothing."_

You faintly moved back from him at the scream of words you heard. Your eyes becoming brimmed with tears. You felt like you failed him. It was starting up again. You had lost him.

"Try." Kylo said with barely any emotion.

You felt your heart begin to race with the feeling of embarrassment. It was almost like you had forgotten how to connect with him. The pressure in your head becoming worse the harder you tried.

Kylo continued to look down at you, doing the same as you. But his efforts only made it worse for you. You heard the voices in your head screaming at you. Echoing in your skull and only becoming louder the longer it went on. Pain was now infiltrating your mind.

It was just like in the forest the day he had found you.

Trying to push away the pain as you kept making the attempt to make him hear you. You began to feel sick. Nauseous. Tears filling your eyes as your nose grew red. Whimpers falling out your lips.

"Keep trying." Kylo's deep voice said.

 _"get out! leave! you're nothing!"_ you heard close.

You looked around frantic. Hearing nothing but the loud screams and a faint sound of rainfall.

"Kylo I can't!" You yelled at him. " Please stop! It hurts!" Your eyes molding shut, his attempts to connect with you only making the pain worsen.

You screamed as the tears fell from your eyes and the spit fell out of your mouth. Your fingers digging into your hair and weaving itself around the thin strands; A few of them getting caught in your broken nails. Your face turned red and you felt like you were going to explode.

"I can't do it Kylo!" You cried out against your own pain.

Warm hands engulfing your fragile body. The pressure had stopped. All you felt was his embrace. You borrowed yourself into him. Feeling safe and protected.

"I can't do it," you whimpered. "I'm sorry."

You heard Kylo's heart beating. Felt it against your skin. His long fingers pushing through your hair, pulling you closer to him.

"It's okay angel. You'll be okay." He whispered quiet enough you barely heard it.

It wasn't common for him to show aftercare, let alone affection. But no one could describe how he felt seeing pain rip your body in two. He was supposed to be caring for you.

You were to be his Empress, the mother of his children, the queen by his side. It was from that point on, he knew he had to protect you from everything that was painful. You were his.

You were a fragile flower. The only sprout of color on this cold and dark planet. And it was his.

"Get some rest, go to bed. You need not be tired the whole day." Kylo softly said, taking you out of his arms and beginning to undo the covers on your side.

You gripped tight onto his body, not wanting to let go.

"If I fall asleep you'll leave again." You whimpered as he overpowered you, placing you under the covers.

Kylo looked into your eyes. He saw endless drops of rain falling. He felt the tear in your mind, ripping against every cell of your sanity. It was being stripped right in front of him. He saw the fear. The fear of being left behind.

"I won't ever leave you. Not anymore angel." He said, pushing the covers over your exposed body.

Your eyelids shuttered like butterfly wings landing on a flower. Long eyelashes gathering the sparse droplets of tears left behind. Dewy skin and a blushed nose. Your breath was shaky getting ready to say something.

"Do you promise." You asked looking into his eyes.

 _A promise._ Kylo couldn't recall the last time anyone had asked him to keep a promise. He felt something bloom deep inside him.

"I promise," He leaned down and kissed you once more. "Get some rest, I have some exciting plans when you wake up later on."

You felt wanted. You had found that sense of want you had always been looking for. You had finally felt wanted by the one man no one had ever believed could show sentiment.

Peace was once again washing over you, just like when you had been watching the snow fall. The warmth of his hand on your cheek, lulling you to sleep.

**——————**  
**I tried to make sex sound pretty**  
  
  
****


	9. - chatoyer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘆𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗲," 𝗛𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝗽 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗶𝗽, 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗽 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗶𝘀𝘁. "𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂?" ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- bloodplay  
> \- nsfw
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**nine** \- chatoyer _( to shimmer )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_I Still Love Him - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- " and I remember when I met him,_  
_it was so clear that he was the one for me."_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰⁰₉_

**"She is prepared.** We will need to begin the process sooner than we had anticipated, but she has the correct mindset at this time to understand what we need her to complete." Kylo said, his normal voice muffled from the metal mask.

Kylo was currently having a conference with General Hux and many other high ranking officers. They would be essential to the process he had been wanting you to go through. Training. Missions. Marriage. You had to be groomed to be perfectly obedient at his side.

Something he wasn't worried about.

Although, the many other Knights and Generals did not fully feel comfortable with having you work by their side.

"Supreme Leader," one General spoke out, trying their best to sound debilitated. "Are you confident she won't have any issues? She's been known to be highly erratic and unstable."

They could almost sense Kylo's irritation through the mask.

"Do you doubt my certainty General?" The General felt Kylo's harsh glare through the visor. "I said she is prepared. You doubting her stability and her potential is concerning considering she will be your Empress. I expect all of you to treat her like one. The marriage date must be set sooner than expected. We're close to finding the map to Skywalker. I want her to be prepared for that event when the time comes." Kylo ordered

Hux dares to raise his hand slightly, signifying he is going to say something.

"I believe what General Thiers is trying to say is that she is not doubting your confidence sir, however we are concerned if she is the right one. She has not even been let out of your quarters yet!" He was beginning to irritate Kylo. "We question why you are pushing the idea of marriage so much. She is not fit to become an Empress-"

Kylo had an outstretched arm, with rooting fingers. Hux was raised out of his seat, clutching his neck. Everyone else had looked upon the sight as if it was normal.

"She will be your Empress and you will treat her with respect! I expect all of you to!" Kylo sternly ordered, letting Hux fall to the ground gasping for air. "We will be getting married in two days time." He finished walking out of the room, rage fueling his aggravated steps.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Your eyes slowly flutter open like hummingbird wings. Your vision blurry until you finally focused on the dark figure standing across the room.

"Kylo, what is it?" You asked mumbling, turning back over and burying your face in the black pillow.

You heard the thud of his boots as he walked towards your side of the bed.

"Get up," His figure shadowing overtop of you, causing you to open your eyes, looking up at him. "There are some things we need to discuss right now."

You had to take a second to process what he was saying considering you had just woken up.

"Why can't we just talk right here?" You asked with soft eyes.

Kylo grabbed ahold of the covers and pulled them off of you. Shivers blanketing over your exposed skin.

"Get dressed." He ordered moving to the side to let you move past him.

You sighed sitting up from the comfortable bed. Your legs aching when you stood to your feet. You could feel Kylo's anger, it was practically radiating in a red glow around him.

"What's wrong?" You hadn't thought twice about asking him.

Kylo looked at you with a slightly annoyed face, anger still burning inside him from the conference he had just finished.

"Don't ask me those kinds of questions. I'll tell you when you need to know something. My personal concern is none of your business." He sternly said.

Your head lightly flinched back as your eyebrows furrowed at his rude response. Did you really expect anything else? All you did was nod your head before turning to walk towards the closet.

Kylo watched as you stepped through the doorway, deep red clusters and bite marks placed along your shoulder. How you would occasionally take a weird step from your sore legs. A soft bruise forming around your neck.

You felt his eyes on you the entire time you picked out your clothing. Pulling the lacey bra off of your skin, the strap gliding over the sensitive surface of your shoulder; letting it fall to the ground, taking the dress you had picked out and covering yourself in it's deep black fabric. Selecting a pair of shoes adding a choker to go along with it.

Stepping out of the closet and presenting yourself in front of Kylo. His lips barely moved, signifying he was biting the inside of his lip. His dark eyes scan your body. He let out a deep huff.

"Come with me."

Kylo began to walk out of the living quarters, you were shadowing behind him. The sound of each of your shoes echoing throughout the halls could be heard to all the deepest corners of the Palace. Each step emanating raw power and untamed emotions from the two of you.

Staying silent the entire walk until you were stopped in front of a pair of large black doors. Kylo opened them.

It was a large room, the ceilings towering higher than any other room in the Palace. Books lining an entire wall. Easels and paints. Dress bodies and fabric. There were two large desks as well.

"This is the study. You're open to this room anytime you would like." Kylo broke the silence.

You were amazed by the size of the room, the immense amount of hobbies to pertain in. It was full of the things you loved. Books to read, easels to paint, and dress bodies to be the model of your creative ideas.

You walked farther into the room, eyeing around at all the things he had prepared for you.

"Kylo, it's gorgeous." You said astonished at the thought he had put into this room for you.

The one section of the study that was lined with fabrics and other designing appliances, not wasting a step in walking over. Black velvet dress bodies and fabrics of every texture and color. You were beyond ecstatic. You looked upon the soft pink and blue colors, feeling the ideas and filling your mind.

"I would like to show you the rest of the base. I feel you are ready," You turned around to face Kylo. "Come with me." He said again, you once more shadowing behind him, leaving the study.

The hallway met with the sound of your shoes. Taking long strides to compare to Kylo's. You had felt powerful next to him. Walking into the elevator, remembering the event you had shared with him not long ago.

"What was it you had wanted to discuss?" You asked, each of you looking forward.

"We have found new information on a mission I am trying to complete-"

"That's good." You interrupted, noticing your mistake once you had spoken. You had to keep in mind, he doesn't have the same mentality that he used to years ago.

"Do not interrupt me." Kylo stammered looking down at you. "As I was saying, I would like you to accompany me on this trip, but before you can come with me, we need to be married. You need to be the Empress before you can evoke any order on my staff."

Your heart was flush with excitement.

"When will we be getting married?" You asked waiting until you knew he was done speaking.

"Two days. We are scheduled to begin our mission in twenty days. I'm hoping you can become properly trained in that time space between." He answered, placing the mask over his head.

Your eyebrows raised in a sudden shock at the mention of two days. You had been waiting your whole life to marry him, and he spoke of it as if he only wanted to wed you because of the title and power that came with it.

The elevator doors opened, presenting yet another hallway. You walked with Kylo, standing tall by his side. Your exposed shoulders were there for everyone to see. Bite marks and hickeys were visible to anyone that dared to look your way.

"What will I need to be properly trained for?" You asked.

"I'm aware it has been years since you last participated in any use of the Force. I will be training you, as well as traveling to receive your new lightsaber. You cannot be left unarmed no matter how strong you are in the Force," the deep sound of his mask muffling his voice. "I doubt you will fear people with a grey lightsaber." He finished, talking about your old lightsaber.

You nodded your head in remembrance of your gray kyber crystal.

You and Kylo walked into the main hall of the base, it was full of Generals, Stormtroopers, and other workers. Eyes widening and eyebrows furrowing looking upon the sight of you two together.

"I'm taking you to meet one of my Generals, he's been eager to meet you." Kylo said, you felt the sense of sarcasm radiating off of him.

Making your way to the Command Center. Heads turning to look in your direction. You felt their eyes land on the red petal hickey marks and bites along your one shoulder; the soft bruise forming around your neck. They could only imagine the things he's already done to you. They were all amazed to even be in your presence. One person in particular seemed to be more wide-eyed than anyone else. A pale man that had ginger hair and an up-tight stance.

"General Hux," Kylo said, stopping in front of the man. "I know you've been eager to meet my affianced." His gloved hand was met at the small of your back, pulling you closer to him.

The competent General looked towards you, giving you a stiff head bow.

No one had ever shown you such etiquette. You felt powerful looking down at him bowing in your latency. You couldn't help but sense the fear emanating from the General. Kylo's fingers pressing against your back only fueling the fire; showing everyone The Supreme Leader could show affection, only towards you.

"Lady Ren, it is a pleasure to finally meet you." Hux said, trying his best to maintain eye contact. He had not been sure how to act towards you. Knowing that if he was too kind, Kylo would become possessive and provoked.

_'Incompetent Empress.'_

You heard in Hux. Looking over quickly at Kylo, eyes full of confusion.

 _"Why had_ _I_ _been able to easily get into his mind like that?"_ You asked yourself.

Kylo's fingers snaking around your waist, digging tighter into your skin. Knowing it was time to go.

You nodded your head back at him, your eyes remaining low, your face remaining emotionless. Something that made him feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. That feeling was beginning to burn inside you again. The deep dark red, the feeling of being feared.

It was roaring in your chest and rooting into your bones. And Kylo felt it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

He had shown you around the rest of the base, places you were allowed and not allowed to enter. Leaving what he felt was the most exciting for last. The docking bay where his Command Shuttle and TIE Silencer were kept.

"In the time waiting to retrieve you, I've decided it was essential you have your own Command Shuttle." Kylo explained walking into the docking bay.

You saw nearly two identical ships, the only difference was one had gold lines running through its clefts like the veins in a leaf. Engineers and workers scattered all throughout the room. It looked gorgeous to you. Never considering yourself to be an amazing pilot, but you were experienced at it.

Thinking of all the things he had been preparing for you, it sold you on the idea that he was serious about this. Not wasting time and materials on someone he would just use and abandon again.

Kylo began to walk towards the ships, workers moving out of your way as you walked in silence. You still had yet to grasp the concept that you had your own ship. That you could go anywhere in.

"You cannot go anywhere yet," Kylo interrupted your thoughts. "Not until you're Empress."

He spoke while you entered your ship.

"So in a few days can I go somewhere?" You asked genuinely curious.

"Why? Eager to leave already?" Kylo replied with that same sense of sarcasm in his tone.

You slightly smiled and shook your head, grazing your fingers along the control panel. Your back was turned to him.

"No, no of course not, I just-" You questioned if you should even tell him. "I just have somewhere to go that's all." You decided to tell half the truth.

His gloved fingers meeting the fabric of your dress once again, turning you to face him.

"Where could you have to go?"

Your face flooded with heat and guilt. Something else sparked along with those feelings, looking up at him, being so close to you and so in control. Right in front of the window on your ship. Workers were still occasionally walking by, trying their best to not look up at the Supreme Leader and his soon to be Empress.

You hadn't wanted to tell him the whole story, pushing your truth deep in your mind, hoping he wouldn't dig and find the answer for himself.

"Nowhere important Kylo, just- just forget I said anything about it." You confessed, looking down and trying to walk past him.

He grabbed your arm, shoving your back against the control console. Your tailbone hitting it.

"Don't think you can hide things from me," Kylo's hands reached up to his mask, pulling it off as his tousled hair fell freely around him. "Where do you have to go?" He placed his mask behind you, a hard metal sound was made.

His hands gripping the control panel on either side of you. Your chest taking in a sharp breath. His hair falling over you as he looked down at you, biting the inside of his lip.

You could feel him break the wall in your mind. You knew he couldn't know the real reason. Looking up at him, and back down, trying once more to walk away from him.

He harshly gripped your waist, fabric and skin bunching in his hand. The slight pain causes you to stumble back into your original place. The concentration broke, you let that wall down.

"What's on Etheiphus you want to get to so bad?" He finally asked, looking into your eyes.

You were beginning to get aggravated, building that wall back up and pushing the rest of the answer far back to the point no one could reach it. You bit the inside of your lip and stared up at him, an annoyed look in your eye.

"It's none of your business. Don't worry about it." You glared up at him, crossing your arms leaning back against the console.

"Say it. What's on Etheiphus."

His hand grabbing your waist again, trying to bring you to the breaking point so he was able to get deep in your mind.

You pushed his hand off of you harshly. "No."

The hostility in each of your eyes is burning red. You weren't scared of him, he wouldn't hurt you. And this was one thing you know he couldn't find out. He couldn't find out what was on Etheiphus.

His lips pursed in anger. You let out one more frustrated huff of air and pushed past him, wanting to walk out of the ship.

"Don't you dare think you can speak to me that way," Kylo snapped, grabbing your arm and pushing you against the command shuttle's metal walls. The side of your face flush with the cold surface as he held each of your wrists in his one hand. "You're going to tell me what's on Etheiphus."

You struggled and got out of his grip. Turning around to face him.

"I said no-" Your freedom hadn't lasted long as he grabbed you by the neck and slammed you against the wall again.

"Do you want me to take it from you?" He gritted at you through an angry tone.

A pulsating headache caused you to wince out against his grasp. You knew he was digging for the answer. His anger was still deep down inside him from the conference earlier, never fully being able to let it out until now.

You brought your hand up and collided it against the side of his face. No longer feeling him delving through your head.

"I told you to not worry about it!" You said watching as he brought his face back up to look at you.

The grip he had around your throat tightened, his blood boiling in rage as his face stung where you had hit him.

He hadn't thought twice about striking you across the face. A small sudden yelp of pain fell from between your lips. Your hair getting caught in your line of vision. Strands of it weaving through your eyelashes as you turned your head back to look at him.

His hand digging the jewel choker deeper into the skin of your neck. Your breathing becomes heavier in the heat of desire. This new control being held over you was intoxicating.

He let go of your neck, trailing his hand up to the base of your jaw, lightly holding you as you looked up at him through covered vision. You saw him lean in close next to you.

"I'll get what I want."

Your chest flustered with butterflies. Loving how he took control of you.

Kylo leaned back and pondered over your vulnerability. His hand trailing up to your cracked and dry lips. They were red and blistered from the countless times you had bit them. Your eyes falling on him as he gazed at you.

You quickly closed them at a sudden jolt of pain as Kylo pressed his thumb onto your bottom lip, pulling to the side, splitting your cracked lips. His leather covered finger trailing over the blood already beginning to show.

It hurt, but you couldn't help but fall blind to the pain of it all. Your chest heaving in small gasps. He pushed the hair out of your face, rubbing his thumb over the red mark forming on your cheek. He knew his forceful slap hurt you more than yours had hurt him.

Kylo saw the pleading look in your eyes. Glazed over with lust and vulnerability. You were sightless to all the evil things he had done, your vision glossed with him being the personification of everything you've ever dreamed of. You saw the entire galaxy in his eyes. You saw all you could've ever hoped for in his eyes.

He was a dark knight and still managed to be the light of your life.

Kylo places his hand around your waist as his other one remains on your cheek, smoothly grazing over the red skin. You looked up to him, feeling the devotion and amorousness nearly pouring out of him.

He lifted you slightly, making it easier for you to meet his tall stance. Pressing your lips together as your raw skin stung upon touching his.

Kylo grazed his tongue over your bleeding bottom lip, being sure to pay close attention to the wound he created. The faint taste of metallic liquid lingering on his tongue when he kissed you again.

Going in deeper every time, pulling at his hair as he pressed the last kiss on your lips before trailing down to your neck. Each of you gasping for air.

It wasn't heated, but it was a sense of alleviation and adoration blanketing over the two of you. Nothing sexual about it, rather as if he was showing you he wanted you to belong to him. Possessiveness and glorification over your skin.

His hot lips placed sloppy kisses to your neck, pressing the hardest where he saw bruises forming from his tight grips he loved to trap you in. The pressure sends swarnes of butterflies to your chest.

Each of his hands placed themselves on your waist as you traveled and weaved your way through his thick hair.

The skin he had placed hickeys on were smooth and tender while the faint taste of blood lingered on his tongue. Red clusters of kiss marks placed all around your neck. He gave your bleeding lips one final kiss before pulling away.

You looked up at him. His soft skin, red lips, full hair that was faintly disheveled from your roaming fingers. He looked perfect. Seeing a glow in his eyes as he looked at you.

"Kylo," you softly said.

His anger had seemed to fade away quicker than it ever has before, just by kissing you. Calming him with your subtle touch. You were his angel.

"Yes." He replied back tilting his head to appraise what he had left on your neck.

"Do you know what chatoyer means?" You asked. Looking away from his eyes to trail your finger over his shoulder and down his arm. Seeing the fabric bunching along your touch.

"No."

Your gaze stood stuck on the same view of his shoulder. As if you were in a trance, zoning out into the deepest corners of the galaxy. Your hands trailed up to touch the warm hickeys he left on your skin, soon touching the cold material of the crystal choker.

"It means to shimmer." You replied looking into his eyes, your hand staying on the necklace, tracing your fingers over the multiple jewels.

His eyes filled with the glimmering glow of a thousand stars in the night sky. They were shimmering when they looked at you.

They fell low, his head slightly falling. A small smile seen barely noticeable on his face as he looked down, taking his hands off of your waist.

He nodded his head lightly, walking over to his mask. Leaving you standing by the boarding dock waiting for his return.

"To shimmer." He softly said to himself.

He walked back over to you with his mask on and his hood up.

"I can take you back up to the quarters if you'd like." The voice modifier changed the depth of his voice, but not the caring tone that had come with it.

You nodded your head as you saw him hold out his arm for you. Grabbing it and folding your arm around his loosely, walking back up to the living quarters.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You were in the study, pinning mesh fabric together, bunching pieces of purple silk into roses. Your hair tied loosely by a strand of unused scraps. The soft colors looking foreign in such a dark Palace.

Kylo had returned back to the command center preparing things and ordering staff around, you however had made your way to the large study. Almost complete with your first dress. It was medium length, unbound, and a soft lilac color.

"I know they’ll love the colors," You spoke to yourself in a quiet tone. "Hopefully I can bring something in return for the last gift. Too bad it's on Takodana. I'll get it back eventually... besides..." pinning in place a magenta flower you had made out of fabric at the bottom of the dress. "I don't think they’ll mind. Maybe they’d be happy enough to see me. It's been some time." Your train of thought broke as you heard the doors opening, feeling Kylo's presence.

"Who were you talking to?" He asked looking around you.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"No one? I wasn't talking." You replied.

"Yes you were," He began to walk towards you. Feeling a breach in your mind. You were filled with confusion, had you been talking out loud? "Who's Kallistê?"

You felt your heart sink. Knowing you had to keep a confident figure, you kept your tone honest and tried your best to block him out of your headspace. Thank god he couldn't see your face and was still standing behind you.

"She's just a friend Kylo. It's nothing to worry about. I was just talking to myself," You lied. "Is dinner prepared yet?" You asked, trying desperately to change the subject.

Kylo shifted his stance, letting out a bothered sigh.

_'Had he bought it?'_

"Yes, dinner is done." He let out.

You turned around, a small smile on your face as you placed down the sewing needle.

"Charmante." You replied walking towards him, trailing your hand along his arm as you passed him.

You felt the confusion emanating off of him.

"It means lovely." You answered loudly since he still had yet to move.

Sitting at the dinner table with him opposite of you was quiet and lacked conversation. Something that wasn't surprising. But from his quick glares at you, you could feel Kylo's anger building inside him the longer you refused to tell him who that girl was.

He knew you were lying to him, but he knew how to get into your head, he just had to wait for the right moment. His intrusive personality eating away at him the longer he was prying at your mind and failing time and time again.

You felt him every time he tried. The wall you had built up around the true answer was locked deep inside you, there was no way he could reach it unless you told him.

Feeling a harsh, pulsating headache for the fifth time that dinner. You slammed your silverware down.

"Kylo," You yelled out at him, keeping his same emotionless expression. "I told you she's just a friend. It's nothing you need to worry about! Now can you please stop? It's aggravating." You shouted. Frustration begins to bubble inside you.

The deep dark red was beginning to flow through your veins, this was one subject that brought you hostile. You would protect the answer with all of your being before letting it go so easily.

Trying your hardest to subdue the manic episode that wanted to burst out of you.

Kylo had no business prowling through your mind when you had let it been known you didn't want him knowing.

"Is she what's on Etheiphus?" He calmly asked, picking up his wine glass, taking a drink like you hadn't just shouted at him.

Your blood was boiling.

"Don't ask me those kinds of questions. I'll tell you when you need to know something. My personal concern is none of your business." You rudely said, copying what he had said to you earlier that day.

Kylo bit the inside of his lip in frustration, leaning back in his chair.

You pushed out from your large dining chair.

"I'll be in the study." You snapped at him before standing up and angrily walking towards the doors.

"No you're not," Kylo had trapped in an invisible grasp mere seconds before you gripped the door handle. "Come here."

You tried to pull away from the strong tendrils of his mind. But to no avail. You were soon met back with him by his chair in the dining hall.

He stood from his seating, not taking his eyes off of you as you glared at him, still stuck.

You writhed in his grip, wanting to not talk to him at the moment. It was clear this subject was something that easily aggravated you.

"Why do you get so angry, angel?" Kylo asked, walking in front of you.

You scoffed at his question.

"I'm the one that gets angry? You're known for throwing temper tantrums!" You yelled at him.

He pushed you back until your tailbone hit the large table. His tall figure towering over you. Not an ounce of fear had yet to penetrate you.

"Don't yell at me," His hand trailing up the side of your hip, resting in the dip of your waist. "Do you really want me to get mad at you?"

You loved the way his hands traveled over your body, but you knew what he really wanted. He wanted the answer, and you weren't giving it to him.

You were done speaking to him.

"What's wrong angel?" Kylo gripped your face, forcing you to look up at him. "You don't like it when I ask those kinds of questions do you?" A smirk forming on his face as you were vulnerable under his touch.

You kept a blank look on your face, letting out aggravated sighs. Continuing to keep your mouth shut.

He soon came to realize you were falling silent to him. He wouldn't have a problem taking it this time he thought, not now that you were under his grasp.

Kylo looked deep into your eyes as he began to delve through your mind once more. You shut your eyes as the tidal wave of pain washed over you.

"Is this really what you want to happen? You want me to take it?"

Your chest heaved in rage. Not taking a second to think. You spat in his face, the invisible grip on you being let go.

Kylo became enraged. He took a small step back from the sudden feeling. You took back your steps, leaning forward and striking him across the face like you had earlier.

"Don't you _ever_ think you can take things from me!" You yelled at him.

Kylo stood there silent, wiping your spit from his face, grazing his leather hand over the spot you had hit him. You hadn't thought to walk away, you seemed stuck in a trance. You _wanted_ to see what he would do next.

Each of you standing across from one another, still and silent.

Almost in an instant, Kylo stormed towards you, pushing your shoulders until you fell back to the table. Your hands keep you from falling back on top of it. The rage in his eyes was burning red and dark.

His forceful hands tightly grabbed your waist, setting you on top of the table as he pushed down on your chest. Your back flush with the surface.

You became filled with lust. His dominance sends shivers over your skin. Squirming for more of his touch.

Kylo trailed his hand to the top of the slit in your dress, grabbing it and ripping the black fabric apart. Revealing your lower half.

"I know you love this." He growled pulling down your undergarments.

Your hands trailing to your hair as you writhed needing to feel him.

Kylo knew what you wanted, he trailed his hand up between your legs, watching as you softly arched your back at his touch.

So vulnerable for him.

He wanted to see how far he could push you. He bent to his knees, wrapping your legs over his shoulders. He pulled you to the edge of the table.

The way he blew onto your heat, sending cold shivers from your spine to your tailbone.

You bit your lip at the feeling. Kylo is not taking his eyes off of you, wanting to see each of your movements and whines and pleas.

His hands grabbing under your thighs and back around to keep you in a comfortable position.

Licking and sucking on your inner thigh. Biting down harshly on your skin causing you to let out a small yelp. The pain mixed with pleasure.

You were fighting back every urge to push your legs together. Just to get him closer to you.

You felt his lips form into a sly smirk, you were eager, and he wasn't letting you get it that easy. He sucked on the closest part he could get to your dripping arousal. Your nails dug deep into your hair as your breathing became labored.

His wet tongue colliding with what he aroused between your legs. Pushing from the left to the right and keeping a consistent pace. Flattening his tongue out pushing down hard and fast. Then wrapping his lips around it all, leaving spit trailing down.

Dropping your jaw and letting out inconsistent breathes. Closing your eyes and softly arching your back.

He would move his tongue up and down making sure to get every part covered in his own wetness.

Kylo took his right hand off your thigh and brought his face up to two of his fingers. Opening his mouth and sucking on them before letting them take the trail his tongue did. Pushing into you slowly.

Causing you to let a gasp come out of your already opened mouth.

He continued pushing in and out, getting faster with every time he would come out again. After a few good pushes, he began to curl his gloved fingers, letting them touch every part of you.

Now moving his left hand to hold on to your waist.

Taking his thumb and rubbing it on your clit.

"Is this what you wanted?" Kylo groaned before moving his head down between your legs again to lick like he did.

You felt the butterflies flutter in your lower abdomen. So close to reaching the harsh wave of uncontrollable ecstasy. Letting heavy moans and breathes fall out of your lips. The arch in your back going higher as he just continued to go hard on you.

He saw you've had enough and pulled his fingers out and his head up. Licking each one clean.

You let out a disappointed whine. Moving your hands from your hair and going to prop yourself up.

"Lay down." Kylo ordered.

You were beyond submissive at this point. You laid back down on the table, squirming around trying to bring back that feeling you were so close to.

His hands pressed down on your hips, stopping your movement.

"Kylo please-" you pleaded.

He threw a fist down on this table in anger.

"This is what you deserve. No talking. I don't even want to hear a sound from you!" He yelled, that feeling was coming back.

Your eyes shuddered at his loud words, chest heaving in anticipation.

Kylo took off his left hand glove, and ripped your panties from your ankles. Balling them together in his fist and shoving them in your mouth.

You tried your hardest not to whine out for more of him. Not wanting to upset him any longer.

Kylo's hands pushed your legs around his waist, sinking his cock into you without any warning.

You bit deep into the fabric in your mouth, your eyes squeezing shut as he harshly pushed into you. Your one hand finding its way to your throat, soon becoming dependent on that feeling. Squeezing your fingers around your neck like Kylo would do.

The feeling of pleasure soon rising in your abdomen again.   
Biting down and squeezing harder.

Kylo watched you fall close to your edge. He began to thrust into you harder, his free hand gripping the top of your thigh while the other one pressed hard on your clit.

You gasped at the sudden pressure. So close for him.

He thrusted deeper and harder, pushing his gloved thumb on your clit until he saw your back arch to the heavens. Biting harshly at the clothing in your mouth, squeezing tightly at your throat. Giving everything you had into not moaning out his name in pleas.

_'Such a good girl for me.'_

Kylo pushed your hand away from your throat. Ripping out the clothing from your mouth as you swallowed. He grabbed you by the choker and raised you to meet him.

He continued to thrust into you, not giving you a second to reconstruct yourself before he was continuing at his fast pace.

Your face was met with his as he kept you upright just by your choker. The jewels in the back digging deep in your skin.

Kylo's lips collided with yours in a ferocious way. He bit down, hard, on your lip. You winced in pain as his teeth sunk into your fragile skin.

His cock still pushing deep inside you as he tore at your bottom lip. Tears forming in your eyes as the overstimulation was almost unbearable.

He released, resuming to his original way of kissing you. Your blood was seeping from your mouth. Mixing with each of your saliva as you kissed one another.

Tongues pressing together, roaming each other's mouths in hostility. Deep red metallic liquid lingering in each of your mouths.

You felt his eager kisses become sloppy. You knew he was close. You moved your hand to his thick hair, weaving your fingers through its softness. Tugging lightly every time his tongue passed over the raw skin of your lip.

Kylo pressed your lips together, biting down on your lip one last time. Blood trailing down the side of your mouth, seeping down your neck. His lips were red with you. He loved the taste of it all. The lingering taste of you.

You moaned against him feeling his hot cum fill you.

Fingers digging deep into his hair as he bit down on you.   
Breaking the kiss, foreheads resting on each other, panting for air at the final release. Each of your chests heaving, your grips finally loosening.

Kylo let go of your choker, his other hand placed at the small of your back.

He pulled out from you, leaving you softly whine at the feeling of emptiness. Getting himself decent once again. He looked at you, your lip bleeding from two different cuts, watching as the red liquid seeped out and trailed down the side of your mouth.

Kylo took his gloved thumb, rubbing it over the raw sensitive skin; collecting your blood and each of your saliva, shoving it in your mouth.

"Swallow it." He ordered.

You looked into his eyes as you swallowed against his finger in your mouth.

Metal, dry leather, the sweet lingering taste of Kylo's wine he had always liked to pair with his dinner. All mixing together in your mouth.

_'Perfect angel.'_

He took his finger from your mouth, grabbing his napkin and running it along your chin, neck, and collarbone to clean you up.

"I'm sorry I was mean to you." You softly spoke out as he continued to wipe the blood from your chest.

Kylo remained silent until he was content with his work. Holding out his hand for you to take.

You blushed in embarrassment as he hadn't even acknowledged your apology. The harsh emotion soon took over with confusion as he turned you around.

The sound of the metal zipper of your dress. Feeling the cold metal trail down your spine, opening as he pulled it.

Meeting the slider and the bottom stop. Pulling the dress off of you.

Bare in front of him as your ripped dress pooled at your feet. Only having your choker and heels on.

Kylo turned you back around and picked you up in his strong arms. Remaining silent, walking back to your living quarters.

The door slid open, he laid you on the bed, walking into the refresher.

He spent the rest of the night coddling you. He gave you a hot bath, kissing you occasionally to hopefully subdue the limitless bleeding wound on your lip. Redressing you in one of his undershirts, placing you in bed facing the large window.

You turned to face the refresher, watching as he got dressed into his nightwear.

"If I want to tell you something, I promise I'll tell you...I'm just not ready yet." You softly spoke out.

You were speaking about who was on Etheiphus and why you wanted to go there so badly.

Kylo turned to look at you when he heard your fragile voice. Combing through his long hair, before turning out of the refresher. You went to bite your lip in worry, but flinched once you realized the large gash was still there.

You didn't know what Kylo was going to say or why he had been so quiet to yet answer you.

He unfolded the covers on his side, getting under them to face you.

"I just don't want you to get lost." He replied.

You came closer to him in bed, resting your face in the palm of your hand as you looked at him.

"Kylo I won't get lost, I know how to come back. I jus-"

"No, not lost like that. I want to make sure you're safe, I don't want you getting lost in yourself, and not coming back." He interrupted.

You blinked away the few tears threatening to form. He wanted you with him.

"I'm not going to get lost, like I said..I know how to come back. I'll always come back to you."

You placed your other hand over his cheek that you had hit him on multiple times that day. Running your fingers through his untangled hair. A small smile on your face.

Kylo did the same to you. He moved his hand down to your waist, pulling you towards him. You turned so your back was against his bare chest.

"Goodnight Kylo."

"Goodnight."

**｡☆** ✼ **★━━━━━━━━━━━━★** ✼ **☆｡**  
**_\- sorry this chapter is so long !!_**  
**_[ thursday the 23rd - 1:47 am ]_**


	10. - grelotter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘀𝗼 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗹." 𝗞𝘆𝗹𝗼 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗮𝗶𝗿. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- nsfw
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**ten** \- grelotter _( to shiver )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Fuck it I Love You - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "Dream a little dream of me_  
_Make me into something sweet"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰₁⁰_

**_You were laying in Kylo's arms._ ** _Each of you stripped from your clothing. Letting out labored breaths. Feeling his chest rise and fall against your bare back as he leaned against the headboard of the large bed._

_"Lay down." Kylo told you after a few seconds of finally relaxing._

_"Why?" You asked, still wore out._

_"We have to do it again until you can connect with me. You're getting closer I can tell."_

_Kylo's strong chest was no longer felt on your back. His fingers were moving against your bare dewy skin, lifting you out of his grasp. Your back was met with the soft bed covers as he laid you down. Your legs were sore and your body was aching from doing this so many times already that night._

_Kylo noticed how your mind was only clear enough for him to connect with you when the two of you shared intimate moments. He wants you to get to the point you can get something across to him. Time after time, you still had yet to do it. And he was persistent on not quitting until you did._

_"Kylo I don't think I can go again." You whined._

_You felt soft fingers trail up your legs, pulling them apart as he found his way in between them. His soft breath grazed over the shimmering skin of your chest. Looking up and seeing Kylo above you. Watching as you were still panting, clearly not recovered from the time before._

_"That's not my fault. Get it right this time." He replied before lowering himself and kissing you._

~~~

You rolled over in bed. The blankets curving around your body and pulling. Facing the window and seeing the white snow fall. Sunlight shining through, emanating the dark room.

Kylo's hands snaked around your waist, pulling you towards him and into his chest.

Softly smiling to yourself as he wrapped you in his warmth. You nuzzled into his embrace, feeling his chest rise and fall against your back.

"Kylo." You grumbled.

His hair falling over your skin, tickling and pricking goosebumps. "Hm?"

You wrapped your small fingers around his arm as he held you tight.

"I saw you in my dreams again, it felt so real."

"Oh yeah," Kylo mumbled, readjusting his grip on you. "What was it about angel?"

You slightly pushed his arm off of you, turning around to face him. His eyes slowly opening and looking at how awake you already were. He took his hand and brushed it through your hair; his other one laid loosely on your waist.

You laid on your side, both of your hands under the one side of your face.

"We got married in front of this gorgeous lake.. There were mountains in the back. It just, it felt so real, it felt like I've been there before. I don't know how to describe it. Everything just felt perfect, surreal," Kylo watched as you described your dream in admiration. "Then- Then we went away together, just the two of us. Laying in this bed of flowers. I honestly don't remember half the things we talked about, but it was really nice."

Kylo slightly smiled seeing how you talked about your dream in such infatuation. He wished his dreams could've been as simple as yours. Ever since he had you to comfort him in bed, he's been nearly getting four hours of sleep a night.

When he couldn't sleep, he didn't want to wake you by getting up, so he would instead trace his fingers up and down your spine or softly tousle your hair. Leaving you filled with curiosity as to why you woke up with such knotted hair.

"What was your dream about?" You sweetly asked.

He softly shook his head, his dark brown hair falling.

"You don't have to worry about my dream."

You gave him an exaggerated pout at his statement. Leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on his lips.

"You should dream a little dream of me." You smiled.

Kylo nodded halfway, clearly still tired. He turned to lay on his back. Each of laying together a few more seconds, bathing in serenity. You missed his warmth. Moving up towards him, laying your hand against his bare chest as you rested your head on his shoulder.

"It's an exciting day today. Are you ready?" He asked.

Today was the day of your marriage. It came sudden and you were surprised to see how quick the two days had gone by. Beyond ecstatic you were finally marrying the one person you would search the galaxy for.

"I'm ready," You replied as he looked back over at you, pulling you up on him so he could hold you. "I just can't believe it's finally all happening. I've been waiting a very long time for this Kylo. Thank you for letting me be your Empress." You kindly said.

Kylo nodded once again. Grazing his fingers across your skin. You looked so angelic to him. Laying in the darkness with a shimmering light illuminating you. Always having a golden afterglow of artistry about you. As if you escaped the hands of moonlight for him and him only. With you, everyday seemed to be a lullaby. You were his angel. _His._

He looked on at your bruised body. How there were red splotches and bite marks covering your skin. You watched as he examined the marks on your body. Yellow and purple bruises around your neck. Bite marks scattered around your shoulders while red hickeys occupied your chest.

His eyes softened. Taking his fingers over to the covers and slightly pulling them down to show more of your skin. Trailing down and circling around the bite marks. You softly winced as he grazed over the most recent one, your skin was still slightly raw.

"Does it hurt?" He asked not taking his eyes off of the markings.

You were a bit confused as to what he meant.

"Does what hurt?" You asked, biting the inside of your lip.

Kylo pushes his fingers over the bite marks once again.

"These," He looked up to you. "Do they hurt?"

You shrugged slightly, a small smile on your face not wanting to seem rude.

"No, not that bad." You answered.

"Yes or no, do they hurt?" He asked more sternly.

You knew you couldn't lie to him, you were always horrible at it.

"Yes, but not a lot Kylo I promise, I like them." You confessed to him, moving closer to him in bed. Wrapping your leg over his.

He moved his hand off of the bite marks, roaming down your side and resting on your hip.

"Are you being honest?"

You slightly smiled at his constant need of reassurance.

"Yes Kylo, I'm being honest. That's why I said I promise. I think they're pretty. They remind me of all the different types of flower petals. It's cultivated and decorative. There's much more to these markings than just the memory." You replied.

Kylo was getting pulled back into memoir as he listened to the artistic and eccentric side of you. How you could always fall into the deeper meaning of things.

"What else is there to them?"

"There's the imagery of possession that they show people. Knowing that you trusted someone enough to place marks on you and claim you in a sense. That's why they remind me of flower petals. Plants have many ways of telling you their backstory. Because they can only express it through silence and beauty. So you wouldn't know if these were out of love or aggression or possessiveness. Looking closer at the marks, you can find out what they really mean," You discussed. "They're beautiful Kylo."

You leaned up on him, placing your hand on his chest as you straddled his waist. His hands roamed up to your thighs, looking at how you sat on top of him. Seeing more of his possessive blemishes. A trail of them leading from the center of your chest to the hem of your black lace panties you had on.

You were covered in them. He loved how they looked on you. Showing everyone at any chance he could that you were his.

"They look beautiful on you. I want to show everyone who you belong to," Kylo praised, looping his finger in the bridge of your bra, trailing it down the path he made. "Your gown is in the study when you're ready to see it."

You smiled in excitement. Kylo hadn't let you in the study for the past two days, saying he was 'preparing something'. He had taken it upon himself to decide what you were wearing.

You quickly got off of his waist, letting the covers and his hands fall from your body. Walking over to the large desk, grabbing his cape he alwaysed draped over the chair, placing it around you.

"I want to go see it." You smiled.

Kylo got out from the bed as well, walking over to you and pulling the cape aside to reveal even more bite marks. He slid his hand under the fabric and brought you to him in a kiss. Grabbing your waist and setting you on the desk, still having yet to break the soon heated kiss. You moaned into his lips as he pushed you tight to him.

Finally pulling away and sliding off of the desk. You smiled giving him one more kiss.

Walking out of your quarters together, making it to the study.

The doors opened and your jaw nearly dropped to the floor. Standing there stunned looking at your elegant gown. There was a long sheer lace trimmed veil, a glimmering black and red crown, it all seemed unreal. You stepped up to view the dress closer.

"Kylo, this is gorgeous." Lacing your fingers around the soft fabric.

It wasn't like anything you've ever seen before. It had a high neckline, trailing up to your throat and having a built in choker. A cut from the center on the neckline, down your chest. An open gap around your waistline that was lined with lace. A flowing skirt with slits on either side, lace still being seen under the black fabric, a sheer cape placed around the neckline.

You felt Kylo's hand wrap your waist standing next to you.

"Can't we just get married already." You groaned leaning in to him.

"Patience, we won't have long. Everything is still being prepared." He replied.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The hours passed by quickly. Kylo and you had taken a shower together and laid in bed a few moments longer. He soon went about the base while you were up waiting for his return in your quarters.

You had gotten changed into your gown, veil, and crown. Looking beyond stunning.

You were sitting on the couch facing the large window. The snow wasn't viciously falling like it usually was. The sun shined almost as if it was a warm day. It beat down on the planet and helped the snow shine.

The door to your quarters slid open. You looked back to see Kylo. He had on his normal black robes, and one deep red cape. Smiling when you saw him.

"Are you ready?" He asked.

You stood from your seat and walked up to meet him. Your heels clacking against the hard floor.

Kylo looked at you in awe. The trail of hickeys and bite marks from your chest to your abdomen were on full display. As well as the marks on your shoulders. You looked like an angel that was kissed by the lips of evil. Covering you in sin. He loved it.

"I'm ready." You replied.

He held his hand out for you to take. Your gloved fingers meeting his.

Walking out of the quarters and into the elevator, not letting go of each other's hand. Seeing the lights pass as you moved through different floors.

"Thank you." You quietly said to him, looking over.  
He looked back over at you, facing you in your simple beauty.

He grabbed you by the waist, pushing his lips to yours softly. You didn't want him to let go, afraid of him not being on the other side when you opened them. He was your dark paradise, your dream, and you wouldn't know what to do if he left.

His lips left yours after a long kiss. Looking at one another in almost a pleading way.

"I'm never going to leave you." He said to you.

A relieved smile on your face while your eyes never left his. None of this could be real, you thought. It was all too simple to be real.

Your thoughts being broken apart as the elevator doors opened.

Walking the halls of Starkiller, everyone stopped to move aside. They looked on in a state of fear and curiosity. Kylo didn't have his mask on, this being a few people's first time really seeing him. A couple that walked together in power and beauty. Rage and serenity. Hostility and artistry. They were nearly amazed to see all the marks you had placed over your body. Not knowing if they were out of love or aggression or possessiveness.

Power in your strides as the walls emanated the sound of your heels. Each of you looked like you held such dominance. Kylo's hair flowed back with every step he took as well as his cape. Your dress dragged along the shiny surface of the floor, leaving people standing astonished at your composure. No one believed you could be so poised. Only wondering what Kylo had done to you to get you so obedient for him.

Walking in front of another pair of doors that led outside. Sliding open and letting the cold air of the snow ridden planet wash over you. Stepping out together, seeing how the ground was shining against the sunshine. Almost as if white glitter had been placed on the ground.

His hand helped you through the snow and led to a trail that ended at the very start of the dense forest. Branches moving in an arch while deep red flowers were woven within it. An older looking man was seen under it, the one who would be marrying you.

You and Kylo stood across from one another, hands still holding. Getting lost in his eyes as you looked at him. Not even noticing the cold air biting at your exposed skin, looking into his eyes seemed to make all the pain dissipate. Not wanting to look away.

There had been no one else there. A good number of people watching from the windows of the base. Not believing their eyes when they saw the lethal Kylo Ren marrying the most feared woman in the galaxy. Questioning whether or not he had done it out of love or power. How could he get someone to fall in love with him?

Of course there had been a fair share of women intrigued by his looks. Wanting nothing more than to have him alone rather than marry him. You knew there would be a great deal of people who despised you, not accounting for the number of women who would envy you. Envy your power and husband. Envy the way you could make him seem almost human.

The ceremony passed by quickly, the man who wed you together leaving both of you standing alone in the snow.   
You and Kylo pulling towards one another, lips crashing together. Finally meeting warmth on this frigid planet. His hand moving to your waist as he pushed you tighter to him. Each of you knew people were watching, and he wanted them to know that you were his. That he was powerful enough to make a woman like you fall for him.

Breaking the kiss that bound you together. Crazy isn't it. A simple touch like a kiss could unite two people together. Connecting them and binding them to one another. You became his, and he became yours.

Each of you looking at one another, small tears in your eyes.

"Empress Ren." Kylo said.

You smiled, your new name sending chills down your spine.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The elevator door had just shut and before you had a chance to walk all the way in, Kylo grabbed you by the waist. Gasping as he picked you up and pushed your back to the wall, your legs wrapping around him. Your dress was easy to move around since there weren't many layers. He dug his hand up one of the slits, grabbing you at the top of your thigh, pushing you on to him.

His lips were met with yours, a more needy kiss than before. You smiled against his lips at how eager he was.

You broke the kiss and placed your hands on his shoulders.

"Can we wait to get into our quarters, I don't want to ruin the dress." You offered.

You knew how aggressive he could get and you didn't want him ripping your wedding gown.

"Don't tell me when to wait, I told you before we arrived that I'm going to make you mine which means I can take you whenever and wherever I want. Do you understand that?" Kylo said grabbing your jaw and making you look up at him.  
You nodded your head.

"Do you understand that?" He asked more sternly.

"Y-yes Supreme Leader." You replied.

You didn't understand how he couldn't even be sweet to you on your wedding day.

"Good girl." He praised, pushing your head to the side and kissing down your neck-- or at least as far as the dress would let him.

Each of you heard the sound of the doors sliding open. He pulled off of the wall but still kept a hold of you. Making it to your quarters. He laid you on the bed. You took your crown and veil off, trying to work at the laces on the back of your dress.

Kylo became impatient at your struggling and pulled you towards him, turning you over and ripping out the strings of your dress. Sliding the fabric down your body.

"Careful!" You yelled back at him, scared that he would rip the dress.

As if he didn't hear you, he yanked it off of you. Throwing it to the ground as he leaned down and aggressively kissed you.

Your lips pressing against his as your teeth almost touched. He was smothering you, his hand led down to your waist as his other one held near your chest. The dress was one you couldn't wear a bra with, something Kylo didn't mind.

The way he kissed you almost became hostile, as if he had been without you his whole life. His hand placed lightly around your neck, restraining you but not yet choking you.   
The kiss broke and your lips were connected with one string of spit. He rubbed your bottom lip and let it wrap around his gloved thumb, pushing it in your mouth, you sucked on his finger until he pulled it out. Leather was left on your tongue.

"Lay back." Kylo ordered.

You did as he said and moved up on the bed, laying on your back, waiting for what he was going to do. You still had on your dark black heels and thin panties.

The next thing you heard was the harsh ripping of fabric. You lifted your head to look at the sound, only to see him ripping the fabric of your wedding dress.

"Kylo!" You yelled at him, moving to get up and stop him. But you felt your limbs stick, not being able to move anywhere.

"I said _lay back."_

"That's my wedding dress!"

Kylo walked over to you with the two pieces of ripped fabric he had. Grabbing you by the neck and pushing you down.

" _Lay back."_

You were becoming agitated. You had told him not too long ago that you didn't want to ruin the dress, and then he simply rips it.

You were pushed down, Kylo grabbing a hold of one of your arms. Taking the one piece of fabric and using it to tie your wrist to the bed. Doing the same with the other arm.   
You were on display for him to see, your body positioned open for him. He bent down kissing you, holding your neck and slowly pushing against your skin. Your eyebrows were furrowed in anger feeling the soft fabric of your wedding dress press against your wrists with every move you tried to make. Bound to the bed.

Kylo stood up and walked back over to the dress, giving it one more rip. He heard you struggle in the bed trying to prevent him from tearing it any more.

He walked back up to you. A smaller piece of your dress in hand. He leaned down to your ear.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do this to you. You better beg for it."

Feeling the fabric of your dress being placed around your eyes. Not being able to see anything besides the black blindfold. He tied it tightly and you felt him take his hand off of the bed which was helping support him. Not being able to tell what he was going to do next.

You let out staggered breaths of aggression, confusion, and anticipation. A swarm of butterflies forming in your chest as you waited for his touch.

His leather gloves grabbed the waistline of your panties, rubbing against the soft skin of your thighs as he pulled them down. You tried rubbing your legs together for a sense of friction before you felt him push down your thighs. He pulled them over your heels and tossed them to the pile of your wedding dress.

He leaned up on the bed, grabbing the back of your knees as he pulled you to him. Your urge to rub your legs together only became worse as you felt his breath fall between your thighs.

"Kylo please-"

"Quiet angel." Kylo opened your legs, licking a wet trail up your cunt.

You wanted to reach down and grab his hair as he continued to lick stripes between your legs. He moaned in between your folds, knowing how it would drive you insane. Teasing your entrance with his wet tongue as you moaned out for him. A sharp gasp at the feeling of him doing it.

He buried his face in between your thighs, holding you tight and being sure to cover you in his spit. His nose rubbing against your clit as he dived into you. The glowing sheen of sweat forming over your skin because you couldn't see him. You wanted to watch him and run your fingers through his hair.

For a quick second you felt the heat of his mouth leave you, his middle and ring finger grazing the side of your thigh and pushing into you. A moan escaping your lips once more.   
You moved your hips trying to get more of him. His free hand grabbed your waist, pushing down. 

"You get what I give you. Don't be a brat." He growled at you.

You bit your lip and took in a sharp breath wanting him.

"Please Kylo, please I need you." You begged, chest heaving.

His two gloved fingers began to push into you deeper, pulling out and going back in. He watched as you let out short moans, squirming at his touch and trying so hard not to push against his hand.

"Good girl." He praised seeing as you listened to him.

As a reward he added a third finger, pushing into you faster and harder. Your back arching slightly as you held back every nerve to not squeeze your legs together as you felt the butterflies swarming in your abdomen again.

"O-Oh," you let out at the soon feeling of euphoria. "Fuck Kylo." You loudly moaned feeling his fingers push deep inside you as you came around his gloved digits.

Kylo pulled out from between your legs and stuck his fingers in between his lips. You couldn't see him, but you heard the smack of his lips when he had sucked them clean.

Your legs still slightly shake, wanting to push together as you squirmed once again. Hearing the sound of his robes falling to the ground as he undressed himself.

Biting your lip in anticipation.

You felt the bed dip, he was on his knees in between your legs. Grabbing the back of your thighs, lifting them to wrap around his waist. Giving you no time to recover before taking his cock and sinking into you.

"Kylo.....Kylo....Please harder." You moaned with every one of his thrusts. He loved the way his name fell from your angelic lips. Ramming into you harder and digging his fingers into your waist.

He was consistently hitting your g-spot, letting out loud moans and muffled words with each of his thrusts. Turning your head to the side and biting the side of your arm that was held above you. Needing to bite down on something to help subdue your pleas. Tears soon forming in your eyes as you felt your second orgasm forming deep inside you.

With only a few more of his aggressive thrusts, your back arched and your mouth let out a begging moan. Kylo's name glowing from between your lips. Feeling him soon fill you after. Pushing in and out a few more times before pulling out of you.

Both of you panting with sweat shining on your skin. He saw your shaking legs and how your thighs were dripping with his cum. Taking his bare fingers and trailing them between your legs, making you bite your lip as he grazed over your sensitive clit.

Covering his fingers in your combined cum, grabbing your face and opening your mouth, pushing his fingers between your lips.

"Swallow it."

You slid your tongue over his digits, sucking his fingers clean and swallowing like he had told you.

"Such a good girl for me." He glorified you. Pulling his fingers from between your lips and untied the fabric covering your eyes.

Blinking a few times to readjust to the lighting. Kylo's lips meeting yours as you kissed.

He threw the blindfold to the side and began to untie your wrists. He got them undone and you pulled them to one another, rubbing against the skin and feeling the blood rush back down to them. Glancing over at where you bit your arm, but only seeing it get lost in the mix with the others.

"You did so good for me angel." Kylo praised stroking his fingers through your hair.

"But my wedding dress." You pouted seeing it ripped to shreds on the floor.

He had his back turned to you, walking over and rummaging through his dresser. Pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a long sweater. Throwing the shirt to you.

"I'll fix it, I promise." He kissed the top of your head, getting dressed.

"Do you mean it?" You worriedly asked pulling the sweater over your head.

"I said I'll fix it," He said one more time holding his hand out to you. Looking at him in confusion as he wanted to to get out of bed. "Get up, I want to show you something."   
You took a hold of his hand and stood from the bed with shaking legs.

He walked you to the study. Opening the doors and you saw how the room was being met with the golden glow cascading in through the sunroom placed towards the back. It was a part of the room that stuck out a bit farther and had glass walls.

There was a couch placed on the floor in front of the windows.

Kylo took you in his grasp and sat down with you. A clear view of the sun setting. You pulled your knees to your chest, leaning against him as he held you. Calmness and silence. Watching as the clouds faded from a golden orange to a deep red, fading into pink and then purple.

You bit your nails wondering if you should say something. Pulling away your finger and letting the words fall from your lips.

"I was in the winter of my life. And you were my only summer. At night, I used to fall asleep with the idea of us together. Falling asleep to images like this one. Never believing they would come true. Five years down the line and I'm finally met with you again," you kept your gaze on the setting sun as Kylo listened intently to you. "I once had dreams of us finding each other again. But upon an unfortunate series of events I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky. That I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken never believing I belonged with anyone besides you. Only seeking safety in you. And here I am. I was born to die Kylo. We were born to die. And I became a reckless woman. Who belonged to no one. Who had nothing. Who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me. But now I'm a woman who belongs to someone, not just anyone. I have everything. And I want nothing. I have all the freedom I could ever desire, I'm not scared anymore Kylo. I'm not scared." You smiled looking over to him.

He watched you in fascination. Not understanding how you could get behind the meaning of things so deeply.

"You know I'm never leaving you. Don't think I ever will. You're mine and I'm keeping you with me." Kylo responded.

You leaned in closer to his hold.

"I know that now. I know where I belong. And I want to be with you. What you don't tell no one you can tell me."

You felt his chest rise and fall against your back.

"I know, I don't have much to tell. There's much you need to learn however. I want to be the one to teach you. Do you trust me?"

You took a deep breath, seeing the last sliver of the red sun fade behind the horizon. Did you trust him.

"Of course."   
  
  
  


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_I'm so so so sorry this took me forever to update !! I'm just in one of those moments where I'm kind of struggling to find ideas, I'm open for any that you guys have !! Don't be afraid to comment them. Anyway, thank you so much for reading this chapter <3 I also desperately want to break up with my boyfriend so LOL _  
_[ tuesday the 29th - 2:54 am ]_


	11. - doux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗺𝗲. 𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗱." 𝗛𝗲 𝘀𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂- 𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗮 𝗼𝗳 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- kylo ren is a fucking little bitch boy
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**eleven** \- doux _( soft )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Off To The Races - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "Because I'm crazy, baby_  
_I need you to come here and save me_  
_I'm your little scarlet starlet"_  
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_⁰₁₁_  
  


**You fell to your knees on a mat as Kylo pushed you down.** Landing with a harsh groan. He grabbed your hair and pulled it up to look at him.

"Constant vigilance won't stop you from getting hurt. Open up. Do you understand that?" He said, looking down at you. Your neck was arched up to meet his gaze as your hair was pulled.

"Yes." You replied.

He tugged your hair farther back.

"Yes what."

"Yes Master."

Kylo let a small smirk fall on his face.

"Good girl," He praises letting go of your hair. "Now get up and do it again."

You groaned getting back to your feet. Taking the staff Kylo had given you and twirling it between your fingers. He hadn't trusted you yet with a Lightsaber, so a sturdy staff was good enough. He had one too.

"You agreed to do this now don't complain." He said, hearing you groan.

You had your back turned to him, rolling your eyes.

"I know I agreed to it but you don't have to be so mean. It's not helping." You replied turning around, still twirling the staff.

Kylo took his in his hand and swung it at you, ducking as he persistently tried to push you back.

"You're not going to learn anything if I'm coddling you the entire time. If you would've gotten it right the first time we could already be in bed. It's not my fault you're difficult to work with."

He pushed you back, continuing to strike his staff against yours.

Anger building up, you came at him with broad unorthodox strokes. He was now moving back as you advanced on him.

"I don't need this type of training. I've known this stuff for years." You sternly said.

"Well then how come you're so horrible at it!" Kylo yelled aiming for your legs. You blocked his attempt and brought each of your staffs up. Pulling your arms closer together and bringing him to you before pushing back harshly as he fell to the ground.

"I'm not horrible at it," You snapped, kneeling to the ground and straddling his waist. "Maybe I just have an incompetent teacher." Lowering close to his face and pulling your staff up to his neck, signifying you won this match.

Kylo grabbed you by the hair and pressed his lips against yours. Biting your skin as he kissed you. Pushing deeper into the kiss as his tongue ran against yours.

Flipping you over and landing with a groan that he caught with his lips. You were on your back as he towered above you. Pulling his lips away from yours while you presented an annoyed face. He wasn't afraid to play dirty and it bothered you. Groaning at him as he took advantage of your relationship. Even though it was strictly against the rules to act like he was anything other than your teacher while you were in training.

"Since you finally won a match, we can go clean up." He said getting off of you and helping you up as he took your staff from you.

You nodded to him. An uneasy feeling in your gut. Looking over to one corner of the room and seeing a man dressed in all black.

_'He still hadn't left?'_

The tall man had been standing in the corner watching the two of you your entire training. You thought at first that it was just someone supervising you as you were still unpredictable. Not bringing it up to Kylo. Not until now.

"Who is that guy anyway?" You asked him as he walked back over to you- wrapping one of his hands around your waist softly.

He looked at you in annoyance and confusion.

"Who?"

You nodded your head over to the corner where the man was. He was continuing to stand tall and stare at you.

"Him."

Kylo followed your nod. He only saw an empty corner.

"There's no one there," He said looking back at you and tightening his grip on your waist, pushing you forwards out of the doors. "Just go get ready for bed, I'll be in soon."

Your steps were stuttered as he pushed you towards the exit. Looking over your shoulder and seeing Kylo clean up, the man standing in the corner continues to stare at you.

You stepped into your shared quarters. Walking into the closet and grabbing a long dark robe and undergarments. Preparing a bath and turning the lights to a more dim setting.

Kylo had previously told you to leave the door open when you would shower or bath. Something you found confusing at first; then you didn't think much of it. But tonight, you just wanted to be left alone. Kylo had been training with you all day and he acts as if you're nothing to him when you train.

\- Well besides when he wants to take advantage of you whenever you seemed to be winning.

You understand it to an extent of his teaching, but there was no need for his aggressiveness when you would make a small mistake. Closing the door behind you before stripping off your clothing and slipping into the warm water.

Lavender smell filling the room. Kylo often replaced the flower petals and candles since you went through them so quickly. Taking hot baths relieved your constant stress and calmed you.

Leaning back and letting your back rest against the black porcelain. Moving your hands around in the water and seeing the bubbles and flower petals move with you. A few of them stick to your skin. A deep breath was what bloomed your mind into relaxation.

As if you were floating. Feeling like you were going to daze off but you were still awake.

 _"I'm surprised you made it this far."_ A woman said.

It was a calming sound, one with a voice as smooth and thick as honey. It sounded sweet and caring. Events like this had often occurred, but not in a very long time, it has been a while since you heard this voice.

"Me too." You replied talking into the air. Resting your head back and letting your eyelids close.

_"You know it's almost time. It has been years since we've talked, but I know you feel it. You feel it coming."_

You twirled your hands in the water, feeling the hot and cold of the bath mixing together against your skin and easing your tension.

"I know what I have to do, just not yet. The timing isn't right. We'll get there, be patient."

The voice became more hostile in its next statement.

_"They're waiting for you! You have no time to be patient!"_

"I said the timing isn't right! You're doing nothing to help."

The voice seemed to echo around you. Only hearing this voice and nothing else.

_"Would you rather have thoughts of what happened on Nava? You're lucky to have me."_

Your eyes were still closed, leaning against the bathtub edge.

"I don't even remember what happened on that planet in the first place. And none of you are helpful in any aspect, you tell me things I already know." You groaned.

You felt a piercing strike through your chest. Flinching at the feeling and opening your eyes as the water splashed. You saw that tall man dressed in all black. Staring at you. No expression on his face, but you felt like you could tell what he wanted to say.

The man lunged for you, grabbing you by the throat and pushing you far under the water. The hot bath engulfing you.

Screams were echoing around, almost sounding muffled. You saw a little boy being ripped away. You saw hands clawing and scratching at someone's arms. You saw the face of a young woman, not someone you could name, but someone who looked familiar. Wanting to comfort her, she had a somber look in her eyes. As if everything had been ripped away from her. She looked so familiar.

Gasping for air as you broke the surface tension of the bath. Your hair dripping wet as your skin shined with the coverage of water. Your eyes were slightly red and you had a heaving chest.

You heard your name.

You looked over and saw Kylo.

"Leave the door open." He said to you before walking out of the refresher.

You felt your dry hair touch your skin. Looking down at your shoulders and seeing how they were untouched by water. You didn't feel the need to gasp for air.

As if none of it had really happened.

You glanced out the corridor again, trying to look for Kylo.

"Kylo!" You yelled.

He emerged from the back of your living quarters, leaning against the doorway taking his gloves off.

"What." He said not even glancing at you.

"Do you know what happened on Nava?" You calmly asked.

He looked up to you almost with an angry look, more so confused you were even asking about it.

"Of course I do."

You fidgeted with your hands under the water. Afraid to question him. Your curiosity is eating you away.

_Who was that woman? Why couldn't you remember?_

"Can you tell me about it?"

Kylo scoffed, walking away from the refresher.

"No."

You got out from the bath and quickly dried off with a towel, wrapping your long black robe around you and tying a knot around your waist. Rushing out into your living quarters. Kylo was undressing from his robes. Taking his cape off.

"Kylo please," You said nearly begging. "Please tell me." Pleading eyes.

He turned around, pointing his finger at you. "No! I told you I wouldn't so don't continue asking about it!" He yelled in your face. Your hands coming to meet each other as you flinched.

He saw the dismay in your eyes when he yelled at you. Dropping his hand from pointing at you and letting out a harsh sigh. Turning back around undressing from his clothes.

"Just get in bed, stop worrying about it."

You felt a slight wrench in your heart when he raised his voice at you. There was a difference between doing it while training and then when you were together in your private quarters.

Watching as he continued to undress, hoping he'd say something. Of course you didn't expect him to say sorry, but you wanted him to take it back. Backing up from him and walking back into the refresher getting ready for bed.

Looking at your wedding ring and picking it up from the counter and placing it back on your finger. It was embezzled with large diamonds and red dark ruby's. Watching how it sparkled in the light even as dim as it was. Biting your lip and slightly leaning onto the counter. Thinking of how long you've waited to be married to him. The harder you thought about it, the more you remembered wanting to marry Ben. Kylo wasn't Ben.

He was nothing more than a shadow of Ben.

For the week you and him have been married, he's done nothing but yell at you from your constant training. The only break you ever had is early in the morning and late at night. Kylo is taking extra time out of his day to work with you, but there are some days you wish he would leave you alone.

It had been days since he called you angel. He hadn't even given you a real kiss since your wedding day. His lips only ever met yours when he wanted to deceive you or have you vulnerable under his touch.

He promised to not leave you, even though he was still there, he seemed to be fading away. As if he was only acting sweet to you before marriage, then finally getting you to be his, and treating you like you're nothing.

Funny how people change the second they get what they really want.

You took the ring of your finger and placed it back down on the counter. Walking out and turning the lights off, getting under the covers and looking out the window. You hadn't even bothered to get dressed in your other clothes, keeping on the silk robe.

After a few more minutes, you felt the bed dip and the lights were shut off. Kylo laid next to you, he faced you as you had your back turned toward him.

Bringing your hands up under the pillow and trying your best to fall asleep. The best nights to rest are the days you felt broken. Sleeping subdued the reality you were now living in.

The reality with Kylo.

Dreaming of Ben.

In your dreams you would occasionally have memories of the nights you could no longer remember. It was peaceful. But even more painful when you realized it won't ever be the same.

An hour had passed, of you drifting in and out of sleep, getting to the point you would almost fall asleep and then become conscious again. You opened your eyes and let out a huff of air, just wanting to go to bed. The snow wasn't falling outside, so you had nothing to lull you to sleep.

You were softly breathing as the low feeling of heartache beat out of your chest like flower petals being ripped off the stem.

Laying in bed and staring at the window was doing nothing for you. Looking down at the bed sheets and tracing your finger around aimlessly. Taking silent breaths and trying to remember what happened on Nava.

Kylo was awake, he could rarely ever sleep. But it didn't help when he tried to fall asleep with your back towards him. He knew you were awake too, he could hear your fingers tracing over the seam of the fabric.

Both of you laying in silence hoping the other one would say something.

You looked up from your fingers in hopes of seeing the snow finally falling. But you looked up to see that man again.

Flinching upon seeing his large figure shadow the window. At first he was just standing there watching. Your eyes seemed locked on him, your breaths picking up in a sense of fear.

He started walking towards you, almost with every slow step he took; you started to remember scenes of what happened on Nava. A young girl with tears in her eyes. A little boy screaming. The overwhelming feeling of sorrow, taking you in to the point you were choking on it.

You pushed at the covers, backing away as best you could. Feeling you press against Kylo's chest, heaving for air, tears glossing your eyes and threatening to fall between your eyelashes and kiss your skin.

Kylo felt you panic and held his arm up as you pressed against him in fear.

Upon touching him, you worriedly got off of him, not taking the chance of getting yelled at once again. You were scared and you felt you didn't have anyone.

Trapped between two lost states of mind.

To become submissive to the dreadful memory or fall into the arms of a lethal killer. You felt absent. Like you had to take one of two roads, neither ending in adoration.

Kylo continued to search the room for your source of panic but found nothing. He wanted to grab you and hold you to find out what was wrong but he knew you were still upset at him from earlier. He didn't know what to do. What even could he do?

The figure came closer. The broadness of his shoulders towering against the darkness of the room. His height seemed familiar. The shadow of his hair. It was Ben.

Your chest heaved in hysteria. Seeming to entrance you into a moment of panic. It didn't seem like Ben, it didn't seem like Kylo. Moreso, a figure of your shattered memory. He seemed so familiar but you didn't know who he was.

The more you continued to think of it and tried to pinpoint who he was, you lost memory of his name. You lost memory of the emotions he made you feel. You had no idea who he was any longer. A stranger to you.

The tall figure reaching out for you, your back once again pressing to Kylo's chest. You wanted to feel safe, you didn't know who this person was and all of the sudden he was trying to take you with him.

"Kylo!" You screamed. The horror and confusion mixing together in your voice as it passed between your lips. Continuing to try and back up from whoever this person was.

Kylo's arms wrapped around you, trying his best to hold you as you trembled in panic.

His one arm cloaked around your chest, he felt how you shuddered under his touch. You were terrified. He sat up in bed, bringing you up with him as you stayed close to him.

To you, there was a stranger trying to take you away from home.

 _This was your home right? This is where you belong_ _?_ _This is who you were always made to be?_

To Kylo, you were crying hysterically at nothing, he saw nothing. But he could only feel your horror. He's never felt anything like it.

He turned the bedside light on. Watching how your breaths seemed to diminish in fear. Your head fell back to touch him. Tears falling down the side of your face and touching his skin when they dropped.

You felt sick. Nauseated. The pounding headache surging through your mind and beating deep inside your bones.

You wanted to close your eyes and fall asleep, but the overwhelming feeling of being sick surged your mind and body.

In an instant you tried your best to pull out from Kylo's hold. Getting out of bed as the covers dragged with you. Making it to the refresher on time and vomiting up the wretched feeling you seemed to have buried deep inside you.

Tears forming at your eyes, feeling Kylo trace small circles on the small of your back as he comforted you. Continuing to get sick.

You felt you were done. Falling back into him and just wanting to be cradled. The wetness of your tears once again touching his skin when he held you.

If you hadn't let go of the past before, you certainly had now. You felt it leave you.

Your vision becomes dreary as you continue to feel nauseous. Falling asleep in Kylo's arms as the last few remaining tears seeped from your eyes.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You woke back up in bed. A cold rag on your head as you were dressed in a silk nightgown.

Your throat felt dry and your eyes were blurry. Opening them a small bit and seeing two figures standing by the door.

Kylo was talking to a Doctor that he had ordered to take care of you. A soft whimper left your lips when you moved to try and sit up better. A tug was felt at your arm. You hadn't been bothered enough to glance at it, your head was pounding.

They both looked over at you, and the Doctor seemed more excited you were awake than your own husband.

The man dressed in a black medical uniform made his way to you. Kneeling down by the bed and trying to get your attention.

Everything felt hazy as you looked to your side and saw an old man. He looked to be kind.

"Empress Ren," the first time you heard someone call you that since you were married. "We're both glad to see you're awake, but it's best if you continue to lie down and take it easy for a while. Your body seems to be ridding itself of something, we can't quite figure out yet but it's nothing you need to worry about too much. Just make sure you're staying hydrated and in bed." He kindly said to you.

You gave him a struggling nod.

You felt weak and that was the one thing you didn't want to feel. In front of Kylo, you didn't want to seem incompetent or weak.

You were dragged from your thoughts when the cold rag on your head was replaced with another one.

Barely noticing how the Doctor has left and it was once again just you and Kylo.

"What happened?" You softly asked, your throat still dry.

Your vision was taunting you. Fading in and out as if you've been sleep deprived.

Feeling a small touch on your hand, and cold metal slide over your ring finger. The wedding band was being placed back where it belonged. Kylos touch is soft and firm. You could tell he was holding back something.

"You got sick and passed out," He said. No sense of emotion as he let go of your hand. "Keep that on. You know who you belong to."

You felt sick and disgusted with yourself, as if you felt guilty for something. Watching as Kylo began to walk away from you to the exit of the room.

_Did you do something wrong? Why did you feel so sick? Why can't you remember last night?_

"Wait," You mumbled. "Wait." Your voice scratching against the dryness of your dehydrated throat to the point it nearly hurt.

_Did he see you as weak? Was he giving up on you? Why was he being so distant?_

Your covers were pulled off of you, taking the rag off and trying to get up.

Kylo looked back, having no idea why you were doing what you were doing.

"Get back in bed."

As if you lived to disobey his orders, you fell from the bed, landing on your knees as you dropped to the ground. Looking up and seeing the IV still in your arm. Taking it by the clear duct and yanking it out from you. Not even taking a moment to flinch at the pain, you were too busy on trying to focus your vision and balance.

"What are you doing?" Kylo said with an irritated tone. Grabbing you by both arms and pulling you back onto the bed.

"No, get off of me." You whined trying to push against him.

You struggled as your weak body tried its best to effort his restrictive arms and hands.

"You need to stay in bed." Once again, no amusement in his tone.

Giving his grasp one more harsh push, gaining you nothing but a small second of freedom.

"No," You fussed, getting equally as irritated as he tried to hold you in your spot. "I-I feel fine just let go of me. I want to go with you."

Kylo forcefully pushed your arms down, earning a wince from your already pouting lips.

"You're not coming with me. Now stay in bed." He snapped at you- he seemed provoked at the idea of even having to care for you while you acted like this.

Your arms and hands fell limp at no longer trying to prevent him from restraining you. Looking into eachothers eyes.

That's what always happened no matter the situation. You stared into those dark eyes of his as he stared into yours. Usually as a form of fighting for dominance or passion. But you saw anger in his eyes as he saw affliction in yours.

His gloved hands let go of you. Turning around and continuing his path to walk out the door.

"Why are you being so mean to me Kylo?" Your dry voice daintily cracking when you called out to him.

He stormed back over to you.

"You think that this is me being mean? You have no idea how nasty I can get angel."

You stayed firm as he got in your face. Your eyes were glossy and dark. Not giving him any chance to catch in to your weakness.

"Yes, you are being mean. For me being your Empress, you're being pretty mean. All you do is yell at me and tell me what I can't do." You calmly replied to him. 

"And try to prevent you from getting hurt, and feeding you, and taking care of you, and providing you with anything you could ever want. That doesn't sound mean to me. It just sounds like you're being greedy and ungrateful." His teeth gritted.

His words seemed to send you into a senseless and wordless trance. You were angry, you were sad. You didn't know how to describe it. Pursing your lips and feeling the gathered tears fall from your eyes as Kylo yelled at you. Biting the inside of your lip.

He pushed off of you, watching how you didn't have anything more to say.

"Stay in bed or I'll have my Knights come in to make sure you do because clearly you can't listen to anything I say." Kylo ordered, grabbing the cold rag and running it under water again. Placing it in your forehead.

Pushing away from him when he tried to help you.

"I feel fine, I don't need that." You replied.

Kylo let out a harsh irritated sigh.

"You're not fine and you do need this. Stop being so difficult."

You took the rag off and tried to get your feet to touch the ground again. He was through with your constant disobedience. So he stepped back and watched as you struggled to find balance.

"I said I feel fine. There's nothing wrong with me." You continued to deny.

Your eyes were watery and your voice was cracking. Feet faltering when you got off from the bed. Not even making it a full three steps before you had that nauseous feeling wash over you once again. Falling to the ground as the small bits of dust collected on your black silk nightgown.

"Pathetic." Kylo mumbled, grabbing you by the arm and putting you back in bed.

You winced at hearing what he called you. Watching him walk to the door and press the intercom button. He mumbled something before you had a chance to actually understand what he said.

The abhorrent sensation was still there. The feeling of your heart suddenly starting to race and how your breaths felt stuttered. Only managing to keep your balance on the way to the refresher. Falling to the cold ground and getting sick once more.

Holding your hair up by yourself. Feeling you were done for now, grabbing the counter edge and pulling yourself up. Filling one of the cups with water and rinsing your mouth out to the point you felt clean.

Leaning against the counter and finally falling submissive to the weak feeling. Shaky breaths still pass through your lips as you close your eyes. Strong hands grabbing you and letting you fall back into them.

Kylo felt your fragile body become vulnerable for him. Not fighting the restraints. And you hated it. That he could practically feel the weakness emanating off of you.

"Kylo, I- I promise I'm fine."

"Shh," He cut you off. "How many times do I tell you not to lie to me?" He whispered to you.

Shaking your head and moving your hair to hopefully push him slightly off of you. Your back pressing against him as he moved his hands to touch the counters on either side of you. Blocking you in.

"I'm not lying!" You yelled with your back still towards him.

His hand grabbed your waist and pushed you to face him.

"Don't raise your voice at me." His gloves pressing the skin of your jaw. Pulling your face to look at him.

Your skin was red and flustered with the soft look of past tears.

"Don't be such an asshole to me."

There was an evil look in Kylo's eyes. The only thing that averted your attention from his glare was the sound of your door sliding open followed by the sound of heavy footsteps. Two of his Knights appeared in the doorway. Waiting for their next order from Kylo.

He only exchanged one quick glance at them before looking back to you. Pressing closer to the point you felt his one leg push between both of yours. Leaning his head down to you. His one hand holding your waist so you wouldn't fall.

"Watch your mouth angel, you know I can ruin you if I wanted," His deep voice ringing in your head. "You want to be a good girl for me don't you?" His words seem to root into your mind.

You wanted to be a good girl for him.

"Yes Supreme Leader." You replied, eyes glazing over with false truths.

"Perfect." He softly smiled.

You felt him pick you up, passing between his Knights and laying you on the bed.

One of his hands on your waist while the other one lazily fell over your thigh. His lips met your cheek in a firm kiss that was followed by a few more subtle ones on your neck. A tight grip on your leg right before he let go of you.

"You'll be a good girl for them too won't you?" He asked.

You let out a small laugh, smiling and looking up to him.

"I'll try my best, you know I'm only a good girl for you."

Another devious smile crept on his face. Dipping in and kissing your neck once again.

"Of course angel."

Kylo began to walk for the door for a final time.

"Make sure she doesn't get out of bed. Don't go easy on her if she does." He ordered his Knights, making his way through the door.

You watched as they were on either side of the bed. Standing still and tall with their weapons in hand. You couldn't even tell if they were human. 

Looking between both of them and letting a small laugh purse your lips.

"Let's just get it over with boys." You said, feeling completely lively. As if you hadn't even been sick.

Stepping off from the bed and watching how they made their way towards you.  
  


｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Hi everyone !!! :)) super sorry it took me so long to get this chapter down. I just have a few small things going on in my life right now that need to be dealt with :( seeing all your guises nice comments really helps a lot_ 🥺 _thank you so much for making it this far and reading my story !! <3_  
_\- make sure u stay safe too plz_  
_[ Monday the 4th - 4:59pm ]_


	12. - épanoui

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗜𝘁'𝗹𝗹 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿," 𝗛𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗲𝗱. 𝗛𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗶𝗿𝗰𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸. 𝗣𝘂𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗮 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗹𝗲𝗲𝗽. "𝗜𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗹." ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- nsfw  
> \- very very soft
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**twelve** \- épanoui _( blooming )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Love Song - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "Now I'm here with you, and I_  
_Would like to think that you would stick around_  
_You know that I'd just die to make you proud_  
_The taste, the touch, the way we love_  
_It all comes down to make the sound of our love song"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰₁₂_

**You sat on the couch, looking out at the cold planet.** Hearing nothing but the heater kicking on. Laying with your legs hanging over the armrest, your back to the cushions as you had your head turned to stare out the window.

Each of the Knights weapons were placed on the ground in front of you.

Looking back you saw them in a deep Force induced sleep you had put them in to.

Letting your head fall back to the cushion and groaning in boredom. Sliding your legs off of the arm rest and feeling your body fall to the ground with it. The sensation of your showing skin touch the cold surface sent chills through your spine.

With a sudden shock, the cathodic sound of the sliding door opened. Boots only being heard for a few steps before they stopped.

"Kylo!" You yelled with a smile on your face. "I missed you."

You quickly got up and saw his confused face.

He was almost bewildered at the sight of his Knights laying on the ground and you happily running to him.

Wrapping your arms around his neck and pushing as high as you could on your tippy-toes to give him a kiss.

He returned the kiss but only a little moment before putting his hand on your waist and pulling you back down.

Seeing the confused look on his face and turning back around to see Ap'lek and Trudgen passed out on your bedroom floor. You faced Kylo again, arms still around his neck.

"I told you I felt fine." Smiling back up at him, dropping your hands and walking over to grab their weapons.

"What did you do to them?" He asked, a small dosage of pride on his face.

Picking up the large blade and tall staff, making your way to the two brooding men on the ground. Dropping them in front of them and seeing how they jolted awake.

"I got bored. Don't worry...I didn't hurt them." Watching how they stood up quickly after seeing their Master looking at them defeated.

They grabbed their weapons and positioned themselves upright. Trying to look as authoritative as they could. You moved back over to Kylo's side, a small smirk on your face as you watched his Knights.

Kylo motioned his head to the door.

"You're dismissed."

The Knights nodding their head and walking out.

You trailed your hand off of his arm and sauntered on to the bed.

Kylo took his one glove off, walking over to your side of the bed, pressing the back of his hand to your forehead. You didn't even feel warm.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't anger my Knights. You're going to regret doing that when you need them to protect you." He said taking his hand off and backing up.

You scoffed.

"I can protect myself," Leaning into the edge of the bed as you looked at your husband. "I'm a capable woman and I don't need those bozos 'protecting me'." You quoted.

Kylo gave you an exaggerated nod. As if you had an epiphany over something he already knew.

"Can I please go with you next time? I'm an Empress of an entire Order and I don't even do anything." You whined, rolling to your back as your arms were up in the air; playing with your fingers.

He watched in amusement as you acted like a spoiled child. Noticing the two sides of you drifting in between one another. He'd be lying if he didn't find this side a bit easier to deal with.

"You don't do anything yet because you're not properly trained-"

"Ugh, Kylo but I am trained!" You groaned cutting him off and rolling back over. "You keep forgetting me and you _trained together._ I just want to be able to do something besides die of boredom every day."

"Not exactly angel, there is still much you need to learn. Especially about running The First Order." He replied walking up to you and beginning to run his hand through your hair.

"Well then why did you want to get married so soon if you're not even going to hold me to the title?"

You got free of his roaming hand and went to stand up. Wrapping your arms loosely around his neck. He held your waist and placed you to sit on the bed.

Leaning down and placing a kiss on your forehead.

"I told you I would make you mine. Have I not done that? It's easier for you to be the Empress sooner on, you'd be surprised by how many half-wits are on this planet. I wanted you to be held to the same standard as me." He answered.

The two of you were actually having a normal conversation. No hostility or undermining tones. As if he was really talking to you.

"Well then why can't I do the same things as you?"

"Because we're just not there yet," Kylo replied, his hand meeting your waist. "But how are you feeling?" He asked, still confused as to how there wasn't an ounce of sickness in you.

You shrugged.

"How many times do I have to tell you," groaning and leaning back as he followed with you. "I feel fine. But the more important question is, why are you being so nice to me?" Tilting your head with a smile on your face.

He continued to lean forward until your back was flush to the bed. Kylo's body between your legs as he was above you.

"Because I got what I wanted while I was gone," You tilted your head in a slight bit of confusion. "I was in a meeting with my generals and they were doubting my plan earlier, but I managed to get them to listen." He replied.

"But you're the Supreme Leader, why can't it just be whatever you say goes?" You asked.

"It doesn't work like that angel. That's like me saying 'if you're sick, just inject antibacterials into yourself,' it's a completely and utterly stupid thing to say. If everything I say went, we would have half our staff gone before we knew it. There has to be at least a few filters before I get what I want."

You softly laughed at his idiotic example of something he would order. The uncovered Kylo was beginning to show. The protective humorous side of him. Getting what he wants really does put him in such a better mood.

 _'You'd have to be stupid to say that.'_ You thought.

"Well what did you want to get anyway?"

"I'd rather not worry about that now," He answered, pulling you off of your back and into his arms. "You should take a bath before dinner," Leaning down so his forehead was touching yours. "You're stinky," He teased.

You softly laughed pushing him off of you.

"Well maybe you should shower because you're pretty stinky too," You replied, taking his hand he had held out for you. "You've been touching me all day,"

He gave you one of those exaggerated nods again. Walking to the refresher with you.

Kylo sat you on top of the counter, you wrapped your legs around his waist and tugged on his tunic. Pulling him towards you as you placed small kisses all over the soft skin of his face. Giving him a longer one on his cheek before pulling away. Each kiss calming his nerves from his stressful day.

He replied with simply placing one on your forehead again.

You let go of him and unwrapped your legs. Seeing him walk over to the large tub and turn on the faucets. Pulling his glove off and checking the water until it was the temperature you liked.

You slid off of the counter-top. Taking the straps of your nightgown and pushing them off of your shoulder. The fabric pooling at your feet.

Stepping out of the clothing and opening a cabinet that held soaps and flower petals. Pulling out viles and jars. Setting them down on the surface you were just sitting.

Kylo walked up to you, placing his hands on your waist. Leaning into his chest and looking up. Dipping his head down to you as he kissed your neck and jaw.

Feeling his strong hands trail down to your backside and gripping right at the top of your thighs. Picking you up against him. Your bare skin was pricked with shivers when he set you back on top of the counter. The rough edges of his tunic gliding against you.

The frigid surface mixing with his warm touch and the steam filling the room from the hot water.

His lips continued to smother your skin, leaving small pink marks where he stayed the longest. Your fingers running through his hair while lost strands would get stuck in the cracks of your broken nails.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You walked out of the refresher, silk robe on as you were drying your hair with a towel. Kylo's hair was still slightly damp since he had taken a shower while you bathed.

He was much kinder after the two of you would share intimate moments. Even the small things like how you would kiss him alleviated his tension. You made him want to be better. He at least had a reason now.

Kylo barely understood why he had been so vile to you earlier that day. From the fact he was up with you all night to your disobedience or the irritable conferences he was forced to attend. The stress of it all was beginning to root itself inside him. This was all new to him as well.

He had to care for someone, show affection and gratitude. He was thankful it was you, he had never showed such powerful and destructive emotions to anyone but you before. After the six years of the two of you being separated, he seemed to forget how to convey those feelings. But you never did. As if you were just saving it all up for the day he was ready. The day you would finally find him again.

Walking up behind him and placing your hands on his shoulders, helping prop you up to kiss his neck. 

"Hey Kylo." You proposed wrapping your arms around him.

"Yes?" He replied while flipping through papers on his desk.

"Do you still know how to do those fancy braids?" You asked.

You could've sworn you felt his breath hitch.

"Yeah." He answered after a few seconds of silence. Continuing to take quick glances of the documents before turning them over.

You smiled, ducking under his arm so you were almost in front of him. His view was placed on the desk.

"Can you just do one sweet thing for me? Just one," Your hand running along his chest trying to grab his attention. "Can you pretty pretty please braid my hair for me?"

Kylo sighed.

"Maybe, I still have a lot of these to go through." He said, still having yet to look at you.

You were now sitting on the cold ground in front of the window while Kylo was on the couch, weaving his fingers through your wet hair.

"You're so kind when you're not in a bad mood." You smiled.

"Only for you," He mumbled barely even noticeable, motioning for you to give him your wrist so he could take the hair tie off of it. "Look down." He said getting a better view on his braid as he tied the ends together.

You listened and looked down. Hearing him place his hands on his lap signifying he was done. Turning around and leaning up to kiss him.

"Thank you, Kylo." You smiled, sitting next to him.

He pulled you onto his lap, your head resting on the arm of the couch while your legs were placed against the rest of the cushions. His hand trailing over your hip bone and softly sliding under his shirt you were wearing. There was something Kylo loved about even touching you. The skin to skin contact, showing each of you that you were really there. Trusting one another enough to hold you without hurting you.

"So," You started turning your head to look at him. "Can you tell me why you were such an asshole earlier?" You asked, a smile still lingering on your face.

Kylo sighed, running his hand farther up your torso, gripping your waist and re-positioning you so you could be more comfortable.

"I was just stressed out, it's nothing you need to worry about."

Rolling your eyes you placed your fingers on his over the fabric.

"You can't be mean to me, when I did nothing, just because you're in a bad mood. The least you could do is actually tell me what you discussed in that meeting. Considering this isn't just _your_ Empire anymore." You replied, a tone in your voice signifying you no longer wanted him to avoid the question. A switch in your voice and composure.

"I already did you a favor." He said, motioning to your hair.

"Would it kill you to not be so reserved sometimes?" You complained.

Kylo saw that glaze over your eyes dimmer. No longer being so obedient for him.

"I was going to tell you, it's just I don't think you're going to like the idea."

Spiking interest, now you had to know.

"Kylo just tell me." You said.

"I'm going to be leaving in a few days," Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "That mission I told you about, how I wanted you to go with me. I have to begin it sooner. You're not fully prepared yet, so you won't be coming with me." He said, telling you straightforwardly.

"What?" You loudly questioned sitting up. "Wh-Why can't I go with you? How long are you going to be gone? Were you really just going to wait until you were actually leaving to tell me?" The slight bit of anger in the undertone of your voice.

Kylo's hands trailed off of you as you sat up.

"We located the person that's carrying a section of the map we need to locate Skywalker. It's on Jakku and I don't want to bring you with me if you're at risk. Not until your training is complete. It should take me a few days to be completed with it if everything goes accordingly." He told you.

You had just become comfortable with him and now he was leaving?

"But I don't want you to go." You pouted, running your hands through his hair.

Kylo had a small smile on his face hearing you say that. Pulling you forward and kissing your temple.

"I know angel, but it should only be about a week and I'll be back."

Kylo didn't have to hear your next words to know you were upset. Your eyes said it all. Even with the sky beginning to dim and the clouds fading different shades of pink and purple, he could still tell how your eyes were a shade cooler.

He pressed you close to him, running his hand up your bare legs and under the fabric of the shirt. Colliding his lips with yours and feeling how you melted into his touch.

Kylo pulled your legs apart so you were straddling his waist. His lips breaking apart from yours and meeting again with the soft skin of your collarbone. You were dazzling and sparkling under the sunsets afterglow.

You felt the places he kissed you go cold as he looked up at you. Taking his hand and trailing it down the scar that lined your face. The one he gave you. If only you knew how often he thinks about that night. How he regrets it. The fear and terror in your eyes never seems to leave his thoughts. Your screams find themselves comfortable in his nightmares.

He felt the ridges of the cauterized skin against his finger tips. You placed your hand around his wrist, closing your eyes as he touched you. Feeling nothing but him.

"You know I forgive you, Kylo." You quietly said opening your eyes as he trailed down the last cell of your skin that held all the events of that night.

His hands pressed to your lower back, pulling you down to his level. His lips kissing the scar he gave you, lining down its raised flesh.

"You're beautiful."

His words ringing in your ears and echoing in your mind. You had a large smile on your face, one that radiated happiness and admiration.

Leaning into him and kissing his lips. The smile still lingering on your face as he continually kissed you. Wrapping one of his arms under you, and placing one on the back of your neck.

Kylo stood from his seat, not breaking the kiss until he laid you down on the bed. Watching as he towered over you. You could practically see the affection beating off of him with each pulse of his blood red heart.

Feeling his hands pull his shirt off of you. Cold air blanketing your skin, his fingers gripping your waist as his hot mouth trailed up your stomach to your chest. Squirming under his touch. Kylo's eyes not looking anywhere but how you reacted to him.

He saw your legs press together, the way your chest was filled with breaths of air for alleviation, arching your back at even his smallest kiss.

Kylo pulled you closer to the edge of the bed, leaning down and placing his thumb on your bottom lip, pushing between your mouth so you were sucking on his finger. He pulled it down until you looked him in the eye.

His other hand lacing the hem of your panties, sliding them off of your legs as you began to hear him undress himself.

"I want you to just think of me right now, okay?" Kylo said.

You nodded your head against him.

"Okay?" He repeated.

"Y-yes Supreme Leader." You answered.

He shook his head with a faint smile.

"I'm just Kylo tonight pretty girl." He replied, taking his thumb from between your lips.

You began to feel yourself calm, his deep voice sending you to a place you only ever saw with him. His hand softly gripping the base of your neck. Each of you were filled with this new desire. Not for the pleasure but the meaning. What it meant for him to claim you, what it meant when you only thought of him.

Kylo leaned down to kiss you. Catching a sudden moan into his mouth as he sunk in between your thighs.

Feeling him. The fire that rose on your skin wherever he touched you. The melting of your lips whenever he kissed you. The sparkling of your soul however he would hold you. Feeling him in your mind and in your heart.

Soft moans parting your lips with each one of his thrusts. Your angelic sounds nearly sending him off the edge already. It's been years since either of you felt like this. The galaxy fading away around you.

Kylo pulling out almost all the way before pushing back into you. Your eyes harshly squeezing shut at the pleasurable pressure.

His hand riding up your throat to hold your jaw. Turning your head to look at him. Feeling his forehead touch against yours.

"Shh, Shh," He coddled. "Just look at me okay? I want you to look at me." He said placing a kiss on your forehead before gripping his hand where it originally was.

You opened your eyes and looked up at him as he said. Falling deep into that dark brown. With each one of his thrusts you seemed to grow closer to his mind.

He felt you as you felt him. Feeling your moans radiate off of his hand. How you were becoming more clear for him. The euphoria rooting deep inside you threatening to rise to the surface. Feeling so much more than _only_ you.

His thrusts get faster and his groans become more audible as your soft pleas grew louder. Trying your hardest to not squeeze your eyes shut. Feeling yourself get closer.

"Please Kylo." You moaned out.

He came down one more time to meet your lips together. Your body moving with him against the bed. Dewy and sparkling skin glowing golden in the setting sun's afterglow.

"I know angel, I know." He said, beginning to kiss down your jawline and neck.

The euphoric feeling was rising higher to the surface. And his praises made them burst at the seams. Moaning out a string of curses and mumbled words. His name being the only clear thing. Your back arching and your eyes finally squeezing shut. Kylo came soon after you. Airy breaths and pants filling the room. His thrusts starting to die down, coming up from the crook of your neck to place a long kiss on your lips.

The room became silent.

You heard nothing. Opening your eyes and seeing how Kylo's hair was in your vision as he kissed your cheek. He felt it too. Each of you knew what was happening. This was the same feeling it would be like when you two connected with one another.

Your head being completely clear and open. For him.

You began to try and get something across to him. The first thing you felt.

Kylo felt you breach his mind. Hearing how your voice echoed in his head. He heard the words that you'd been dying to say.

"I love you."

You hadn't realized what you said before the connection broke. Torn apart and no longer being inside his mind.

You felt Kylo pull out from between your legs, emptiness in your heart and mind. His face was once again unreadable as it was the day he saved you. You scrambled to your elbows propping you up.

"I'm s-sorry Kylo, I-I." You began stuttering your words as you saw Kylo brought himself back to decency, not even acknowledging your words.

Tears lining your eyes seeing him give you a quick glance. Walking to the refresher, is back turned towards you. You let your back fall, touching the bed again. Bringing your legs together and your hands to your face. Feeling tears stream down your face. Soft pants of grief as your chest heaved.

You had ruined it. Neither of you even heard the words "I love you" in years.

It was the first thing that came to your mind when you thought of him. Felt him. Heard him. Saw him. You just wanted to make him proud. After weeks of trying to get him to connect with you, you had finally done it. But he wasn't proud of you. He blocked you out to the point you couldn't even read the expression on his face.

You were too busy lost in your own thoughts to notice the soft hand on your knee. Your hands trailing to your hair, messing up the braid Kylo had done. Your face glistening with salty tears.

Fingers prying your legs open, a warm towel wiping away the mess. You moved your elbows back, trying to get away from the feeling. Kylo grabbed the top of your thigh, preventing you from moving away from him.

Your cheeks red with disappointment.

The bed dipped, Kylo began to move closer up to you throwing the rag to the floor. His hands prying yours away from your face. Wiping your tears as you looked up at him. His thumbs collecting the trails of abandonment lining your cheeks.

"I love you too my pretty girl." His voice finally broke the sound of your quiet sobs.

His lips pressing against yours, dulling the sadness leaking out of you.

"And I'm very proud of you." He responded.

You could only reply with sitting up and latching your arms around him. Your face in the crook of his neck as you held him. His skin meeting your damp tears. He hadn't heard the phrase 'I love you' since you had last told him goodnight back at the Temple. He heard you purse out the words and it ruined him. Kylo's arms held you there for a few more seconds.

His mind traveled back to Chandrila. Everytime he looks at you he thinks of Chandrila. He thinks of all the things he tries so hard to make you forget.

"My angel," He purred, kissing your temple and seeing your messed up hair. "Do you want me to fix it?" He quietly asked.

Nodding your head against him.

Kylo turned you around in his lap, pulling the tie out of your hair, unweaving the braid and beginning again.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You laid in bed. Legs intertwined with his. Your fingers tracing along his chest as you were held in his embrace. Kylo's finger lining down the center of the braid.

"Kylo," You proposed again.

"Hm?" He hummed.

You nuzzled closer into his arms.

"Can you tell me about Nava? I don't know what happened there, but I keep hearing it," You asked. "Can you please tell me what happened?"

His breath hitched. Biting the inside of his lip as he questioned telling you the story.

"You don't remember any of it?"

You shook your head no.

"You really want to know what happened?"

You nodded your head yes.

Kylo let put a sigh, pulling you tight to him.

"Well, I was walking with you- you and Luca." He began.

You could've sworn you've heard that name before. But you could no longer remember.

"Who is that?" You asked him, cutting him off.

He trailed his hand from your braid to lay on your waist.

"Our son," Kylo let out. Your heart nearly twisted and your stomach dropped. How could you have forgotten something like that? "We were walking on this path in the woods behind our house. And Luca ran up in front of us. He was nearly three." Kylo slightly smiled.

Kylo never was one to tell stories, but he would always remember this day. You deserved to know. Your mind was trapped listening to him. Your emotions building up.

"We looked away for what only felt like a second and then we heard him yell for us. He-he uhm," Kylo began to stutter. "There were people that were taking him. We moved to Nava in hopes of them losing us. Everyone said our child was unattainable. Especially since we had him so young."

"How old were we?" You softly asked.

Trying so hard to remember.

"You were seventeen, I was eighteen. We were young and we didn't know what we were doing. We were too young to feel like we were running out of time. But it was your decision, and I had to respect that." Kylo said, you could hear the struggle in his voice.

Your hand was trailing circles on his chest. You still couldn't remember.

"What happened to him?"

He took a deep breath.

 _'You deserved to know.'_ He told himself.

"They took him. I-I remember you tried so hard to get to him," Kylo's eyes were glossy at the thought. "Uhm-uhm but we were too late."

And then it all hit you at once. The memories rushing back to you. Like it had just happened the day before. Seeing it all happen right before your eyes.

_You heard a child crying._

_Panicking on instinct, you stood up quickly from the ground, running towards the sound. You saw a small young boy. Hair dark and curly. He was being ripped away, grabbed by the wrist._

_His eyes connected with yours. Your heart shattered looking into them. You saw lost hope, you saw abandonment. He was a young kid, being abandoned. He was being taken away from you._

_"Mama!" You heard his voice cry out._

_You ran towards him. Strong hands grabbed your wrists, preventing you from reaching him. All you could do is watch him being ripped away from you, screaming out for you to help him. Tears streaming from his eyes as yours began to do the same._

_"Let go of me!" You yelled._

_Fighting against the strong hands holding you back from reaching him._

_You screamed against the pain you felt filling you. Falling to your knees._

_His small figure was fighting all he could, he didn't want you to leave him. Screaming out for each other, ripped away from one another._

You felt yourself beginning to fall again, fading away from the memories rushing back to you. You couldn't kill your past no matter how hard you tried.

"I-I remember it." You said.

Kylo pushed you close into his hold. Kissing the top of your head.

"It'll get better," He replied. His hand tracing circles on your back. Pulling you into a Force induced sleep. "It always does angel."

Falling asleep in his arms as he blinked away the tears in his eyes threatening to form. Kylo laid in bed a few minutes longer, just with you. When he held you, he felt the sorrow in your soul. He knew the thought of your lost son would be eating you away until the day you died.

He sat up a little bit, adjusting you in his arms. Raking his hands through the beginning of your hair and into the braid. Waking you from your sleep.

Your eyebrows furrowed in pain. Eyes squeezing shut at the sensation. Kylo was pulling the memory from you. You deserved to know, but he didn't think you deserved the suffering of remembering.

You began to writhe around in his hold as his parasitic fingers stripped you of the day on Nava. Pulping your memory and digging it from you. Groaning in pain.

Then it all stopped. Kylo pulled his hands from around you and put you back to sleep. The sounds of your pain were too much for him to continue. Taking your fragile body in his arms and letting you fall into him.

He let his head lay back on the pillow. Feeling your chest rise and fall.

"I love you." He whispered, kissing your head and trying his best to fall asleep, not bothering to eat dinner.  
  


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_I only wrote this so fast because I finally decided to break up with my boyfriend, and lol I do not miss his ass....lesson learned - men ain't shit... anyway, love u all thank you for reading :)) I have the next couple chapters set out so expect more frequent updates !! <3_  
_[ thursday the 7th ]_


	13. - éphémère

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝘀𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹, 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝘁." 𝗛𝗲 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗲𝗲𝘁𝗵. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- nsfw
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**thirteen** \- éphémère _( ephemeral )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Lolita - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "Don't you know?_  
_It's you that I adore_  
_Though I make the boys fall like dominoes"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

{ hi everyone !! Just wanted to say really quick I made a tiktok account > floraisxn,, I'll be posting aesthetics for each chapter, and even some videos about what to expect in the next chapter/ further for this book !! I'd love if you could check it out !! Love you guys <3 stay safe and don't vote for trump !! }  
  


**_You woke up from a deep sleep._ ** _Quickly sitting up in bed, the light shining through the window. Your head was pulsing. Groaning in pain as your eyes fluttered from the brightness of the sun._

_"Kylo?" You softly asked, pressing down on the spot next to you. But you felt nothing. Nothing but a cold and empty spot in bed._

_Looking around for him, you repeated his name._

_You harshly shut your eyes. Pain rummaging in your head. You remember seeing the sunset. Burning in pinks and reds. Feeling the way Kylo held you and then it all seemed to blur together._

_"Kylo?" You said once more._

_You couldn't find him anywhere in the room._

_Stepping out of bed and feeling the cold ground touch your feet._

_'Why do my legs hurt so bad?'_

_Only wearing a long sleeve undershirt of Kylo's. You walked from the room, down the hallway. Slightly limping from the faint soreness of your legs._

_He was always in the study reading._

_Watching as the doors slid open, showcasing your Supreme Leader sitting on the couch that was set before the window, reading a book. Something no one but you were lucky enough to see._

_"Kylo." You softly said sliding your feet as you walked over to him._

_He turned around seeing you with your hands wrapped around your waist and your brows furrowed in pain._

_"What's wrong angel?" He questioned, placing the book to the side and opening his arms as you sat down on his lap; falling into his grasp as you curled up on him._

_"What happened last night? My head hurts so bad." You groaned._

_Kylo wrapped an arm around you while the other one brushed the loose hair from your face._

_"You started to feel sick again, you fell asleep early." He_ **_lied_ ** _._

_~~~_

It was an early morning. You were sitting on the ground in the study working on the trim of another dress. Being mindful of sewing needle. Passing time as your Emperor had soon lost his gentle touch with you.

Doing anything you could to stay out of Kylo's way. You could tell that the stress of this mission was beginning to eat away at him. And he was beginning to take it out on you.

He'll occasionally do something kind for you, but it never lasts long anymore. Often in the last couple of days, you had just tried to be mindful of it; and then on other occasions you found it beyond funny to irritate him.

He yelled at you last night during dinner. All you had done was ask what he would have wanted you to do while he was away. He snapped back at you with the phrase, 'I don't care what you do, just don't get in my way!'

You didn't let it get to you, he was known for being evil and vile. You were lucky he had even been showing you gratitude, something you had to often tell yourself. Even though he wasn't always the best man, he was perfect to you. You'd miss him and there was no denying that.

You dropped the sewing needle back on the desk, standing from the ground to admire your new dress. You stripped yourself of your current gown and put the different one on. Adjusting the straps around you and feeling how open it was.

"Oh, Kylo's going to hate it." You smiled to yourself looking in the mirror.

Any outfit you wore fit your curves. You looked gorgeous and stunning. And this dress showcased you perfectly.

_(LOL sorry for putting outfits in I just love this type of couture)_

Your faint hickeys and bite marks still lightly showing.

Walking through the main halls of Starkiller, staff bowing their heads and moving out of the way as you passed them. Standing tall and prevailing the lives of thousands. They watched in fear as you made your way to the docking bay. Out to find your Emperor.

The large doors sliding open as you enter. Generals, Stormtroopers, and engineers eyeing between you and the soon to be boarded Command Shuttle. You were met in front of the lowered entrance of the ship. Stormtroopers standing on either side. Nodding their heads to you as you enplaned the entrance.

Kylo was near the control console, getting things prepared to leave. He heard your heels clacking against the durasteel.

"Yes?" His voice was contorted from the mask.

You walked up behind him, placing your hand on his arm. Sitting on the edge of the control board so he could get a better view.

"I just wanted to see you before you left." You smiled.

You could feel his glare through the visor of his mask as he looked over at you.

"What are you wearing?" He asked.

The anger in his voice was small but you loved seeing how far you could push him over the edge. It was one of the ways to pass time on this boring planet. You hopped off of the control console, leaning your forearms against it now. Bending forward at your waist.

"You don't like it? I made it just for you." You smiled leaning in farther to press your cleavage together.

Kylo grabbed your arm and pulled you up, looking out the Command Shuttles window and seeing a small number of men gawking on at the sight; immediately turning away the second he had viewed out the front.

Now he was angry. But he wasn't quite there yet for you. A dangerous game that only you ever loved to play.

You gave him a small laugh that paired with your smile as he pulled you up. Leaning away from him until he let you go.

People expected your relationship to be a fight for dominance, filled with violence and hatred. But Kylo didn't want them to think he hurt you. Instilling the true power of his being into them. Making them think he was strong enough to get you to the point you two didn't need to fight. Not physically at least.

"But I stayed up all night making it for you." You pouted.

Sauntering back near the window. Gazing out and seeing how men still had yet to train their eyes to avoid gaping at you. Watching them scramble back to reality when either of you looked back.

You laughed watching them quickly face away. "You know what's so funny?" Turning back to your brooding Emperor. "All your men want to fuck me right now. I mean- doesn't that just make you wonder what could happen while you're away?" You teased.

"Are you trying to irritate me?"

You tilted your head in false confusion.

"Now why would I do a thing like that Supreme Leader?"

As your soft voice pursed those words of sarcasm, Kylo tightly grasped a hold of your ring choker you had on. Looping his finger in the center of the cold metal and pulling you forward.

"Because I know what a little slut you are for me," He replied. You went with his tug and looked to find his eyes beyond the mask- feeling a connection and knowing you had found them. "It's like you've lost your mind for me isn't it?" He taunted. Your smile fell with his provoking.

You didn't talk about his parents, and he doesn't talk about what he's caused you.

Trying to pull away from his hold you were quickly stopped with his finger still in the loop of your necklace. This time he had won that sickening game. Kylo pushed you over the edge before you had managed to.

"No no pretty girl," He said, pulling your face to look back up at him. "This is what you wanted, you wanted to taunt and tease me. A mind is a terrible thing to waste yet here you are."

You glared at him and his relentless mocking. Slightly smirking as an idea shot up your spine and to your head. There was always a way to piss him off even more than he already was.

Bringing your fingers to the back of your neck, beginning to untie the knot tying the dress up. Kylo saw what you were doing and he tightened his grip to your throat. Spinning you around away from the window. You slightly laughed as he did, only angering him more.

Your back hit the durasteel beam on the wall. A thud echoing all throughout the ship.

"What do you think you're doing?" Kylo growled.

"If you don't like the dress, I'll just take it off."

His hand quickly left your neck, only to help take his mask off. Pulling it over his head as his long hair fell into view. Dropping it and making the Command Shuttles walls echo with an even louder thud.

The two Stormtroopers looked back to see your throat in a tight grip, pressed against the wall while the Supreme Leader towered over you. Each of them turned away as quickly as they could. Everyone would be lying if they said they didn't see why Kylo had chosen you as his accomplice. And that dress certainly showed off even more reasoning.

You and Kylo looked deep into one another's eyes as he pressed his leg between your legs. His gloved hand prodding at your neck. You felt that burning rage of want form between your thighs. 

Of course you loved it when he was gentle, but there was something about that deadly grip of his that sent you over the edge better and farther than anything. The thought of getting a lethal killer fall weak for you, that was something.

"Give it to me." You angelically pleaded.

Your lips turning into a small smile after you said those dangerous words. Kylo tilted his head.

"You sure you want that pretty girl?"

You nodded your head with a glimmer in your eye. "Please."

Kylo let go of your neck, walking over and closing the boarding dock of the ship. You smiled to yourself as butterflies started rushing to your chest. Biting your lip in anticipation as he made his way back towards you.

You knew if there was one thing Kylo could never say no to, it was you.

He towered over you for a second, running his hand through your hair as you leaned into his touch. Kylo slightly tilted his head watching in infatuation as you melted under his touch. Your eyes closed focusing on how his gloved fingers felt brushing against you.

You were met in a heated kiss. His fingers curling around your hair and gripping the exposed skin of your waist. Each of your lips glistening with want and need. Plump and burning red as you kissed one another.

Kylo's fingers dug deeper in your hair, pulling you away from him and pushing you around to face the wall. A surge of pain rushing through your skin that was smashed to the durasteel.

_'How do I always end up like this?'_

He pushed himself close to you. Feeling how much he really wanted you. His hand gripping your wrists behind your back as his other one was placed on the wall next to your head. Kylo's hair tickling your face as he came close to you.

"Because I know how much my naughty girl likes it." He replied.

Your breath hitched hearing his voice.

Deep and coarse. Filled with dominance and temptation. His venom coated tongue spat words that made you melt at their dangerous touch.

Kylo's thigh prodded in between your legs, his chest pressing against your shoulders.

He moved his fingers slightly through your hair to reveal your face to him. Placing a soft kiss on your temple.

"Isn't that right?" He growled.

You nodded your head yes, pulling the skin of your lip in between your teeth.

Not even ten minutes ago had you been teasing and taunting him. Wanting to anger him, but there was heroin in his touch that was so easy to get addicted to. Craving it. Waiting until the next time you could shoot it through your veins. Every beat of his cocaine heart and drug pulsed veins, every touch of his poisonous mouth and lethality that ran through his head.

Kylo pulled your hair back, arching your neck to look at him. Making it more noticeable when you took a harsh swallow.

"You know better than to not answer me little girl, say it." He gritted through clamped teeth.

You swallowed another gulp of tempting covet.

"Y-Yes Supreme Leader, you're right."

He lightly laughed at your vulnerability.

Kylo let go of your hair, grabbing your waist and pulling you back into his chest. Completely flush against him as he forcefully held you.

He walked until you were in view of the window. You stumbled trying to follow his strides. His other gloved hand trailed up your neck from behind you. Sticking his fingers in your mouth, dragging down your jaw until you were practically gagging on his leather gloves.

"You see all of them?" He asked more feral and needy than last time.

He was motioning to everyone outside of the Command Shuttles aperture. Looking out and seeing the men that were once staring at you, working on a ship. The men that had wished to have you where Kylo did.

"Y-ye-" You tried to get out, choking on his fingers in your mouth. Running your tongue to the back of your throat and feeling as the drool started to form at the corners of your lips.

"Do you think they deserve you?"

You shook your head and uttered a faint and disoriented- "No."

Kylo pushes his fingers farther down your throat, a gag coming from you as he did. His gloves covered in your saliva. You winced as he did, squirming in his hold. When you did, you could prominently feel his hard erection prod against your lower back, even through all the layers of robes.

Spit started to glisten on your skin and your tongue was being pressed down by his fingers.

"Then why do you tease them?" He asked, leaning his head down closer to you. Seeing how you began to fidget in his hold. His fingers only push farther back and grip harsher at your skin. "You're such a naughty little angel."

You were burning in desire. Only coming alive for him. You leaned back into him, your backside pushing against his thighs.

"You want to remind everyone of who you belong to? Is that what you want?" Kylo asked, anger and need in the underlying tone of his honeyed voice.

You nodded your head quickly, no longer being able to make out words as his fingers were so deep in your mouth. Your hand wraps around his, only leaning farther into his chest. Pressing your legs together in hopes of getting you closer to where you needed.

"Of course you do."

Kylo turned you around and ripped down the side of the skirt. Pulling the ribbons keeping the straps tied and yanking in off of you. Doing the same with the top you were toying with earlier. Completely naked and exposed for him, and I guess anyone who now dared to look through that deep red window.

He placed a hand on the small of your back and the top of your thigh, lifting you into his arms as you wrapped your legs around his waist.

Goosebumps pricking your skin and blanketing over you. You laced your arms over his neck, hastily pushing your lips to his. Feeling how he replied with the same neediness. The sensation of his warmth slowly making the bumps fade.

You were felt once more with a thud of the durasteel on your back. Your head falling back to meet the wall as his hand wrapped your neck. Parting from his lips.

His thumb moving your jaw up, tilting to the side as he saw the bruise already forming from how harsh he had been holding you lately. His finger looping in the ring of your choker, pulling you to him. Only millimeters away from his lips touching yours.

"You're so needy aren't you?" He said.

You looked down to his lips, and back up to him.

"Only for you I am."

Kylo pushes your lips to his in a frenzied kiss. Keeping his hand on your neck, your fingers trailing up to his hair.

He adjusts you around his waist. Lifting you up a little bit and slamming you back against the wall. Taking his erection in his hand, the burning desire between your thighs begging to be filled. 

"Is this what you want, pretty girl?"

You eagerly nodded your head.

"Yes please." You whined.

Kylo took you back around his waist, sinking his cock into you all at once. Your eyes squeezed shut and your nails dug into him at the feeling.

"Oh, _Kylo_." You moaned feeling your heart race.

Every bit of you felt like it was being filled to the brim. Your neck in a tight grip, barely managing to get air through. He was always so rough, demanding, and he never slowed down for you to even get used to his size.

"Such a good little girl for me." He cooed seeing your body react to his thickness.

Your mouth falling open, your nails digging in his hair, chest heaving.

His hands delve into your skin, pushing between your legs with anger and covet. Splitting you in two. Angelic moans arising from your restrained neck with every thrust he gave.

Kylo fucking you harder than he ever has before, the pain and pleasure mixing together to the point you almost felt numb. Spit glistening down the side of your face, tears welting in your eyes. 

He pulled out of you, lifting your waist and drilling back into you as you screamed out his name, biting your tongue and shutting your eyes, the forming tear falling.

Kylo gripped your face, pulling you up to look at him. Your saliva still on his glove from earlier.

He turned your head until you were gazing out the window. Seeing the men you had been taunting along with Kylo.

"You think they can fuck you like I can, angel?" He calmly said, ramming into you harder and harder.

You moaned and whined, eyelashes fluttering and trying their best to stay open.

"Answer me!" He yelled at you,

"No, no," You panted.

Your face was released from his grip, your head falling back to the wall as your back arched. Legs nearly shaking in pain.

You mewled feeling Kylo's teeth sink into your shoulder. Bringing your head from the wall and leaning forward on to him. His tongue tracing over the deep red bite mark, making your skin burning raw.

"Who do you belong to?" Kylo growled.

Your head was nearly spinning from all of the different sensations.

"Y-You!" You moaned out.

Feeling Kylo's lips softly form into a smile against your skin. Kissing and sucking on your neck and collarbone. Your body was glistening with sweat and his hair became slightly damp.

The air around you becomes humid.

"Ky-K-" You tried to plead, only paused with another heavy moan as he bit closer to the base of your neck.

"Please!" You whined out, your toes curling and body aching for release.

Kylo brought his face up from the crook of your neck, placing his thumb on your bottom lip making you look at him.

"Beg for it."

"Kylo please! P-Please harder!" You whined out, tears slipping from your eyes.

He pounded into you harder, groaning in pleasure as you called out for him.

"Louder." He demanded.

Your chest was heaving and already begging for him.

"Please Kylo- I need you! Please let me cum!" You yelled through panting lips.

Your legs tightened around him, your fingers twisting around his hair as you came around his cock deep inside you. Moaning out any curse you could get out. Euphoria washing over you, feeling like you couldn't breath as it hit you at once.

Kylo groaned, filling you with his hot cum as you held on to him.

"Good, good girl." He purred and kissed you.

Feeling the blood rush back to you when Kylo released you of his death grips. Setting you back on the ground. The skin on the underside of your thighs was burning red and raw. Your shoulders and neck shimmering and glistening with blood and spit. Your face flustered.

He held onto you until you found your balance, still letting out small whines with each of your breaths.

You could tell by the way Kylo was quickly redressing himself, that it was time for you to go. But you looked to the ground to see your dress just once again in scrap pieces of fabric. Letting out an irritated whine, motioning to your gown.

_'He always tears them apart.'_

Kylo took his cape off, draping it over your shoulder and kissing the top of your head.

"That's because I hated that one." He said, picking up the pile of fabric.

You slowly blinked up to him, still trapped in your euphoric daze.

"Bu-But," You protested.

"I know, I know." He interrupted, pressing the same button as the boarding dock lowered.

"I'll see you when I get back angel," He said kissing your lips. "Be a good girl okay?"

You nodded your head, letting him take you in his hold one more time before he left. You pointed on your tippy-toes giving him one more kiss before trying your best to walk steadily out of the ship.

"Ap'lek and Kuruk will be up in our quarters shortly to watch out for you." He said as you took your first step off of the dock.

"What?" You loudly yelled, turning around and seeing Kylo place his helmet back on.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"Oh my Gods!" You yelled with your back flush with the bed. "Go! Away!" You sat up looking at Kylo's two Knights standing in your room.

They stood firm and lifeless. Ignoring your antics. You pulled your shoes off, throwing them at the taller one with the large executioner ax. They hit him, and on instinct he pointed his weapon at you, warning you not to do it again.

You stayed still when he tried to make you flinch. Waiting for a beat and then, "Ah!" You exaggerated falling back to the bed.

You rolled your eyes and stepped off the bed.

"You can't scare me with that thing," You teased walking up to Ap'lek, poking at the large weapon. "I punked your ass last time I saw you." You reminded him.

His Knights repositioned around you. Your arms fell to your side, groaning in annoyance at their constant attempts to intrigue you.

"Ugh," You faintly said looking between them. "Okay so, you two stay here," You paused pointing to them. "I'll be in the study."

You took a few steps and then heard their boots behind you.

"I'm sorry Empress but Master Ren has ordered us to accompany you." A deep modified voice said.

You turned around and saw the two towering men. Kuruk was the pilot and riflemen of the six. Ap'lek was the deceptive one, employing feints and misdirection into his prey. But to you, they were just another pair of idiots.

"But I don't need you," You walked up to them. Pushing apart their shoulders and walking to the closet, "I'm stronger than all my men," Opening the closet doors, hearing it shut behind you, draping your hands through Kylo's clothes on his side. "Except for you." You sighed under your breath.

You changed from your sweatpants and one of his sweaters and into a long sleeve dress, putting on some boots and a crystal choker. Raking your fingers through his collection of capes and picking one, covering yourself in its long length.

Opening the door from the closet and seeing both of the Knights still standing in your room, you seemed to have interrupted a conversation they were having. Both of them averting their gaze to you. Although, you couldn't see it through their masks. You could feel it.

"Can you please at least stay here?" You asked leaning against the doorway.

"We were ordered to stay with you and protect you." Ap'lek said.

You rolled your eyes once more. Why hadn't Kylo trusted you yet?

"You could at least look a bit more comforting if I'm going to be forced to stay with you for a week. You both look like death and- and like- creepy. And besides, Kylo was well aware that you two can't protect me." You scoffed taking a step down and out of the closet.

They stood quiet.

A smile forming on your face. Your worst ideas came to you when you were bored. Looking between them, the energy in the room shifts.

Truly the mind of a child when you found nothing better to do.

You ran from the doorway, between the two of them and out the doors of your quarter. Slightly laughing to yourself as your heels nearly tipped as you ran on them. Sliding on the base of them, wrapping your fingers around the door of the study and running in the room. Looking around for a place to hide, the only decent place you could think of; under the large skirt of your dress you were working on.

Pulling the deep red fabric over you and pulling the cape in under the skirt. You hadn't had this much fun since you teased Kylo about his high-waisted pants.

You heard them rush in the room.

"Are you sure she went in here?" A deep voice said.

"Yes! She _said_ she was going to the study!" The other voice yelled back.

You held in a laugh at their bickering.

"Empress!"

The Knights were aimlessly looking around the seemingly empty room. Seeing nothing but bookcases and paintings lining the walls, empty desks and painting easels, and dress bodies cloaking elegant gowns.

"She's not in here, let's check in the dining hall." One of them offered.

A cathodic sigh and you heard the shifting of their boots. Opening the door and walking out.

"You're going to be the one to tell Ren you lost the Empress of The First Order." The other one replied as their voices faded the farther they walked.

Smiling to yourself after hearing how they bickered like teenage boys.

"Idiots." You mumbled to yourself.

Coming out from under the deep red fabric, running to the door and then down the hall. Impatiently waiting for the elevator and entering. Hitting the button that took you to the ground level. Lingering around as you finally made it to the floor.

Pulling the hood of Kylo's cape over your head, walking down the hall and out of the side door you first walked through when you had arrived on Starkiller.

You sighed immediately feeling the cold air bite at your exposed skin.

Gods you hate this frigid planet.

Your leather boots crunching the white snow under them as you stepped into the woods ahead of you. Of course you despised the cold, but finally getting a sense of fresh air felt amazing. Being able to touch life other than just Kylo.

Keeping an eye out for plants that thrived in the winter.

Walking deeper into the woods, not losing sight of the palace. You saw a bundle of purple and green. Trudging through the snow and holding your hands out to somewhat keep balance as you stumbled over sticks and piles of fallen trees.

Kneeling down and touching the leaves of the plant you had found. Catmint, it was a more persistent and durable version of Lavender.

You picked a few of them and placed them in the pockets of your dress. Being sure to be extra careful with the stunning purple flower.

It felt amazing to see flowers again.

Standing back up and adjusting your cape, looking out into the woods and seeing how gorgeous the snow looked falling from the trees as animals ran around on their branches high in the sky.

Walking in deeper.

You had zoned out for what felt like ten minutes until your attention had been brought. Nearly stepping on the white flower below you.

Leaning down once more and seeing one of your favorite plants. Smiling and admiring its beauty.

Lily of the Valley. It looked so delicate and fragile with its bell-cap petals and curved stems. But it held poisons inside. It leads to death if eaten, but could be cradled in the hands of a child.

_Something that was only dangerous if not taken care of properly._

It was also titled May Lily. It means "return to happiness" and most often symbolizes chastity, purity, happiness, luck and humility.

You picked the base of the stem, gathering a few of them and placing them snug in the other pocket.

Rather than standing back up, you sat down. Your legs shifting to the side as you leaned down to smell the flowers.

Tracing your hand up the stem.

You loved these flowers. Knew so much about them, held them so close to you. But yet, you couldn't remember why. Why couldn't you remember.

You bit the inside of your lip, taking your leather gloves off. Cold air blanketing your skin. The sun shining down on you through the opening of trees above you.

Lily of the Valleys only bloomed in the sunlight. Wondering to yourself if this was the only place they borned on this whole planet. Only for you to nearly step on them.

Something so special and so fragile, could be ended in a matter of seconds. It doesn't matter how much you love them or care for them, if you never knew they were there in the first place. Only becoming another stick or pile of shrubbery you saw all the time. Never knowing their true importance. Never taking another second to wonder what they meant.

Lilies symbolize that the soul of the departed has received restored innocence after death. But you never found your departed soul.

"Empress," A deep voice rumbled. Breaking your thought.

You flinched in shock at the sound. Quickly standing up and nearly tripping on cape. A pair of hands holding you from falling into the snow.

Looking at the person holding you and seeing Ap'lek. You looked back down, ripping your arm from him and biting your cheek.

"I don't want to go back." You harshly said.

Starting your walk back into the woods. You heard boots following behind you.

"You do not have to, but I can't leave you unaccompanied." He replied.

You turned back around.

"I wasn't asking," You snarled. "And don't step on those." You said pointing to the bed of flowers.

He moved around them and met up with you. Beside you. Walking in silence.

You could only go so far before saying something again.

"Your mask is really creepy." You blankly said not even looking over at him.

You heard nothing.

Groaning in the brattiest way you could. "Could you at least try to be human. I'd be much easier to deal with if you even _acted_ human."

Stopping in your tracks and looking over at him. He was almost as tall as Kylo.

"Empress, it isn't my job to be human. I'm here to protect you." He replied.

"Please," you exaggerated. "You would make this so much easier if I started to like you." You laughed.

The Knight had a reverberated sigh.

"Well then what would you like to talk about then?" He asked, attitude in his voice almost matching yours.

"What's it like being such a suck ass?" You answered with a smile on your face.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You spent the rest of the walk doing the best you could to annoy the Knight. Going on and on about plants and once you saw that didn't work you started asking him a bunch of questions. Ranging from, what's your favorite color, to, if his name was really even Ap'lek. By the time you started discussing your sex life with Kylo, he decided to tune you out.

You were now laying in bed, your back turned to the window. Sleeping in Kylo's spot rather than yours. You took the flowers you collected and put them in a vase on his nightstand. Sighing as you missed him.

But you knew what you had to do.

"Kuruk," You groaned.

The two Knights were scheduled to stay with you on opposite nights. Giving Ap'lek a break from your annoyance. You heard him shift from his position on the couch in your side room. Walking to the foot of the bed waiting for your next sentence.

You sat up in bed, pulling the covers up over you even more.

"I can't sleep, would you mind handing me that book over there." You kindly asked.

He looked over to the desk across the room, walking over to grab the reptile skin book.

You had an outstretched arm. Pulling the Knight into a deep sleep as he fell to the ground.

Laughing to yourself at how easy this all was.

"It's not even fun anymore- not even fun." You mumbled to yourself.

You got out of bed, walking into your closet and dressing in a deep red dress, pulling on another one of Kylo's capes. Sighing as you were still insanely tired, but if you were going to do it, it had to be now.

Grabbing a bag you had tucked away, and carrying it with you as you stepped over the Knight, making your way to the boarding dock.

Staff once again moved out of your way as you stepped past them.

"Prepare my ship." You ordered to the Generals.

There was a new fire burning in your bones. One with determination.

"I'm sorry Empress but," One General began, stepping forward as you looked down at her. "We can't let you go anywhere without the Supreme Leaders permission." She had a smug look on her face as she looked you up and down.

Her glance being stuck on your neck covered in hickeys and bite marks, face scrunching in disgust.

You bore an irritable smile. Your husband had told you about this one. She was the one always questioning you in meetings, annoying Kylo. Getting too close to Kylo.

"General Thiers, my Emperor has given me no restrictions, I will be preparing my ship now." You replied with a smile on your face as you walked to your Command Shuttle.

You had not had time to waste. And she was clocking your seconds as if her life depended on it. You knew if your husband was here, you could have already been boarded. But he wasn't, and thankfully the two of you shared common similarities in dominance.

"We cannot let you while the Supreme Leader is not here." She followed you. Her tone was becoming angry.

"Why would he give me my own ship if I was not to use it? It really seems a waste." You pouted, as your boarding dock lowered, the General still behind you.

"Lady Ren, we will not let you leave. Without a direct order from-"

"The Supreme Leader yeah I've gotten that far, I don't care I have somewhere to go." You cut her off.

"Empress!" She yelled. "You will not be leaving Starkiller-"

You had yet again, an outstretched arm as the General lurched forward, Her feet dragging against the ground as she was raised above you.

"General, I'm afraid you are forgetting who I am," You smiled. "Your Supreme Leader and I are two that are one. Any power he holds, I hold. I suggest you listen to my orders," Dropping her to the ground as she gasped for air, "For your own sake." You spat at her.

She looked back up to you. Hatred spewing from her.

 _'How did she even become Empress?'_ You could hear her scoff in her mind.

Your heels clacking on the hard floor until you were met above her. Leaning down.

"I fucked my way up to the top."

Looking into her mind and seeing her dreams and wishes of being where you stood. It was her own fault confusing a simple glance of Kylo's for a glance of adoration. She despised you. She wanted him. She deserved to be with him! Had she loved him? Oh my Gods she loved him!

Kylo was yours. And the rage in you was growing even stronger. Temper tantrums only being another trait you and him shared. Hot-headedness was apparently a quality that tagged along with the Force.

"Kylo Ren is mine. And I am his, you hold no significance to him. You should be thankful I remind you of your place," Rooting your fingers and filling her mind with visions of moments you had shared with Kylo. Her eyebrows curving in pain, "What a shame you'll never be able to feel all those thoughts for yourself. I'm living your dream, and I'll continue living it." Your hand pulling from around her head.

Standing back up and seeing how the night shift workers looked on in fear at you. Smiling as you turned back to your ship.

Preparing things to leave. Sitting in the pilot seat, and beginning your journey. Long and awaited.

To Etheiphus.  
  


｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Soooooo I have an idea in mind for a modern day Kylo book, it would mostly be smut based and I just wanted to know if you guys were interested at all? It's called Touch Sensitive and is still in the drafts but I have the storyline all planned out :))_  
_Thank you so much for making it this far !! I love u <3_  
_[ Wednesday the 13th - 1:50 am ]_


	14. - étoile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗲𝗿." 𝗛𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗱. "𝗦𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝗱𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗮𝗹𝗮𝘅𝘆 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼. 𝗚𝗲𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸!" ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- slight gore (its not a lot i just never know when enough is enough to say its enough yk?)  
> \- nsfw  
> \- virginity loss
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**fourteen** \- étoile _( star )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_24 - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "There's only 24 hours in a day_  
_And half of those, you lay awake_  
_With thoughts of murder and carnage"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

_⁰₁₄_

**Kylo watched her as she walked back to their quarters.** A slight smile on her face as she bickered with him for only seconds about having his Knights watch after her. The smile that nearly made him melt.

He didn't want to leave his angel, but he didn't want to put her in danger.

He knew how strong she was, but not with the mentality she had now. Only being able to open that wall up inside her head when she was vulnerable under Kylo's weight. Which wasn't an ideal circumstance when it came to war.

She hadn't even remembered that she managed to connect with him and get something through to Kylo that night.

He pulled that from her memory and a part of him regretted it. He knew it was for the better. Kylo lived everyday with the memory of his deceased son and it tore him when he thought of it. He couldn't imagine the damage it would do to her.

He didn't have time for her training to be set back at that thought. He needed her ready for the next pursuit after this one.

This mission was something The First Order had been preparing for for a while. To find the map to Luke Skywalker.

Kylo saw him as the man that ruined everything he could have had. Of course, he knew it wasn't all his fault. But that thought angered him beyond belief.

He wanted to find this man, and kill him dead. Ending the Jedi. Only leaving him and his Empress to hold that kind of power. The only two that deserved it.

Continuing their bloodline, being born into the Sith. Born into darkness with parents that held raw and untamed power. With them together, their children would become no doubt the most powerful of all.

Kylo was soon met on The Finalizer. Being bombarded by Generals and staff. They found it confusing when his wife was nowhere to be seen.

The workers on the ship were more used to Kylo and knew to an extent of what angered him and what not. They came close to the line, but never crossed it.

The staff on Starkiller was a bit more, _juvenile_ to put it that way. Hire ranking members and workers found themselves placed on The Finalizer. Kylo would be spending much more time on the large ship if it wasn't for his Empresses constant need of fresh air.

He still couldn't believe she was an Empress. _His_ Empress. How deranged she had become throughout the years.

He still knew her as the young girl who overwatered plants because she never knew when to stop giving.

She was the way she was because of him.

He knew that. He knew how much he broke her that night. But she never knew what he saw.

~~~

_The night was cold. Rain and mist mixed with the soft air. He missed the warmth that her body gave him._

_He had turned around in aggression and in terror when he felt someone touch his shoulder. The hum of his lightsaber clashing and burning when it hit something. Hearing the rain hitting the ground, the crack of thunder, the whirring of his lightsaber. But there was one sound above all that mortified him._

_She fell back from him with a painful scream. The kind that burns your throat raw._

_His eyes wide as he saw her on the stone ground, holding onto the side of her face as blood began to seep through her fingers. Fear glazed over her eyes in a horrifying shade of blue. Anger glazed over his. Burning red and clouding his vision._

_'What have I done? What have I become?'_

_He was infuriated at himself. He didn't want to hurt her ever again._

_"You need to get away!" He screamed._

_His heart breaking upon seeing how she cowarded back at his volume. She was scared of him for the first time in her life._

_"But-but I don't want to Be-" She began to say._

_Her lips quivered as she even struggled to keep herself propped up. She was in pain because of him._

_"Get away! Get out!" He yelled in hopes of her staying away from him._

_He needed to get her away from him. He needed to keep her from danger. From a monster._

_She didn't move._

_"I don't need you! You're nothing! Leave!"_

_Those words breaking both of their hearts. Shattering them. He just let everything go. His past, his life, his love. He knew what he had become._

_~~~_

The finale night he was Ben, he had ruined everything he loved. When he thought of Ben, he heard her blood-curdling scream, he saw her broken heart, he felt the thickness of the air. And he never wanted to be reminded of who Ben was ever again. All because he saw the pain in her eyes when he thought of his past.

He had to let the past die.

Because he could no longer bear another night seeing the image of her suffering body in his nightmares. It pained him to the point he has stayed up for days on end.

_He loved her. And he ruined her._

He loves the fact she would trust a murderer to cradle her in his hands. To feather her fragile body in kisses. His hands scarred of death and destruction and yet she completely trusted them. Kylo only thought of it as her once common phrase, _What's the worst that can happen to a girl that's already hurt?_

She always used to tease him with that phrase on Chandrila. Whenever she got into trouble or was caught sneaking around, Kylo would go and get her out of whatever mess she found herself in. And all she would reply with was a smile on her face and those words, _What's the worst that can happen to a girl that's already hurt._

Little did she know, there's so much that can happen to a girl as fragile and dainty as her.

He remembers how happy she used to be.

Day by day, she was moving beyond the borders of the walls she built up. Stepping into the fullness of what it meant to merely _be_ , find joy, peace, and rest right where she was. To simply exist.

Content and happy. With lips as soft as the flower petals she took care of. A heart as lively as the garden she tended. And a mind as smart as all the people she found herself coming across. Learning something new every chance she got.

Full of curiosity and hope.

Kylo went to the command center of the ship with General Hux behind him. How he wished it was anyway but Hux. He began talking to him and as if on instinct, Kylo gazed off, tuning out the General looking out the window of The Finalizer. Staring into the stars. 

He thought back to one of his favorite memories.

_~~~_

_"Ben come on!" She laughed running through the clear water stream._

_The night was late. The moon shining down was the only light for miles ahead. Every now and then fireflies would flicker._

_Ben was persistent on waiting at the edge of the river._

_The air was hot and humid. A gust of wind giving the coolness their skin desired. A breath of fresh summer air followed its path. A sweet smell would fill their senses as it picked up the pollen of the flowers nearby._

_She groaned at him. Her knees engulfed by the cold water. Her light blue dress turned sheer._

_"Ben," She smiled, "Come! On! I promise you're not going to melt." She started walking over towards him. Trudging through the water holding her shoes in hand._

_Ben backed up from the edge of the stream._

_But not soon enough before she grabbed his wrist._

_"No no no," He laughed._

_"You're so stubborn sometimes!" She threw her shoes to the side and used both hands to hold on to him._

_Each of them knew how much stronger he was than her, but he wouldn't dare defy her._

_In one harsh tug, Ben tripped and fell on top of her. Both of them falling into the cold stream. He was pressing his weight on her as they went down._

_Once he had grasped what just happened, he pulled her up. Completely soaking wet from head to toe._

_The humid summer air turned freezing once the wind blew their way._

_She gasped for air when he pulled her up, her eyes shut tight. Ben panicked and worried that he had hurt her._

_"Holy," She wheezed, "Shit!" She yelled, grabbing onto his shoulders._

_Ben was holding her by the edge of the stream where it was still shallow enough to not be engulfed by the water. She pushed her hair back laughing at what had just happened._

_"Are you okay?" He asked._

_She nodded her head with a smile still on her face. The moonlight seemed to glow even brighter on them. Casting its shine for them._

_"I promised that you wouldn't melt." She teased rolling her eyes._

_Ben couldn't even continue to be upset at her teasing. Looking down at her in what felt like the happiest he's ever been._

_It was at that moment he told himself this is where he wanted to be._

_This was where that war started. And it didn't begin as a war. It was almost a look of admiration. Desire? Joy? Ben didn't know what to call it. He's never felt this before._

_They started into eachothers eyes. He was holding her, she was laying in his arms. Although they never said it to each other, they both knew. They knew what this had become._

_Ben leaned down to her as she leaned up to him. An awaited kiss._

_Soft lips pressing against each other. When he kissed her, he finally felt like he was completed. As if all his life he was waiting for the person that would bring him this much happiness._

_And when they pulled away. Looking back into each other's eyes as a smile formed on both of their faces. He knew what to call it._

_Love._

_Ben leaned back down, pushing her to him as their lips collided again. His hand trailing up behind her neck, gripping her wet hair softly. Intertwined with his fingers as he moved farther up to the edge of the stream._

_Once they made it back to the ground, she couldn't help but hold on to his hair, using her hand on his shoulder to push him back. Leaning down against the ground as she moved up on him._

_Her wet baby blue dress was see through where it hugged her skin. Ben could barely believe what he saw. She was gorgeous. Heaven was a place on Chandrila with her. She looked so dainty and powerful._

_Hair soaking wet as a few strands fell in front of her face. Baby blue, such a pure color, hugging to her skin. So soft and fragile for him. Yet she was on top of him. Powering over him. Pushing him back and climbing on top of him._

_So strong-willed and sinless. She was an angel._

_Her legs straddled him, bringing her lips off of his. Wrapping her arms around her dress, digging her fingers into the fabric as she pulled the wet material over her head. Completely nude for him then and there. A silver necklace with a pearl in the middle of it was the only thing left on her._

_Ben watched in amazement. He wanted her like he's never wanted anything before. Her body glistened and shimmering in the pale moonlight as the droplets of water seeped out of her hair and to her soft skin._

_He brought his hand to her thighs, trailing them farther and farther up. Up to heaven. The water collects on his hands. Her hands grabbed his, pulling them to meet her breasts as she leaned down for him._

_Kissing down his jaw and neck. The sweet taste of the streams water lingering on his skin._

_Ben was completely vulnerable for her as she started to undo the buttons of his beige shirt. He was fidgeting under her. Feeling as she pushed down on him. Right on the spot he needed most._

_She was growing needy too. His hands roaming along her damp skin. Moving along his waist as that desirable feeling crept up on her._

_She quickly pulled his shirt off of him. Ben leaned up from the ground as she did. He gripped her thighs, bringing her up to the bottom of his chest. He could feel how hot and needy she was for him once her bare skin touched his._

_He began to undo his pants. Pushing them down as she moved back to where she was. Ben's fingers digging into her hips, moving her around until her back was flush with the ground. He loved the way she took control, but he wanted to take care of her. Just tonight he wanted to treat her like the angel she was._

_"Do you want to do this?" Ben asked before doing anything else._

_He didn't want to make her do anything unless she gave him a distinct yes._

_She nodded her head. Looking into his eyes as love poured out of them as far as Devil's Ivy. "Yes."_

_He came back down to kiss her. He couldn't get enough of it._

_Ben lined himself up between her thighs. Slowly pushing himself in little by little. Her face pursing in pain. He let his fingers trail back up behind her neck, holding her softly in his hands. He brought her head to his as he leaned down._

_"Shh," He cooed softly rubbing his thumb against her damp skin, "Relax, relax." His comforting words easing her tension._

_Taking him in inch by inch as her nails dug into him. Her face found comfort in the crook of his neck as she tried to find a relief of the pain. Whimpers leaving her lips._

_"It's okay." He kissed her temple, pushing deep inside her. So tight for him, he had to keep his composure. Taking all he could to fight against ramming into her._

_She fell vulnerable for him as he eased her into the pleasure. The pain faded away and all she could feel was him. His length sliding out and back into her. Soft whimpers coming from her lips as he pushed back in._

_Nearly sending Ben over the edge. He loved hearing those sounds from her._

_They both only felt each other. Nothing else existed. He knew he loved her at that moment._

_Fucking her in the pale moonlight._

~~~

"Supreme Leader!-" Hux broke Kylo's heaven of a memory.

He turned his head to him in a despicable way.

"Yes General?" The emphasis on the 'yes' showing how much he didn't care of what Hux had to say now that he was thinking of his angel.

His angel's soft lips. The gorgeous way her body seemed like it was made for him. Escaping the galaxy's most celestial edge just for him.

"Were you listening to anything I just said?" He scoffed.

Kylo blatantly replied, looking back to the window with his hands behind his back. "No."   
  
  


.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.  
  
  


It had been roughly a day and a half since he left Starkiller. And he couldn't stop thinking of her.

Spending years fighting to get her and once he did, he had to leave her behind. Once Kylo got under the grasp of Snoke, he had to push the image of her to the back of his mind. Snoke knew who she was to him. He saw inside Kylo's head.

But he couldn't let the powerful Sith know how much he still thought of her. He would kill her the second he could.

Kylo waited until the moment was right. Snoke brought up the question of his old lover. Asking him all sorts of questions about her. He made Kylo repeat the words over and over, "She's nothing to me. She was always nothing to begin with. A nobody." A phrase Kylo could no longer think of without becoming enraged.

It was when Kylo refused to say the words again, did Snoke crawl into his mind. Filling his head with the image of her deceased body at his fingertips did he become wrathful. Taking all of that untamed raw power, and forcing it against Snoke.

He had only composed his power for her.

Finally Kylo was crowned Supreme Leader. Finally being able to begin his search for his Empress. Buying clothes, ships, books, easels, and everything he knew she loved. Stocking up on lavender tea.

If only she could see how determined he was to have her. Kylo observed her power. Her growing strength. Desire. Searching for him.

He was following her trail and he knew that his men were no match against her. The only problem he faced was, would she fall for Kylo as hard as she fell for Ben?

Then once he finally had a plan to face her on one Planet she was often seen visiting, Etheiphus, she disappeared. Gone from the eyes of the galaxy. So he had to start a new hunt to find her. He wished it hadn't taken so long, but he was beyond pleased with the outcome.

He began thinking of all the things she said to him.

Promising to never leave him. Even if he was Kylo. Promising to always b-

"Uhm, Sir?" A voice catching his attention. Kylo faced him.

"Yes?" He replied, the voice modifier making him even more terrifying.

"We have received news that uhm," His eyes continue to try and look anywhere but the visor of his mask, "The Empress has left Starkiller. We are unable to trace where she has gone Sir."

Kylo fell numb.

"What?" His teeth gritting together at the last letter. Fists tightening, leather pulling.

"Your Knights were unaware that this even happened until she was gone. She had nearly killed one of our Generals in the process Sir." He said even more horrified in the presence of The Supreme Leader.

Kylo gripped his lightsaber, igniting to life. Roaring and humming against the air.

His arm was outstretched. Dragging the innocent General to him. Gasping for air.

"Find her." His words gritted. "Search to the edge of the galaxy if you have to. Get her back!" He yelled as the General closed his eyes in fear. Throwing him across the room as if he was nothing.

Kylo turned back, slashing his lightsaber on anything that could be damaged.

He was beyond enraged. Livid. She promised not to leave him.

_She promised!_

He had never felt this upset at anything before. Even angrier than the throne room with Snoke. This, this was a different type of anger.

One that had his blood boiling red.

Something new ignited in him. It was unfamiliar to him. Not being able to describe it, but he could feel it. The screams were building up in his chest, but the tears were preventing them from coming out. Blocking their path.

As he lashed his anger out on the poor durasteel wall in front of him, he was letting out what he could only believe to be sadness. Only making room for anger. Rage.

He was going to find her again, and when he did. She was going to need more than that angelic voice of hers to save her from the hostility leaking out of Kylo.

_'Clearly being nice to my angel isn't working.'_

And stars helped her when he got back to Starkiller. The things he soon had planned for her were beyond what anyone could imagine. Kylo was going to show her how nasty he could get. How he had been holding back on her all these days.

She won't ever leave him again.

She really wanted to be reminded of who she belonged to didn't she.  
  


｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_I was sitting by the pool, eating watermelon, failing 2 classes, and I went "yk I think I'm about to have kylo rail this girl in the next chapter" so I made a small aesthetic for the next chapter on my tiktok_  
_Love u guys so much <3 thank u for reading !! _  
_[ sunday the 17th - 2:35 am ]_


	15. - feuilles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ 𝗞𝘆𝗹𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗞𝗻𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀, 𝘁𝗶𝗹𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺. "𝗧𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗘𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀," 𝗛𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺. 𝗘𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗸𝘀 𝗼𝗳𝗳. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings:  
> \- a LOT of gore / bloodplay  
> \- nsfw  
> \- voyeurism  
> \- kylo ren really bout to fuck u up
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**fifteen** \- feuilles _( leaves )_

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_White Mustang - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "I was such a fool for believin' that you_  
_Could change all the ways you've been livin'_  
_But you just couldn't stop"_  
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

**_You stepped off the boarding dock of your ship._ ** _Landing a foot back on the metal floors. Swarnes of Officers rushing to you. Kylo's Knights pushing them away, surrounding you. But not in a way to fight against you, but to protect you._

_You grabbed a few bags and crates you had brought with you to Etheiphus. They were filled with flowers and other greenery._

_Smiling to the people surrounding you, asking you questions._

_Ugh if you hadn't known, it was as if they didn't have an Empress for five days._

_"Empress we have shipping orders that were prevented nearly 0900 hours ago. Would you like for us to send a fleet on to retrieve the stolen materials?"_

_"Empress! We now have new information on where the Resistance base is, what would you like for us to do?"_

_Your head turning nonchalantly at all the voices yelling at you, as if you hadn't had a care in the galaxy._

_"Empress, your most recent fabric has been delivered to your study." A young man had said. He looked to be a new higher ranking officer. Taking care of smaller shipping orders._

_"Wonderful." You smiled back at him. Leaving all the other questions in the air._

_"Send in sections DF-7 and FG-2 to retrieve the materials, and you can just send the new information on the Resistance to my datapad." Walking past the Officers, Knights holding your bags and crates as your heels clicked on the ground. Waving your hand to the Generals, silencing them as they tried to continue to ask questions._

_You knew a fair amount about warfare, and had gotten a hold on the concept of how Kylo ran things. He would always vent to you after his horrible meetings._

_~~~_

You were in the refresher. Organizing your new plants. Placing them in categories by color. Keeping the deep red flowers in this room. Stepping back from the counter to see if it looked right.

Letting out a huff of air. You held your hand out to the side, a small pot was placed in your palm as your fingers grasped around it.

Looking over and seeing Kuruk with multiple pots and jars full of flowers and vines.

"Thank you." You replied stepping forward again.

You have been _"home"_ roughly three days now. Dressing in sweatpants and Kylo's training shirts since you were confined to your room.

Not allowed in the study or gallery. Even the dining hall was off limits! Food was delivered to you by the Knights. All six of them watching after you.

Kuruk, Vicrul, and Ap'lek had the pleasure of being stuck in the quarters with you. Cardo was outside the door, while Trudgen and Ushar were placed at the elevator of your floor.

You hadn't bothered them much, you already got what you wanted.

A trip to Etheiphus. Your skin came back just a tone darker, and your heart a bit brighter. And your living quarters are a whole lot livelier.

Bouquets of your favorite flowers being placed anywhere you could put them for the time being. Vines hanging down Kylo's dresser.

You peeked your head out the doorway, "Boys," Vicrul and Ap'lek turning to face you. "You can put those where you think fits best." You smiled pointing to the many flowers on the desk.

Even though they had masks on, you could still somehow see the confusion on their faces. They looked at one another, then walked to the desk. Picking up pots and jars and glasses of biennials, placing them around the room. Adjusting the leaves so they sprouted out.

So dangerous and intimidating.

And before you knew, it was already nightfall. You laid back in bed with a huff.

You had been worrying about Kylo's reaction to you leaving. Trying your best to stay busy with the plants or reading. You even went as far as showing your dresses off to the Knights.

You honestly felt bad for them when you forced them to sit and clap when you came out with a new outfit. But eventually, you decided they weren't so horrible to be around, and they thought the same about you.

They would grab your books from the study and even make Lavender tea for you. Seeing more than just your gorgeous appearance, now knowing why Kylo had fallen for you as fast as he did.

But they knew their boundaries. _You hoped._

But now, you were laying in bed, facing the ceiling. Nothing to keep your mind off of the question you feared.

"Ap'lek," You said almost sadly.

"Yes Empress?" He replied.

You sat up in bed, hugging your knees to your chest. Looking at the three Knights in front of you.

"Do you think Kylo is going to hurt me?" You quietly asked, biting your bottom lip in anxiousness.

The Knight shook his head.

"No," His feet shifting in his stance, "I think he's just very confused and a little hurt right now is all. Maybe a little mad." He comforted.

You looked down at the bottom of your bed, continuing to pick at your lip as they were soon red. Your vision blurring, not focusing on anything specific as you began to zone out.

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes, he would never hurt you Empress."

Your vision focused again, a shockwave of sorrow pulsing in the back of your throat. _Hearing the rain falling. The thunder booming. The lightning cracking._

"Yeah," You barely even said. "He would never."

Getting out of bed, your grey sweatpants covering under your heels as they were too long for you. Pattering to the refresher, the door sliding shut behind you.

Turning to the mirror and immediately noticing your scar. Making sure to remind yourself that not everyone knows your story.

Different eyes see different things and they were lucky to not see what stories yours have held.

_'He would never'_

You missed him, but you were scared of him.

You knew what you did was wrong and you knew you defied him. His Knights would not have been watching your every move if he wasn't mad at you. Outraged at you.

Your back touched the wall, sliding down as the fabric of your shirt bunched up against your spine.

Biting your lip in worry. The burning pain when you ripped off a new layer of skin. Red speckling at the new opened wounds.

Your heart felt like it was racing, your breaths becoming sporadic. Hands shaking in fear and your mind wouldn't stop racing over the idea of him hurting you. Him being infuriated at you and finally letting out his anger on you.

You didn't even notice the soft tears falling from your face. A knock at the temper steel door.

"Empress, are you okay?" You heard Vicrul ask. He was genuinely worried you would try to hurt yourself.

Then you felt it. Not having this feeling rock your bones in years, and yet you immediately knew what it meant.

Kylo was back, you felt it.

Your breaths picked up and your hands wouldn't stop shaking. Your eyes blinking away the tears that were now flooding your vision.

"Uhm-Uhm- yeah," You couldn't help but stutter. It was as if you were getting yelled at and tried your best to sound strong, but failing. "I'm-I'm fine, just, please don't let him in. Please." Your voice breaking.

Keeping your sobs to yourself, not wanting to worry the Knights watching over you.

Your knees coming to your chest, staring off into nothing once again.

Kylo had landed on Starkiller. Storming to his quarters. Generals saw him, not daring to get in his way. He was a billowing black fit of rage.

This look of anger was new. It was burning much deeper than any fury they've ever seen before. And they all knew why he was so angry. They were scared.

They were scared _for you._

Kylo bit his lip waiting in the elevator. The doors opened. His Knights felt what you felt, so they didn't block him when he stormed out. They've never seen this energy from him before now.

He was going to destroy his little angel. Ruin her until she was broken into pieces. Putting her back together in an order that made her obey him.

Kylo walked into the quarters.

"Where is she." He gritted at his Knights.

They motioned to the refresher. He knew she was hiding from him.

Your heart fluttered hearing his voice, but shifting in fear when you heard the tone.

 _'No, no, no, no'_ repeating in your head as you backed up from the door. Sitting between the bath and the shower.

Kylo tried to open the door, but you had locked it.

"Open the door." He firmly ordered.

You didn't, -couldn't reply.

Before you had time to think, there was a pound at the durasteel. Looking up and seeing a dent in the door. Kylo broke it to the point it opened.

You saw him storming for you. Cowering back and using your legs to attempt to kick him away. He was livid.

He grabbed for your arms, pulling you up forcefully. It hurt. Dragging you out of the refresher. You were wincing at how he was pulling you, trying to push off of him. But he stood firm.

"Kylo stop!" You yelled. "You're hurting me!"

Ap'lek, Kuruk, and Vicrul were there to protect you. They went to walk up to you. Help you. They were no longer _just_ Kylo's Knights.

"Get away from her." he turned around and pointed at them.

They backed up, obeying his order. They saw the fear in your eyes, but they saw the anger in his.

Throwing you on the bed and wrapping his gloved hand around your neck. Making you look at him. He saw your peeled lips, your red stained cheeks, the fear in your eyes.

And he loved it. Sparking such a new feeling in him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" He yelled in your face.

You shut your eyes and tried to move away from him.

"Hm?" He tightened around your neck. The seams of his gloved deepening indents into your skin. "Answer me!"

You couldn't. He was choking you too hard. Your airflow was cut off, only getting out sputters of words. You could hear your heartbeat. Pulsing in your mind. Tears flowing from between your eyelashes.

Kylo was burning deeper. His eyes a dark red, the shade of blood. He loved it.

He squeezed harder. You felt your windpipe closing. He was holding your life in his hands. And for once, you felt like you belonged to someone. Belonging to the hands of a lethal killer. He wore death and destruction as if were an expensive cologne. Fire in his eyes and ice in his veins. All flowing for you. You loved it.

You smiled against his grip, refusing to answer him.

"If that's how you want to act," He mumbled, his hand pulled off of your neck.

Gasping for air the second he had let go.

Kylo traced his thumb under his mouth, spitting on the leather and soon bringing it to your mouth. Holding you under his grasp with his other hand. He watched in amusement as he trailed his thumb over your bottom lip.

You had red eyes, flustered cheeks, glistening tear trails along your face. All you could do was stare up at him. In all the hate and fury you loved him with. Your chest heaving up and down with breaths of anticipation and worship.

You worshiped him. Feared him. Adored him. _Bound to him._

Kylo pushed his thumb in your mouth, your lips closing around his glove. Shoving as far back as he could, your head tilting up, continuing to stare into each other's eyes.

Before you had time to grasp what was really happening, he held down, pulling you up by your jaw and neck. Standing up, his chest to your back, making you face the three Knights.

He took his finger from your mouth, dragging your lip down as you blinked away stray tears. His gloved hand wrapping around your throat yet again.

"You've been such a bad girl," He whispered to you, his leather gloves trailing up under your shirt, bunching the fabric in between his fingers. Pulling the shirt over your head. You shuddered against him. The Knights watching you as you were being stripped bare in front of them. "You want to show them what happens when you're a bad girl for me?"

You felt a flower blossom in your mind, one you hadn't planted.

"Yes," You quietly said.

His arm snaking around your bare torso, pushing you back into him. His warm grasp sends chills down your spine. Roses blooming between your thighs.

"Kuruk, Vicrul," He said motioning his head to the side, the two of them moving more spread out. Positioning themselves to where Kylo wanted them to go. Ap'lek staying near the one side of the room.

He pushed you back on to the bed.

"Get on all fours."

Your shivering breaths showcasing your anticipation. Obeying his orders, getting to your knees and hands. Facing the headboard of the bed.

The next thing you heard both terrified and intrigued you. Chains rattling against one another.

Kylo grabbed one of your wrists, placing a leather cuff around it, tightening the other side of the leather cuff around the headboard. A string of chains in the middle. He did the same to your other wrist.

Pulling at your arms, lifting your head up to hopefully ease the pain.

But he had other plans. His gloves felt at the top of your spine, pushing you down. Wincing as he did.

"Quiet." Kylo snapped at you.

You groaned hearing his voice.

Your neck arched back, a harsh quick tug at your hair. Looking to the side and seeing Kylo.

"If you want to act like a brat I'll treat you like one." Letting go of your hair, your head falling back to place.

You moved your legs, trying to shift to be more comfortable. Kylo's fingers dug into the fabric of your pants, pulling them down. Completely nude in front of him and The Knights.

You wanted to close your legs, hide from all the viewing eyes. Hearing how boots shifted against the flooring.

The Knights were becoming upset at themselves for having this work of art alone for so long, and not taking time to view it. They had all of that, to themselves.

Air felt cold between your thighs.

Hearing Kylo groan slightly to himself, seeing you on display for him.

"You don't know how much I missed this," He said, running his finger up your slit, "And I can't wait to ruin it."

Those words send a shiver down your spine. Even though you wanted to hate him and be upset at him at this moment- you couldn't hide your wetness. Letting it drip down the sides of your thighs for everyone to see.

Kylo's finger trailed in between your legs. Goosebumps forming at his touch. Higher and higher until it reached your throbbing wet cunt.

The warmth of his finger leaving as he looked in amusement at his slick covered finger. Sucking his gloved hand clean of you.

You've gone roughly over a week without his touch, and you were craving it.

He grabbed the top of your thighs, spreading them apart to show you off. Showing everyone what was his. You leaned into his touch. Needing it.

"Oh, what a needy little girl," He teased. Kylo took one of his fingers, pushing slightly into you, slowly, provoking you. "Is this what you want?"

His finger pushed deeper, his eyes watching you intently. You whined in response wanting to feel more.

In all of his anger, he shoved three of his fingers deep inside of you. Splitting you open. Your hips moved in response to his touch. Begging for more.

Kylo slowly pushed deeper and harder. Seeing how you bit your lip in response. His thumb curving under and rolling over your clit.

"So greedy, I'm sure you wouldn't mind being locked up in this room all day," His fingers reached far inside you. "Just to be my little slut, hm? My little toy, all you would have to do is wait around to get fucked."

He came close to your ear, looking back and seeing how his Knights were trying so hard to resist their own urges.

A small laugh as he looked back at you.

Your hands pull towards yourself, but only made it so far before the chains tightened. Your whimpers of need growing louder.

Kylo was leaning next to the bed, finger-fucking you hard and deep. Kuruk, Vicrul, and Ap'lek were creating their own fantasies in their heads, and you were in most of them.

His other hand pushed your hair to the side. You looked over to him, he had his lips slightly parted, his head dipped into the crook of your neck. Leaving red kiss marks and bites.

He pulled out from between your legs, slamming into you. A loud moan echoing the walls of your living quarters. Your nails digging into your palm as you continued to try and pull against the restraints. Your loud moans and then the rattling of chains were the only things that could be heard.

Looking back down as you did, the sensation was becoming too much. You were close to reaching that euphoric bliss.

"Does my Empress want to show everyone who can tear her apart? Ruin her. Claim her."

His deep voice, close to your ear. Ramming into you harder, circling your clit faster.

You eagerly nodded your head, panting for gasps of air. It didn't take you much to get to this point. You've gone days without it.

"Yes. . . Yes. . . Kylo. ." You moaned.

His gloved fingers curling inside you. Pushing against your walls to the point it was too much.

Then you felt his warmth leave you. His fingers digging into your thighs, spreading you open once more as you came; hard and loud. You had nothing to chase your high with. Falling apart on full display.

Kylo knew exactly what he was doing, ruining your long awaited release.

He watched in amusement as you twitched against him, but he was holding you too hard for you to actually move too much. Wanting to rub your legs together for a sense of friction, but he scolded you when you tried.

"What the fuck Kylo," You angrily panted. Your nails digging deeper into your skin as you let out cries and whimpers of frustration.

His eyes were dark and he licked his lips before letting go of your thighs.

"You're getting what you deserve," His boots were met with the floor. He grabbed your face forcing your neck to turn and look at him. "And watch your mouth pretty girl, or I'll be looking forward to ruining that next."

He let go of you; your chest heaving as your back leaned down, pushing your ass in the air. Still trying to find any movement to hopefully ease you of your touch deprived skin.

Kylo looked back to his Knights, tilting his head at them. "Take a better look at your Empress," He motioned to them. Each taking their masks off.

Kuruk with golden brown skin, even glowing in the moonlight. Dark eyes bore into your skin and you felt it. His curly hair slightly fell in front of his face.

Ap'lek had wavy, shoulder length blonde hair. One green eye and one blue eye, viewing over your body. Fighting all of his urges.

Vicrul could barely look away from between your thighs. Pushing back his light brown hair.

Kylo took his finger, running it over your wet pussy, seeing how your dripping arousal coated his glove. Twisting his finger to see it gleam in the overhead lights. He brought it to his lips, licking it clean.

He came back over to you, whispering in your ear. His hand running from your tailbone, down to the dip of your back, up to the top of your spine.

"Oh, you don't know how bad they wish they could have you."

You wanted to feel him inside you again so bad, you needed him. And you needed that rough touch. _You knew what could get him there._

"I don't want you," Pushing your ass high in the air, parting your legs even more. "I want them." And evil gleam in your eye and tone.

Vicrul takes a sharp breath behind you. You had gotten them excited.

"You think they can fuck you like I can?" He gripped the back of your neck. You nodded your head 'yes'. "We'll see." He gritted. Anger and evil in his eyes once more.

_'Did I take it too far?' . . ._

Kylo stood up, walking back behind you. Getting on the bed as his gloved hands gripped the skin on your hips. Kneading it in between his fingers.

_'I could never.'_

Your eyes closing at the sensation, threatening to moan even at his touch. Then a sting was felt. A harsh slap. Jolting you forward, yelping at the feeling.

Kylo soothed his cold hand over the red spot forming on your ass. He took his belt off, taking the leather and leaning forward. Pulling your hair so your neck arched. Wrapping the belt in your mouth as he held on to the ends still.

Biting down on the material as your neck was forced up.

"They could never have you."

You heard the sound of his robes moving against one another, then you felt his hard erection against your skin. His cock slid over your cunt, the tip teasing your clit.

You pushed back against him, silently begging for more. His Knights had begun palming themselves through their uniforms, no longer containing their desires.

Then he took his hand off of your hips, guiding himself in between your thighs. His thick cock splitting you in two more than his fingers ever could. Moaning out against the leather in your mouth.

He began digging bruises into your hips, tightening the belt back. Ramming his length into you. Harder and harder. Loving how you clenched around him when he hit that spot that drove you wild.

"Don't you understand," your eyes squeezing shut his fingers digging down on your skin. "I own you," He growled at you. "They'll never get to feel how tight this little cunt is, how good it feels to be buried deep inside you; what it's like to have you scream their name," He thrusts in harshly- making you moan loudly. "I own all of you."

Your arms pulled forward, the chains tightening, your neck arching up, back dipping down, the underside of your thighs already sore. Whimpering over and over again for him.

Hoping to already reach that high since your last one was ruined.

He filled you all the way up. Spreading you open and stretching out around him. Feeling how he slid in and out of you. A harsh and rough thrust so he made sure you would feel it later.

You whined and moaned, with every push. Drool beginning to drip from the sides of your mouth. Biting down deep indents into his belt. Loving how much his thick cock filled you and nearly drove you over the edge.

You lunged forward with each of his movements. Pounding into you harder than he ever has before.

His brutal pace was turning your thighs red and raw. He took his hand off of your hip.

"K-K," You tried to plead, your moans being cut off with a sound that horrified you.

His lightsaber roared to life.

The sporadic hiss of it making you pull on the chains bounding you to the bed. Trying to get away from the heat of it coming close to your skin.

"No, no," He held your hips tight, pulling back on the belt that was in your mouth. "Those other marks aren't doing enough pretty girl, I'm going to make sure this one stays." His voice sounded devilish. He was overcome by the darkness.

Then you felt it.

The roaring blade of his lightsaber was met to the skin of your waist. Burning your skin under its touch.

His cock still thrusting deep inside you as he scorched you.

You writhed and jerked against the feeling. Screaming out in pain as you bit on to the belt. The sensations were too much. Your cunt taking Kylo in and out over and over again. Filling up with him, his thick length hitting just the right spot every time. The burning hot agony was driving you over the edge.

You heard groans, but they weren't from Kylo, they were from his Knights. Watching him ruin you and yet have you wrapped around his finger at the same time.

Tears fell from your eyes as he brought the fiery blaze from your waist, down to the curve of your hips. Continuing to let out anguished screams of pain. Your cauterized skin was dripping red. Soaked already in blood from how deep the marks were.

"Fuck. . ." Kylo moaned feeling how tightly you wrapped around him with every move of his blade and cock. Each of them splitting you open.

It was all too much. You continued to scream out moans and in agony. He rocked in to you with such force you were so close. You now felt your skin burning, now on the length of your thigh. It was far worse than any pain you had ever experienced. This was excruciating.

Trailing from your waist, to your hips, down to the side length of your thigh in scattered marks.

He was branding you. The roar of his saber spewed down. No longer being alight in a ferocious fire.

Kylo's hand was met back on your hip. Screaming and crying out as he gripped one of the many deep gashes in your skin. His hands dripping of your blood.

"You are mine! _I own every part of you!_ " He yelled at you, pulling up against the belt.

You were moaning as he was still burying deep inside your cunt, so close. And it only took one more deep thrust until you came around his thick cock. Moaning loudly as you did. A jolt of pleasure coursing through your veins. For a quick second you had almost forgotten about the singed skin on your side.

Your branded skin was pulsing and hurt beyond you could believe, but you craved it. You craved the feeling of it. Loved it.

Kylo fills you with his cum, tightening on your hip and the belt. Digging his fingers into your raw, cauterized skin. Screaming out as he did.

Rocking into a few more times before pulling out. Groans heard all throughout the room as the Knights watched in reverence.

When Kylo pulled from you, he tugged on one end of the belt, letting it slide out of your mouth. Covered in your spit.

He stepped off of the bed. Holding on to your thighs yet again, spreading you open for everyone to see. His cum dripping out from you and down the sides of your thighs. The bed was being painted with the white color of his seed and the crimson color of your blood.

Feeling lightheaded as you were panting for air, so much of your claret seeping out of your skin. Finally letting your body fall limp to it all. No longer fighting for restraint against the chains.

Kylo loved how fucked up you looked. So ruined, _so raw,_ so vulnerable and broken. And all because of him.

He walked back up to the top of the bed, pushing your hair to the side as he snapped at you through gritted teeth. Grabbing your jaw to face him. The red on his gloved covering your skin.

"They will never fuck you like I can. _No one_ will ever fuck you like I can."

And with that, he dropped your face, walking over to the refresher. Hearing bath water running.

You were there, completely branded by him. The stinging feeling of your skin was too much for you. Your face wet and glistening with tears, spit, and deep crimson blood. Red like the wine Kylo loved to drink. Red like the color that burned deep in your soul for him.

Your scorched skin was felt with a harsh sting. Crying out at the sudden feeling. When Kylo touched it, you felt more than just the pain of it. Kylo wasn't the one touching you.

Kylo looked quickly out of the refresher, and what he saw angered him even more than the fact you left. He was ready to kill. Turning the bath water off and seeing red.

Vicrul had gotten too close to his angel. Who gave him the right to touch you? He was lining his gloved finger through your burned skin. Coating it in your blood. Trailing up to between your thighs. You writhed around, trying to get him way.

But you could barely move, the chains holding you tight and your leg was too much pain to bear.

You screamed out in pain as he continued to touch you. You didn't want him touching you. Crying at the painful feeling. Tears falling on to the bed covers.

"Kylo!" You screamed out trying to move away from him.

The Knight had lost himself in his own mind. Falling submissive to the consuming feeling. You had set a spell on him with all of your psychotic and chaotic beauty.

Kylo grabbed a hold of his lightsaber and it roared to life once more. Charging Vicrul, pointing the fiery blade just a couple of centimeters from his neck.

"Don't you touch her." He yelled in rage and possessiveness.

The Knights intrusive fingers were no longer felt on your blistering gashes and damaged skin.

He stumbled back from you as his Master nearly killed him then and there. He was fearful and finally was conscious of what he had just done.

Kylo had an outstretched arm as he continues to point his saber in his direction.

Vicrul started gasping for air, choking for it.

"Know your place." He gritted at him. Letting his hand drop, and throw a harsh punch to his face. He fell back down to the ground.

Kylo turned off his saber; leaning down and throwing numerous hits to his Knight. Until his nose was dripping blood, it was seeping out from him and found itself in the cracks between his teeth.

You turned to the side, seeing Kylo lashing out on Vicrul.

He was going to kill him.

"Kylo!" You yelled. "Kylo stop!" You screamed at him.

You didn't mind if he was brutalized for what he did, _but not on our bedroom floor._

You trusted The Knight, and then he couldn't contain himself. Crossing the line and touching you, hurting you.

Kylo threw a few more punches at him until he was lying unconscious on the ground. Standing up and looking over at you. Seeing the tears in your eyes and the blood smeared across your face. He rushed over to you.

"Leave, take him with you." Kylo ordered his Knights. They quickly left with Vicrul in their hands.

The cuffs on your wrist were released. You fell down onto the bed, chest still heaving. Trying to turn over, but the raw skin burned against the touch of the bed. You looked down to see your leg covered in deep red blood.

Four different lengthed gashes were lining down the side of your body. You ran your fingers through your hair.

"Fuck, Kylo." You said, your head falling down to the pillow.

You could barely manage to process what you had just gone through. So many emotions ran through you, coursed in your veins.

He grabbed the back of your thigh, lifting your leg up to him so he could view the wounds better. You haven't even tried to fight against it. You felt completely broken. Ruined. You let him examine it, even if he was being rough.

You stared up at the ceiling, only looking back down when you felt another sting. Kylo trailing two of his fingers under one of the incisions. Gathering the blood that was dripping from it.

He looked over to you, letting go of your leg and walking up to you. his other hand burrowed under your back, helping you sit up.

He split his two fingers. Turning one to you and one to him. Deepening into his eyes as each of you wrapped your lips around his fingers. Sucking down the taste of sharp metal and the sweet tang of his oiled leather gloves. Letting go of it with a wet pop.

A smile on your face looking at him. Kylo leaned in, kissing you. Feeling his lips on yours for the first time in what felt like forever.

Your hands trailing to his shoulder and his disheveled hair. Missing the taste of him.

Kiss after kiss until you broke for air. He looked back into your eyes, his hand tangling in your hair, you leaned into his touch.

"You will always be mine. Only mine." He said.

You nodded your head.

"Thank you." You smiled.

He pressed a long kiss to your forehead. Taking a deep breath, just feeling your skin on his. Having him with you.

"Please," He softly said. "Promise me you won't leave again."

You nodded once again as his lips broke off of your skin. "I promise."

He met his gaze with you again. Kylo looked hurt.

He could have lost you. He _did_ think he lost you. That you left him. As if he wasn't enough for you. And then he knew that you trusted him enough to have his Knights in the room with you, then he let them hurt you. Touch you. Violate you.

And he hated himself for letting that happen to you.

After hearing you say that you promise, he felt a little better.

Kylo was the one nodding now, closing his eyes for just a second. He leaned back. Viewing your wounds once more. Then he looked around the room, seeing all the plants.

He got on to the bed, pulling you on to him, placing his hand on your thigh. You gripped on to him as he did. And then you felt almost as if a thousand pins and needles were pricking at the raw skin.

Kylo had you in his hands, his eyes closed and taking deep breaths. The skin on your leg was forming back around the red skin. But all of your lively plants were beginning to wilt and turn brown. Being sucked of life and energy.

He took one more deep breath, pulling all the existence he could from your biennials. He opened his eyes back up, seeing the gash just how he wanted. It was healed, but left scars. Branding you. 

He had broken you, and now he was piecing you back together, just the way he wanted. Owned by him.

You watched in amazement as he did this. Not even mad as your plants had died. You'd rather have a leg than a hosta plant.

Kylo trailed his hand up and down your thigh, pushing you up on him farther.

"Let's get you cleaned up angel." He said, picking you into his arms.  
  


｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡  
_Tell me why my ass thought of Kylo Ren cauterizing someone? Like am I going through some stuff that needs to be dealt with? Like why do I want him to do that to me. . ._  
_I <3 u guys so so so much thank u for making it this far *smooch* _  
_\- p.s. rey better watch tf out in the next chapters causeee_ 😳  
_[ thursday the 21st - 2:18 am ]_


	16. - vengeance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁-" 𝗛𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲. "𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗴𝗼."]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings:  
> \- gore  
> \- bloodplay  
> \- suicidal thoughts / tendancies
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

**sixteen** \- vengeance _( revenge )_

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_Black Beauty - Lana Del Rey_  
_\- "Life is beautiful,_  
_But you don't have a clue,"_  
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**You were sitting at the bottom of your shower.** Your hands dug in your hair, hyperventilating as you felt the hot water rolling off of you. You were back to the very start. Never knowing what's real anymore.

You just wanted to be okay.

Nothing meant anything at this point. No longer caring what happened to you.

You felt ruined. Owned. You weren't free. You couldn't understand why it was so hard to love him and be who you've always wanted to be.

Kylo broke you that night, but he never put you back together. You've never felt this low before. You had everything you could want, but you hated it.

You just wanted to be okay.

_'I just want to be okay'_

The steam from the shower was filling the glass walls. The lights blurred together as your tear filled eyes poured. You looked like a broken mess.

Your mind felt dense and your heart was heavy. You just wanted to be honest with Kylo. You wanted to tell him all the things you were forever too scared to say.

The things you've been hiding from him ever since he first captured you.

Words are the way of life, and what purpose do you have being with him if you couldn't even confess your deepest moments to him.

Your head fell back to rest against the black stone walls. Only focusing on the sensation of the water rolling over your skin. Beating down on it. Hot to the point it was almost cold.

"Please just let me be okay." You cried out.

Kylo brought you with him on the Finalizer. He said it was where you would be staying for a while until he situated the matter of the lost droid. He was much busier now. Never having time for you.

He no longer wanted his Knights near you.

So you were alone in your quarters most of the day. Now and then you would go on a walk around the ship, but it always ended in you getting lost.

Week after week of doing nothing besides taking hot showers and gazing out at the stars. Week after week of confining your new forming emotions.

Feeling nothing besides emptiness. You felt empty and that was the only way to describe it.

Alone.

Kylo hadn't understood to the full extent of what he ruined that day. _He hurt you._

Your eyes closed, steam from the hot shower filling the room. Feeling dizzy and lightheaded as you continued to sit on the ground. Falling submissive to the trance like daze.

And in an instant, your eyes opened up again. Time had passed, not sure how long, but it wasn't like it mattered. You had time to waste.

You slightly sat up in your spot on the ground, wiping the water from your face and back through your hair.

Getting to your feet and turning the water off. Your skin was red and hot. And since you had gone a short while without the eerie tears falling from your eyes, it had given you time to somewhat regain your composure.

Not like it matters much anyway.

Kylo wouldn't be up to see you until he was tired enough for bed.

_'Seems as if he is never tired for bed anymore.'_

Focusing too much on this map and droid.

You knew for a fact that if you were in charge, the issue wouldn't have occurred in the first place. But he continuously let his temper get the best of him.

So you just sit back and observe.

You knew where to place your issues in the state of war and home. Kylo let them blur together, even getting them confused at times.

But you would be lying to yourself if you said you couldn't run The First Order better than him. You were a woman of power. Bred to bleed power, it was just a part of you. Something he overlooked. But you would prove it to him, you would one day.

Everyone that knew your story from the very beginning knew how efficacious you were. It was just misplaced at the moment, raw and untamed.

You squeezed the water from your hair, stepping out of the shower and dried off with a towel. A long silk night robe cloaking your sensitive skin.

Breathing deep as you ran your fingers over your new scar.

There was something about it, you hated it and you adored it. You hated the fact he did it with his lightsaber, the only way he felt he could claim you, was to hurt you. And you loved it, because it was him. You loved him.

And fuck, it's hard to hate him when you only could find yourself in him the longer you looked.

He was a dark knight and still the light of your light. He was the best and worst thing that had ever happened to you.

You hoped for the best and expected the worst.

The ridges of your scorched skin, you could still feel the fiery blaze. You could still smell the bl-

You heard your name.

Quickly looking up and seeing Kylo in the doorway. When you saw him you just as hurriedly pulled away your hand, letting the robe fall back down. Blinking away your memories and gazing up to the mirror.

Trying hard to not act bothered by him walking up to you. He wasn't supposed to be up for a few more hours.

He grabbed your waist, pulling you into him. As he kissed the top of your head. Your back pushing against his chest.

"Hey," You softly greeted, running your fingers through your wet hair.

_'Why is he being so kind'_

Kylo looked down at you. He pulled his glove off, pressing the back of his hand to your forehead.

"Do you feel sick?" He asked.

You shook your head.

"Uhm- no- no I feel fine." You said back, taking a step away from him, grabbing a comb from a drawer. "I just took a hot shower for a bit too long."

He continued to hold on to your waist as you moved, leaning back into your original spot. Combing as best you could through your hair. The wet droplets seeping out the ends were landing on Kylo.

His fingers began kneading into you, massaging and pulling you against him.

"Have you been feeling okay?" His voice was soft.

You gathered up as much emotion as you could. He was being sweet to you, well _,_ sweet for _him_. And you missed it, but you no longer felt you could continue to hide from him.

You waited a few seconds before answering him. And when the moment came, you couldn't tell him 'no'.

"Why asking?" You instead questioned.

Your mind was screaming.

_'No, I'm not okay, I want to be and I don't know why it's so hard to just- be okay.'_

_'No, and I need your help.'_

_'Please help me.'_

_'I want you to stop hurting me.'_

You looked away from the mirror, putting down the comb. Picking back up your wedding ring. Twirling it between your fingers, sliding it down against you.

Carnelian and white with jewels of black Star Sapphire.

And you yet again felt controlled. Your body littered in scars from him. Every part of you felt owned. You didn't want to be owned, you wanted to be loved.

There was a thin line between the two, and you were beginning to see them blur together.

Kylo sighed behind you. He didn't have to get in your mind to hear you.

You were reaching out for him and you didn't even know it.

He pulled you back into his chest. You were still looking down. He dipped his head down to your neck, giving your heated skin a gentle kiss. Moving his way higher up to your ear.

You began to melt under him.

Pulling away his lips and wrapping his arms around you tighter.

You hated when he did this to you. Dragging you deeper and deeper into chaos. Deeper and deeper into emotion.

He hated seeing you like this. And once he finally got out of his head after that night, he knew he could never forgive himself for what he did to you. Hurting you yet again in the midst of his anger.

"You know" He softly said. He pushed a piece of your hair behind your ear. "I can make it go away." His fingers running against your scalp.

You pushed away from his hand, scared of him getting in your head.

He pulled his fingers back to your hips. Turning you around daintily to face him.

"I want to help you angel." He looked deep into your eyes.

You wanted help. But it was much harder to admit weakness than you thought.

Biting the inside of your lip, a swell in the back of your throat. Your lips parted to say something,

_'Just tell him'_

But you quickly stopped yourself.

"I'm-I'm fine," You said, your voice threatened to crack as you felt your tears start to form in the back of your throat.

_'Why was it so hard to cry out for him?'_

"I'm fine Kylo." You repeated one more time, walking away from him and out to the main quarters.

The second you turned your back to him, you wiped your eyes stray of tears.

All the thousand words you wanted to yell at him were ready on your tongue. But you felt too, pensive, to argue with him. The fire in you was always boiling, but unlike your Emperor, you knew how to control it.

The last fight clearly didn't end well for you. So you tried to just shut your mouth.

"Why'd you even come up here so early?" You asked, trying yet again to veer away from the actual issue.

Kylo was leaning against the doorway.

"I had sent you a few messages on your datapad, you didn't reply so I wanted to make sure you were okay."

You were rummaging through your active-wear dresser. Grabbing what you needed, beginning to get dressed.

"Wanted to make sure I was okay or that I was still in here?" You asked, untying the robe and letting it fall to the ground.

He only glanced at you for a second, but was more worried about why you had been so distant lately, rather than the fact you were nude in front of him.

He couldn't answer your question, he knew what you were trying to get out of him. And he was honestly almost a little ashamed to say he wanted to make sure you hadn't left.

Grabbing one of his many sweaters from the drawers and pulling it over your head, the neckline falling off your shoulder.

You waited for his response, and he hadn't given you one.

"Yeah," You quietly said looking into his eyes, "That's what I thought you'd say," Turning from him and walking to the kitchen.

Kylo followed behind you.

"Angel, listen-"

"No Kylo! I need you to actually trust me for once. There is no 'angel' right now, stop worrying if I'm okay or not if you don't actually care." You cut him off.

You were trying hard to bite your tongue. And the more you held it in, the more it began to hurt. The longer a fire burned inside you.

One thing you and Kylo shared was how hot-headed you were. You just knew how to control it better than he did at certain times.

"You need to listen to me," He said, putting his hand around your arm. There was a more stern tone in his voice. He never liked it when you would yell at him.

You harshly pushed him off.

"I don't need to do shit Kylo!" You yelled in his face. "Especially not listen to anything you have to say! I just want you to trust me for once."

No longer being able to hold back all of the things you'd wanted to say. But not before Kylo got something out first.

"I did try and trust you! And you left the first chance you got!" He screamed back at you.

And the second he yelled at you, both of you knew this was going to turn into a war.

"I did that because I have no fucking freedom with you! I can't remember the last time you actually showed me that you cared about me!" Everything coming out of you all at once. "All you've ever done is hurt me! You broke me Kylo! And I stayed here with you hoping I'd finally mean something to you again!" Your teeth gritting and eyes turning teary and red.

You could never stand him yelling at you.

Kylo was put back by your words, he could name a number of times he showed he's cared for you.

"Do not raise your voice at me!" He screamed back.

"No-no Just-" You stuttered pointing you're finger at him. "Just shut the fuck up!" Your hands moving out as you were blinded by a fit of rage. Saying anything that dared to leave your lips. No longer having a filter.

He was so lost in his own anger and narcissism he hadn't even acknowledged what you were trying to say.

You just wanted him to talk to you for once and actually listen to you. But whenever it was with him, there wasn't one time that could actually happen.

"What did I just tell you." Kylo snapped at you, walking towards you.

When he got close enough to grab you, you fought back. Pushing your arms away from his grasp, fighting with everything you could.

"I don't care what you have to say! You don't own me!" Screaming at him as tears fell from your eyes.

Kylo harshly grabbed your wrists. Pinching your skin in his hands.

"Yes I do!" He replied back, an evil and dark look in his eye.

With all the rage burning inside you, you pushed him off of you. He slightly stumbled back and you hit him over and over again until he was on the ground. You were on top of him. You were always better at hand-to-hand than him.

Your nails digging into his robes as you had that same evil and dark gleam in the shine of your eyes.

"No you don't!"

Kylo had never seen you this enraged before. And for the slightest second, you could say he almost looked scared.

You saw red. You just wanted him to love you, not own you. You wanted him to admit that he loved you. That there was more to this arranged marriage than just the power and title it held.

So caught up in your own thoughts you didn't even notice your rooting fingers, holding Kylo in a Force choke that had him gasping for air. The only thing that tore your mind away from this was when you heard that sound you learned to fear.

A red burning glow casting its light onto you.

Kylo had his lightsaber ignited, and you finally pulled away. He was gasping for air underneath you.

Quickly getting off of him and realizing what he was going to do next.

_'He was going to kill me'_

Once he realized what he had just done, the sizzling flame instantly burned out.

You stood up from the ground backing away from him. He came up soon after you, holding his hand out for you.

"Angel. . ."

You had tears streaming down your face. Flowing tears of rage, misery, dismay and anguish.

Kylo would never do such a thing to you, but how could you have known when he's the only person that's ever hurt you.

You felt like everything was crashing down. All you had wanted was for him to just listen to you. For him to be kind enough to where you could tell him your problems without having to worry if he was going to be mad at you.

For him to just love you and show it.

All the stars in the galaxy seemed to be dwindling down into nothing. You felt those shimmering stars fade away. You were losing what you felt for him. He was losing you.

You saw him trying to reach out for you again, but you just needed to get away. Get away from this mess of a man you loved.

"Fuck off." You said, walking past him and out into the hallway.

Leaving him in your quarters with nothing more than the thoughts he held. You heard his lightsaber once again ignite.

Followed by his screams of rage as the fiery blaze touched nearly anything it could.

You just wanted to get away. To be happy again.

Running away from the horrifying sounds of his lightsaber destroying your room. Tears streaming down your face as the cold air touched them, sending shivers down your spine.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Time was nothing as you sat on the ground of The Finalizer, gazing out at all the glimmering stars. They had a few viewing rooms that had walls lined with glass, to look out into the galaxy.

No one visited them very often, but you always did.

Whenever you would get lost walking the halls of this massive ship, you could always find a way back to this room.

It was where Kylo knew to find you if you hadn't been back to your quarters in a while. He would walk in to see you sitting on the ground near the window, just looking at everything pass by; having nothing but your thoughts and broken memories.

But you didn't expect him to come looking for you anymore.

Tears falling from your eyes with no effort, simply letting them trail down your face as you gazed off. Thinking of what it would be like if you had never met him. How different things would be.

The longer you thought about it, the heavier the weight on your chest became.

You broke down once more, bringing your knees to your chest and letting the heartbreaking sounds of your sobs fill the room.

Alone.

Yet again, left alone. Felt alone. Nothing mattered anymore. Owned by a man you loved with every ounce of your being and you wanted to learn how to hate him, but you just couldn't.

_'I could always make it go away. Kylo wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. He says he can make it go away, but not forever. He can't make it go away forever. I can make it go away forever. I coul-'_

"Empress,"

A deep voice broke you from your thoughts. You startled at the sound. Looking back to where you heard the sound.

Ap'lek.

"Empress, please don't think like that." He said.

You hurriedly wiped your eyes of any tears forming, Kylo's sweater feeling soft against your skin. Standing up from your spot.

Worried that one of his Knights were there, especially ever since because of what happened not too long ago.

"I'm fine," You tried your best to put on a fake smile, but the redness of your eyes gave it away. "You really shouldn't be here though, I don't want Kylo to get mad at you."

Ap'lek continued to stay where he was, you could tell he must have been a little nervous too. He was playing with his fingers.

It was a very conflicting sight. He still had his horrifying mask on.

"He knows I wouldn't hurt you. I just think he's still worried because of what Vicrul did,"

You shuddered at the memory. Slightly stepping back from him as your arms wrapped around your waist.

"I just- I don't want Kylo to come and see you here with me," You knew deep down that Kylo wasn't going to come for you, but a small part of you still liked to believe he would. "Trust me, he's in the mood to kill about anyone right now."

Through the mask you heard the Knight sigh. Bringing his hands to his mask and pulling it off. His wavy, medium length blond hair falling out to frame his face.

He looked a lot kinder than you'd expect.

"He is busy right now, I'm pretty sure I heard him and the General yelling at each other about something when I was walking by." He laughed, hoping to bring you a step closer to happiness.

You felt somewhat calmer when you saw that there was actually a person underneath that terrifying mask. And he didn't look like he had one ounce of "killer" in him.

But there was still that bit of you that was a little uncomfortable being around the Knights ever since they saw you stripped bare and ruined in front of them. Shifting in your stance a little.

Ap'lek could sense it. The paranoia and unsettlement in the air around you. They were all Force sensitive, to an extent however.

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't think of that night when that all happened," He tried to comfort you. "Not that you're like- not pretty but-" He began to stutter on his words and it made a small smile form on your face seeing how the Knight was trying to get his point across and not seem rude. "I'm just- I-"

"I get it don't worry." You smiled.

The aura around you had faded into a shade brighter.

Ap'lek came down, sitting on one of the large black seatings that were in the room facing the window.

You looked to the side, once more seeing all the stars pass by.

"Don't mind if I ask Empress but, what's wrong?" His normal voice had broken your trance.

You felt comfortable enough to sit on the other side of the couch. Bringing your legs up with you. 

"Uhm- I just feel a bit lost at the moment, it's nothing to worry about." You replied.

"From what I saw you thinking of, I-I think it's something I should worry about," He had turned in his seat a little bit to face you better. "I don't want you to hurt yourself Empress. It would be a much duller place if you weren't around."

"Oh, I don't know about that. Kylo barely lets me out of the quarters." You gazed down, tracing your finger on the fabric of the seating.

You wanted to believe you were needed. But it didn't feel like it. There was nothing Kylo couldn't do without you. And admitting it to yourself was one of the scariest things you could ever do.

Admit that he truly didn't need you.

There were a few more seconds of comfortable silence. Bathing in just the fact that someone else was there.

"Could you please tell me what is wrong Lady Ren, I'm worried about you." Ap'lek began to say.

You softly sighed.

"There is such beauty in this world. In this life we are given. And I feel as if mine is being wasted. No one understands the artistry and glamour in even the smallest of things. No one gets it!" You we're beginning to vent to the Knight. "Kylo doesn't fucking understand anything. Doesn't understand what it means to be bound to someone, to care for someone and not hurt them, to love someone."

The room fell silent once more. He was trying his best to gather the right words to comfort you with. But you beat him to it.

"You know," You said, grabbing Ap'leks attention. "He said he loved me. It was a many number of weeks ago, but he said he loved me."

The Knight hadn't even looked surprised. As if he already was present to the idea that Kylo loves you.

"He did?" He answered back.

You nodded your head 'yes'.

"I remember waking up the next morning and I couldn't remember the previous night at all. Then, I started seeing fragments of it in my dreams. I remember thinking of only him. I only saw him. Heard him. It was like nothing else even existed," You spoke words of infatuation. "I let it slip that I love him. And of course I didn't expect him to say it back, and he did."

A small smile on your face at the broken memory of the fact Kylo said he loved you.

He loved you. But it doesn't feel like it.

"Why couldn't you remember it at first?" The Knight asked.

You thought back, you could only recall fragments of that night. All up until the point he said he loved you, then the rest of the night had gotten blotchy. Not being able to see the rest of it beyond that point.

"He pulled the memory from me, he didn't want me to remember it. I just don't think he meant it when he said it. . . and he didn't want me to keep thinking he loved me, when, he really doesn't."

Your heart broke.

You've always thought in the back of your mind about how Kylo really doesn't love you. But saying it out loud brought it to life.

You were admitting to yourself you thought he didn't love you.

_'If he doesn't love me, no one does.'_

They say that the world was built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you.

And admitting your nightmares were among the scariest things you could do as a person.

"I don't believe that Empress. I think he does love you. He just doesn't know how to show it. He's very scared of losing you," Ap'lek comforted you. "I like to think that there is more to the story of you two, there's something no one else knows. I've seen the way he looks at you and handles you. There's, light, in his eyes when he sees you."

You softly laughed at what he said.

"You've seen the way he yells at me and hurts me and humiliated me in front of everyone. How he 'handles me' in a rough way. He doesn't even know how t-"

"No Empress. I've seen the way he makes sure to look if you're okay. If you're still going to be there waiting for him on the other side. I've seen how he would kill anyone that even touched you. I've seen the fear in his mind at the fact you won't be there when he comes back to you. How he 'handles you' like you're the only thing that matters. He is scared Empress. He's scared of you leaving him."

Ap'lek cut you off and the longer you listened to him, heard his words and let them seep into your mind and through all the cracks of your broken image of Kylo; the more you tried to see the other side of view.

"He's scared of losing the title that he can tame me. He is not scared of losing what I mean to him. He could care less if I would be waiting for him on the other side. There's nothing that can break a man like him. Life is beautiful, and he doesn't have a clue." Tears welling in your eyes again.

But you refused to let them fall.

You hated crying in front of Kylo, and you hated the idea of crying in front of his Knights. They had to see you as a strong woman that would lead them if their Supreme Leader couldn't.

Holding in the base of your emotions.

And then Ap'lek had said your name. Not any of your titles, but your name.

". . He is scared. He is scared of losing you. He's not scared of losing the Empress or Lady Ren, but _you."_

You bit the inside of your lip. And you hated yourself when the one tear fell from your eye when you blinked.

You broke down in tears. Your hands encasing your face as the sobs were let out.

Then you felt warm hands on your back, pulling you into a more comforting embrace.

The Knight was holding you in his arms, you felt safe. Rubbing softly against you, dragging you down into security. Stability.

"Oh what can I do?" You broke down. "There's so much more to him than people see and, and, what's tearing me apart is the fact that all he does is continue to hurt me."

Your fingers running through your slightly damp hair; your face yet again glistening with the shine of tears. Not making it far before Ap'lek hugged you tighter.

You needed the reassurance, the comfort and amenity.

"I think you sh-"

"What are you doing talking to her?"

Your heart sunk to the bottom of your chest.

Knowing that modified voice in every inch of your body.

Kylo stood standing in the entry of the room. His mask hid his expression, yet you could still see the anger.

"Kylo-" You stood pulled away from him.

Ap'lek had returned his mask to his head, waiting for what his Master had to say next. Both of you awaiting in fear.

"I told you not to go near her." Walking toward his Knight. "And then you're touching her?"

You could sense the biting hostility in the air. You ran over to Kylo.

"Kylo please." You said, grabbing a hold of his black robes. Tugging on them in hopes of him just leaving Ap'lek alone.

He hadn't moved an inch.

"Yes Master, my apologies." The Knight said, standing from the seating.

The red fire was burning off of Kylo. He was infuriated.

"You are no longer allowed to near my Empress. I don't want to see you anywhere near her ever again." Kylo gritted.

"Kylo!" You yelled yanking at his clothing once more.

"Yes Master." Ap'lek said, lowering his head.

And in an instant, Kylo had his hand tightly around your wrist. Pulling you away from the star filled room.

You looked back, Ap'lek standing defeated. These weren't just Kylo's Knights, they were yours too. The only friends you had learned to make while in the horrible mess of a relationship.

In one tough yank, you were brought back to the reality with Kylo.

Gripping harshly at you to the point _he_ even had to know he was hurting you. Light tears falling from between your eyelashes as he dragged you back to the living quarters.

"We're leaving tomorrow night. I have your bags packed." Kylo's monotone voice barely caught your attention.

You didn't even have the energy in you to question what he was doing or where he was taking you.

You were scared to be left alone without him, but you didn't know if it was worse to be with him.

"I don't want you leaving our room without me accompanying you." Kylo said breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"What!" You yelled back at him.

That energy had come back in an instant when he toyed with your freedom.

"You heard me."

And when you began to walk down the hall to your room, you could smell the burnt duratseel.

"You can't fucking do that!" Trying your best to not lose your temper again.

He couldn't keep you locked up in a room all day. Especially not in the one on The Finalizer.

He threw you into the room. Burn marks on the walls, it looked like a mess. Kylo took his mask off and let it fall to the ground, grabbing your face in his hand.

"Watch your mouth little girl, I don't have a problem ruining that too." He snapped at you.

He was once again holding that evil dark glare.

You couldn't help but smile a little bit.

Out of all your ideas, _this_ was the worst you had ever had.

Grabbing his wrist and pulling it off of your face.

You were tired of being owned. Claimed.

Wondering to yourself if Kylo has ever felt what it was like to be owned by someone. Bound to their every being. To have your soul chained to their fingertips and with every tug they pulled, you only grew deeper and deeper into their spell.

_'Has he ever felt anything like that?'_

A dark gleam glazing your eyes. Burning with revenge. _Vengeance_.

"You're my bitch tonight."

Lifting your hand back up towards him, your dainty fingers curving only slightly.

"Get on the bed." You softly ordered.

Over the weeks of being confined alone and bored, you grew stronger with your own training. Clearly Kylo hasn't taught you anything you already didn't know.

He listened to you, getting on to your untouched bed. The one thing in the room that wasn't completely slashed to shreds. You had rooted into his mind.

And in an instant he was back.

"What do you think you're doing?" He flared.

Kylo was easily as angered as you were. But he was angry at Ap'lek, he was angry at the General, he was angry at himself.

He wasn't angry at you. He had come to resolve things with you. He had come to find you, _to apologize._

But you couldn't care less about what he wanted to say to you. You wanted to make him feel what you did.

You held your hand out yet again, the tendrils of your raged mind wrapping around his wrist, pulling them to the headboard much like yours always are.

"I'm getting what I want." You replied.

You walked to the closet, bringing back out one of Kylo's capes.

_'Revenge'_

Taking the fabric in your hands and tearing it apart.

_'Reprisal'_

You walked up to him, one of the strips of his ripped cape in your grasp.

_'Vengeance'_

Kylo shifted under your invisible hold. He had to be in control, he always was.

Not once have you ever been on top of him, dominating him. But tonight, you would do whatever you wanted with him.

The burning flame of rage and desire was flickering in your mind when you ran your hand up his leg, to his torso, his chest, and finally being met with his arm that was placed near the headboard. A white hot flame.

_'All for me'_

Wrapping it around his wrist and tying it tightly, knotting it to the bed.

"That's for never fixing my wedding dress." You spat at him.

Gathering another piece of fabric and doing the same to the other wrist.

"That's for calling me pathetic."

Kylo pulled at the torn material, hating how he was vulnerable.

You smiled when you held the last piece in your hands. Getting on the bed, straddling Kylo's chest. Looking down at him and seeing how angry you had made him.

"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into angel." He said.

You leaned down close to him, bringing your lips nearly millimeters apart. 'Angel' wasn't going to work now.

"And this is for never understanding how much more powerful I am than you could ever wish to be."

Pulling away from the near kiss, and tying the last piece of fabric around his eyes. Leaving him with no vision or a sense of what you were going to do next.

Kylo was left defenseless under you. Completely clothed and emulating of supremacy; yet he was guardless. Vulnerable.

You leaned back on him, realizing how much you loved seeing him tied up. He was all yours.

You owned him tonight.

"Pretty girl," Kylo softly said, you could tell he was trying to pull you back in. "You really don't want to do this." Get you back under his control.

He could feel the raw power burning off of you. And it was one of the only things he's ever feared.

Your power.

You moved off of his waist. Farther back, near the bottom of his thighs. You pushed his robes to the side, running your hands up the leather tight pants.

Pressing hard against his new forming erection. He was always in scarcity of your sinful touch.

No matter how hard he tried to fight his urges, you somehow made it impossible.

He was throbbing under your touch. Under your raspy and demanding words. He had _liked it._ Seeing you come alive in rage and fury made him melt at your smallest of caresses.

"What are you going to do? Are you going to kill me?" You mocked, palming his length with more tension. "Are you going to be brutal to me?" Kylo was slowly beginning to pull at his restraints.

You watched in infatuation as he was resisting the most tempting, greedy, selfish pleasure there ever was to exist.

He wanted to see you, he wanted to touch you and claim you as _his_.

You lifted your hand off of the bulge in his pants, once again straddling his waist. Kylo only slightly shifted under you, he couldn't let you see how much he truly needed you.

You leaned down to his ear, your long nails tracing ever so lightly against his neck.

"I will be brutal." Your breath kissing his skin as you came close to him. "I will ruin you."

Brushing your lips against his throat.

"You have taken everything from me. Torn it to shreds and made me watch," You're dominance bleeding from your veins and mouth. "And now it's my turn. To make you wish you never pushed me to my limits, never taken my innocence, never ruined me."

You licked a long wet stripe up his neck, ending it with a bitter bite. Your long fingernails slowly begin to trace harsh red lines down the other side of his throat. Feeling how there was a guttural groan forming.

You were going to make him hurt.

For all the pain and destruction he's caused you, this was the least you could do as a sense of revenge.

He had gotten you caught in the dance of cruel romance, and you were about to show him how cruel, romance could get.

You trailed your nail across his jawline, perking his head to the side. Bringing your lips off of his neck and close to his ear. 

"Pretty boy,"

Your lewd words must have sent a jolt of lust through Kylo's blood. He had let a small variable moan escape his lips.

A sound that aroused deep into your soul. Something you became avaricious for.

You gave one last kiss to his neck, pulling off of him. Moving farther back, your backside resting on his throbbing length. Begging to be released. He was so vivacious, concupiscent.

But there were other plans in mind.

Taking off his belt and pushing his robes up, rolling his tunic and sweater with them. Revealing his toned stomach.

His hips slightly jerk up to meet you.

"So eager," You purred, your soft touch passing over the place he needed you most.

Grabbing the bottom of your shirt and pulling it over your head. Kylo heard the sound of the fabric moving against your skin and he only grew more greedy for your roaming hands.

You got off of him, pulling down your leggings and panties.

Picking up the lace fabric, walking up to Kylo and seeing how his fists clenched against the restraints. He slightly moved up, waiting for your next motive.

He needed to touch you, see you, feel you, _fuck you._

You pushed open his mouth, shoving your thin panties in between his lips. He only fought against the restraints harder.

He now knew you were standing nude before him, and there was nothing he could do. But he would be lying if he said he didn't love the lingering taste of you flicker around in his mouth.

A small smile pursed your lips as you climbed back on top of him. Your legs straddling his bare abdomen.

Leaning down on him, letting him feel how wet you were. Aroused by the thought of all the things you were going to put him through. How desirable you became.

"Oh Kylo," You mewled, doing anything you could to make this so much worse for him.

Pressing down hard against him. It felt so good, and even better when you knew how bad you were teasing him. You began to slowly move up and down against his skin.

Grinding down harshly, the feeling was like nothing you've ever felt before.

Your sensitive body doing nothing to hold back. Feeling you rock on his bare abdomen as he endured you pleasuring yourself on him.

Kylo shifted his legs behind you, pushing up.

He was the one that had to please you.

Your hand brought itself between your legs. Softly rubbing circles around your clit. Your other hand propped you up from behind. Your head falling back as a moan of pleasure left your lips.

He bucked his hips up, begging for touch, release.

Trying all he could to pull from the tightly bound fabric. Biting down hard on your panties in his mouth.

You lifted off of him, only to sink down on your fingers. A louder, lewder, moan left your lips. Pushing you open and going deep inside.

They were nothing compared to Kylo's thickness. You began to think of how hard he would be fucking you right now.

"Oh," You loudly whined.

You pushed all your ideas and fantasies to Kylo's mind. Remembering how to connect with him ever since that one night.

He saw your dreams of him tying you to a bed, teasing you relentlessly, praising you and taunting. He saw your hands pinned above you against the cold shower stone, him fucking you hard from behind; letting all the hot water roll off your skin.

Driving him wild and you so close to the edge.

He was desperate. To see you, to feel you. He needed you in this moment like he's never needed anything before.

His throbbing length growing greedier and more indigent.

When you continued to sink down on your fingers over and over again, he felt you come down on him. Only a few inches away from the begging tent that had formed in his tight pants.

Hearing muffled whimpers come from him.

"Kylo, Kylo," You panted feeling how you grew closer to release.

He saw you laid out across a cold table, your legs wrapped around his waist, pushing deep inside you as each of your clothes were moved to the side. His mask still on as he praised you through the modified vocoder. Hearing your relentless moans match up with the ones he was presently listening to.

He was doing anything he could to break free. But he just couldn't.

And he was so depleted of your touch.

Then you heard the thing that sent you over the edge. A strained groan that erupted from Kylo's throat.

You gripped down harshly to the bed sheets. Moaning out in a tone that even sounded like it escaped the cloudscape of heaven. Your legs fluttering as your breaths became stuttered.

A deep and long-awaited moan climbing its way up your throat.

Pulling your fingers from between your legs and sinking down to touch Kylo's abdomen once more. He felt how hot and wet you were and his veins were sticking out in his hands as he continued to attempt and get to you.

Severing the connection you had made with him.

You could sense how close he was, even at just the thought of him fucking you.

And then when he felt your wet cunt press down against him, he had to restrain himself from making a mess in his pants.

You yet again got off of the bed. Walking up to him, grabbing the fabric from out of his mouth.

He fluttered under your touch.

_'So so deprived and needy'_

You placed your wet fingers in his mouth. His lips wrapping around you.

He was truly at your fingertips at this point.

You owned him.

His hot tongue sliding against your skin, licking you clean. Doing all he could to get as close to you as he could.

"Swallow it." You told him.

He did as you said.

_'Perfect'_

Your fingers pulling from his mouth, the cold air now wrapping around the damp skin. Bringing them yet again to the hot touch of his neck, softly curving your nails to create crescents.

Placing a small number of wet kisses on his jaw.

"Tell me what you want," You provoked, your angelic voice catching up to the dark side. "Go ahead, tell me what you want me to do to you." Moving your harsh nails down his neck ever so daintily. Red lines arising at his skin.

Kylo was being stubborn. He was refusing to admit to the fall you had him trapped in.

He only gave you an annoyed deep breath, pulling at the restraints, his fists clenching.

You deviously smiled, leaning up from him. Slowly walking back down to where the bulge in his pants were.

"Don't be so perverse," Your hand trailing down his chest. " _Ben._ "

And at that call of his name he tugged hard.

"Don't," He gritted his teeth. "Call me that."

If only he could see how evil and vengeful you looked. Your fingers lining in the hem of his pants, pulling them down. His hips moving to relieve the tension he was feeling.

"I'll call you whatever the fuck I want to."

His throbbing cock finally being released as you pulled down his pants far enough. Kylo immediately bit air through his lips.

The desire in between your thighs blooming yet again.

You wrapped your dainty fingers around his thick length. Loving how he twitched even at your slightest touch. Tracing up his shaft and feeling how the veins curved around your hand.

Rubbing your thumb over the leaked pre cum. How hard and needy he was. Bucking his hips slightly up to meet your touch.

Bringing your thumb to your lips and licking it clean of the salty taste of him. Pulling from your mouth with a wet pop.

Another groan left him.

Spitting on your hand and then wrapping around his length yet again. Watching how his head fell back and his mouth was left agape.

Pulling up and down. Jerking him off as his fists clenched.

"You took everything from me." You were hostile.

Gripping hard around him and going faster. He brought his head back up at your voice, you could tell his brows were furrowed at the aching pleasure.

"Ruined everything." No longer focusing on his throbbing cock but his reaction.

Kylo's hips continued to jerk into your hand, your voice was something that sounded so perfect to him. But he could never tell you how much it meant to him.

He wished he still had something in his mouth to bite down in, something to subdue his moans.

It was all too much for him.

Your hand going harder on him.

"Tell me you love me." You finally spat out.

You wanted him to admit to loving you, and if he didn't, things would be getting so much worse for him.

He only let out a strained whimper.

His rough hands clenching together and pulling against the headboard. To at least grab on to something as his climax was approaching.

"Say it. Say you love me!" You had an evil undertone.

Going harder, and harder on him. Until finally you got something out of him.

"No!" Kylo yelled back.

_'It was true,'_

But, you didn't know, didn't know how scared he was to admit he did.

You eased up on him, pulling your other hand into view. Using your transparent strength to tear off the blindfold.

His eyes adjusting to the change of lighting as he continued to pursue his own length into your hand.

"I want you to watch when I ruin you." Your voice erupted in the room. It sounded broken.

Your other hand reaching for his belt. Grabbing the hilt of his lightsaber. A dark look in your eye.

Kylo was overcome with the sense of fear and desire. Sadness and greediness.

Only you could make him feel all those things at once. If only you knew how deeply he felt for you.

You tugged you're hand at his length, passing your thumb over his swollen tip, his brows furrowing in pleasure as he watched you.

Twisting the hilt of his saber in your other hand.

"Put that down angel," He pleaded talking about the deadly lightsaber in your hand.

"Shut up."

Kylo tugged at the handmade confines. His head falling back as you gripped hard at his throbbing length.

Moans were now passing his lips at each one of your pulls. It was such a sight to see.

He was flustered red with desire and a pale blue of vulnerability cascading around him. Your soft hand jerking at his cock as he thrusted into your grasp.

"Tell me that you love me! Tell me this is more than the title!" You screamed out.

Tears were forming in your eyes at the thought of him saying 'no' yet again.

He wanted to say he loved you, that there was more, but he didn't want to let you down. If he admitted to loving you, he became yours as well. And even he knew he didn't deserve you.

"No!" His deep voice sounded desperate.

You watched as he was growing closer and closer to his climax. He was close and you were going to ruin it.

Passing your thumb yet again over his needy tip. His fingers burrowed nail marks into his hands. A deep groan. You went harder.

And then right when he was about to cum in your hand, you let go. Igniting his lightsaber.

His hot white ropes of cum landing on his thighs and abdomen as you ruined his climax, giving him nothing to chase his high with. A long and deep groan filled the walls of your quarters.

Then you brought the burning flame to the side of his stomach. Singing lightly at his skin.

"All I've ever wanted is for you to love me!" Your tears eyes yet again making an appearance.

Kylo yelled out in pain as you passed the saber over him.

"I believed that there was still a small chance that you'd actually give a shit about me, even though I have your voice stuck in my head!" Looking deep into his eyes as you gritted your teeth in anger. "You remind me every day that I mean nothing to you! But I loved you and I never stopped!"

The sound of your rages voice pairing with Kylo's screams of anguish all with the underlying sound of the lightsaber blaze burning up the side of Kylo's chest and stomach.

"I love you even though you're a murderous monster and an evil man! I loved you when you were Ben and I loved you when you were Kylo! And all I want-" Your stuttered voice falling wistful as your strength was diminishing. "And all I want is for you to be mine and love me."

The red blaze spewed down and you let go of the forceful restraint on his wrists holding the fabric so tight to the headboard.

His side was red with blood much like yours was. But his was no where near as bad as yours.

Dropping his lightsaber to the ground as you walked up to face him. Your tear stained skin glowing with gloom.

"I just wish you would've had the guts to kill me that night, being dead is far better than having to live with a man as vengeful and hateful as you. And knowing I love you for all you are is one of the worst things I've ever felt."

Kylo lost feeling of the pain on his side, he could only focus on you.

He felt horrible. Yet again turning you closer to the eyes of all the darkness. You didn't deserve to face it alone.

He sat up slightly in the bed, going to say something. But his own nerves got to him, he fell silent.

He was scared. He was worried. He was sad. He was _lost_.

You only let out a scoff as you saw his reaction. Nodding your head slightly, small tears falling from your eyes.

You saw a man that didn't love you. Didn't truly care for you. He was the one that was twisting your mind to fit him, he had ruined you, destroyed you, broken you and left you to fix it yourself. You saw the one thing in the galaxy you would sell your soul for, search the galaxy for, _go crazy for._ And it meant nothing to him.

He saw a woman he loved with all of his being. Would kill for, spend his life fighting for. She was the one thing in the entire galaxy that he could ever see himself loving. He wanted to lay in flower fields with her and watch as that perfect smile formed on her face. He wanted to see her happy again. And yet he was the one pulling her deep into the pit of darkness.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You were in the wardrobe of the second master room.

Since Kylo destroyed yours, the two of you would be staying in the next largest room for the night.

Neither of you have said a word to each other since you last confessed everything to him.

It didn't take Kylo long to bandage himself up, the burns weren't nearly as bad as your were. He was sitting near the large window much like the one on Starkiller.

You pulled the silk nightgown over your head. It was a deep red. Feeling smooth against your skin.

Walking out of the large closet, viewing Kylo's lightsaber on the desk. It was the one thing you learned to fear the sound of, the fiery color of, the heat of.

Your feet bringing you to it. Tracing your fingers over the dips and curves of its hilt.

_'I wonder how many people this thing has hurt'_

Grasping it in your hand. Silently walking to where Kylo was. Not acknowledging him as you stared out the window, out into all the stars.

He was placed comfortably on the seating that was arranged before the glass. Looking at how fragile you appeared.

If only you would have let him take it all away.

He wanted to get up and hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. That you were going to be okay. That he was done hurting you in the midst of his own anger. He would be yours as you were his. He w-

"Kylo." Your voice broke his thought.

His heart beat an extra beat when he heard you.

"Yes?" He sounded soft.

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we never met?" You tried to think back to the night the two of you met. But you couldn't think of it. You couldn't hear it in your mind or see it when you closed your eyes, but you could feel it. Remember how you felt the night you met.

Happy. Nervous. In love.

You knew you loved him two seconds after you saw him.

Kylo replied back, a heartbreaking tone to hear.

"No."

"I do. I wonder if I would still be so Force Sensitive or if I would have lived on Chandrila for as long as I could. If I would have a family, together." Your mind resting a moment longer on the word 'together'.

"And then I wonder," You began to say. "I wonder what it would have been like if you killed me that night. How all of those people wouldn't be dead. All those horrifying stories and tales would never have to be told. How you could remain the Emperor with no Empress ever needed. How- How you could maybe be happier with a better woman than I am. A stronger one with more will inside of her. One that could deal with all of your moods and your bursts of anger." You let out. Still gazing out into the stars.

Kylo's heart twisted. An evil feeling.

There wasn't a woman in the galaxy better than you. Stronger than you. Prettier than you. He knew as a fact that another woman could never top your perfection.

He just didn't know how to handle you too well and that was his downfall.

You turned the lightsaber in your hand. Looking at how painful this weapon could be.

"I wonder what it would have felt like if you killed me that night." Your eyes low and heavy.

Bringing it to your chest. Gripping the hilt tightly as the blade emitter touched against your skin.

Kylo pushed from his seating. Pulling the lightsaber from your hand, just before the fiery blaze pierced through your chest.

He spewed down the blade and let it fall to the ground, gripping you in his hands.

You cried out. Trying to get away from him.

You wanted to be free of this pain. You wanted to end it all and escape this horrid reality you were living in.

"Please Kylo!" You screamed. Falling to the ground as he held you tight. "Please just let me make it go away!"

Kylo held you closer to him than he ever has before. Burrowing his face in the crook of your neck as you were in the ground in front of him.

He wouldn't know what to do if you had died. He would no longer have a reason to be good. He would no longer have a reason to live himself.

You were the moon and the sun and all of the stardust to him. There wasn't enough room in the galaxy to hold all of his love for you.

"I just want to be okay!" You yelled out, tears falling from your eyes harder than they ever have before.

Your head hurt.   
Everything hurt.

_'Please make it go away'_

"Please," Your sobs filling the room. Your hands gripping on to Kylo's that held around your chest.

Then you felt something you never thought you would feel. A wet feeling in the crook of your neck.

He was crying, breaking down as he made sure to keep you close to him.

"D-Don't," He stuttered, his lips quivering. "Don't ever leave me. Please don't go." He cried.

You felt your heart flutter.

"Kylo it hurts," You mourned. "It hurts and I don't want it to anymore."

He gathered up all of his courage. He was a brave and strong man but he never thought of himself as a man that could say this.

"I love you and I don't want you to go. I love you so much and I never know how to say it. I want to be yours and I want to be the one to treat you right and give you everything but I never knew how. I just want you here with me."

Your heart shined brighter. He loved you.

Kylo Ren loves you.

"Please just-" He stuttered once more. "Please don't go."

You sniffled. Leaning your head back into his shoulder.

_'He loves me'_

"When you tell me you love me, you have to mean it. And mean it forever." You quietly said.

He pulled you closer to him.

"I mean it and I've always meant it and I never want to not mean it. I love you and I always will."

_'He loves me'_  
  
  
  


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_hello angels !!! I wanted to know if there is any requests or anything you guys are hoping to see in the upcoming chapters, don't be afraid to let me know, I love hearing your ideas !!_  
_Xoxo I love you and #fuck12_  
_[ Friday the 29th - 5:04 am ]_


	17. - papillion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ "𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗞𝘆𝗹𝗼, 𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆." 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗱, 𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝘀𝗼𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings  
> \- gore
> 
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡ ˚❃  
> ┊ ┊ ┊ ✿  
> ┊ ┊ ❁⋆   
> ┊ ๑ ┊  
> ✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.  
>  ˚✽

seventeen - papillion ( butterfly )

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Mariners Apartment Complex - Lana

\- "I fucked up, I know that, but Jesus

Can't a girl just do the best she can?"

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-ˋˏ ⁰₁₇ ˎˊ-

_SITTING_ in the center living room of his Command Shuttle, piecing together your new lightsaber. You sat there with your legs crossed, leaning down in front of you. Your fingers working glamorously to put together your desired weapon.

The trip Kylo was taking you on was one to retrieve your new Kyber Crystal. The planet Lothal, was a far ways away. Located on the frontier of the Outer Rim.

So you had time to spare, but it never took you long to piece together your lightsaber. You had spent extra time on your old weapon when you originally made it, the first to put one together out of all the students.

You were going to make this one different. Not just another normal lightsaber. It gave your mind something to focus on other than your emotions.

Kylo sat across from you, watching intently. Ever since you nearly managed to harm yourself, he has been hyper aware of all your moods

And to blankly put it, you felt wore out. There was much more weighing on your bones than just the desire to have Kylo say he loves you.

There was much more eating away at your soul. Your happiness. You just wanted to go back to Etheiphus, you're only truly happy when you're there.

But you felt as if your current emotions were wearing you down.

Feeling numb to the point you rarely talked anymore.

Now and then Kylo could get a few words from you. But not very often.

He tries very hard. He tries to do small things he knows you like. Even offering to braid your hair for you after you got out of the shower one night.

But to no avail. You had only replied to him with a simple head shake 'no'. It was silent, yet he could see the way your eyes trailed off and stayed low.

You were still hurting.

And he couldn't do anything about it. He was trying so hard.

He's trying and doing his best. He is still attempting to remember what it was like loving someone.

You knew he was trying. Very thankful for it as well, but there are just somethings he can't help you with.

Your mind was deteriorating away, yet again.

It had been often in the last few days that you would get sick. Much like when you saw that figure, that shadow, that brought you sick to your stomach.

It would come randomly, sporadic times of nausea. And whenever you would rush to the refresher, Kylo was close by your side.

Either holding your hair softly in his hands or curving small circles in the dip of your back.

Most of the words he had gotten out of you were just a small "Thank you," after he would help you.

It happened so often to the point he was beginning to think it was more than just how your stability was diminishing.

Kylo was watching how you were engulfed in focus. So he though it a good time to get up and make you tea. Lavender was what you commonly had. Your favorite was called "Formosa Pearl" and it came from a rare type of leaf only found on certain planets in certain climates.

And as somewhat as a truce, he had a small package of it delivered in with the other shipments to the Finalizer a few weeks ago.

Wanting to save it for when he thought you would need it most. There wasn't much of it, so he had been preserving it.

You slightly looked up at Kylo as he got from his seat. Walking to the small kitchen nook. Moving your eyes back to focus on the wires of your saber.

A few minutes later, he came back with a steaming cup in his hands. He set it down and stood next to your seating.

He ran his fingers through your hair, leaning down and giving your temple a soft kiss.

"It's the Formosa you like," He said.

He was doing anything to get a reaction out of you. He just wanted to see something other than numbness.

The longer he went without it, the more he realized how much he missed hearing your voice. Seeing your smile. Or the ambrosial way you would play with your fingers.

He was finally able to love everything about you, and bathe in the feeling of loving you. It felt as if it was a bath of golden honey, thick and prominent. It was sweet and there was a certain stickiness about it.

His adoration to you forever sticking to him.

And he loved that he was drowning you in his admiration. But it nearly hurt him when you had no reaction to it.

Your fingers continuing to work on the black metal, a slight curvature on the ends of your lips as you softly smiled. Leaning into Kylo's hand that was grazing through your hair.

That seemed to be the most you could do at this point.

Numbness left you emotionless and emotionless left you empty. And you weren't about to let years and years of fighting for Kylo's love go unnoticed.

But even just showing him those small moments of feeling were the most you could give.

"Thank you," Your voice was hoarse and dry, clearly showing how many hours you've gone without speaking.

And time stood still again. Going back to him sitting across from you, silent, no energy in the air. Your fingers continuing to piece together the lightsaber.

But then a surge of nausea hit you.

It came in an instant and unnoticed. The horrid feeling of it tempting in the back of your throat made you quickly get up. Running to the small refresher.

Kylo had gotten used to the routine. You would only react in a way like this when you were going to get sick. So he followed, hoping to comfort you.

He has been insatiable for you lately. Doing anything to stay close to you, touch you, just being in the same room as you was enough for him.

When your knees folded to the ground and you got sick, your hair fell in your face.

But you didn't feel the warm hand on your back, or the way your hair would softly be pulled up.

The foul and sour feeling of throwing up had hit you once more. Just thankful that it was finally over with when it was. You leaned back on your feet when you were done. Pushing your hands through your hair.

Kylo was leaning against the doorway, a clear look of worry on his face. Confusion, worry, heartache.

After a few long seconds of deep breathing, trying to regain composure, you weakly stood from the ground. Your legs faltering once you got up.

Grabbing a hold of the glass cup Kylo had put by the sink so you could rinse your mouth out.

You heard him sigh.

"I don't know if we should go to Lothal." He quietly said.

Your brows furrowed slightly in confusion. Taking the small bit of water in your mouth, rinsing out the lingering taste.

"Why?" Your voice shaky.

"You're getting sick often, I think we should go back to The Finalizer and see if anything's, happening," He replied.

You leaned down slightly to spit the water out again.

"What are you insinuating?" Asking with a bit more confidence in your tone.

Looking over at how Kylo had his arms crossed, eyes softer than the largest of clouds.

"I just think we should go back to Medical for a checkup. I don't want you going out if you're not fit to at the moment."

You knew what he was getting at. But you wanted to hear him say it.

"Kylo. . . I'm not going back. Not unless you tell me what you're trying to say." You walked past him and back out into the living area.

But he grabbed your waist and pulled you to him.

"Please," He even sounded soft. "I don't want, you, to get hurt." A bit of a stutter on the word 'you'.

"I'm not going to get hurt. And I'm not going back unless you tell me what you mean." Looking up at him.

Kylo bit the inside of his lip as he contemplated saying what he thought was happening. A part of him hoped his idea was right, then a part of him scared if it was.

He didn't know how to say it. Didn't know how to ask.

"I'm fine. Really. You don't need to worry about it. I promise." You assured, placing your hand on his chest, leaning up to kiss the side of his cheek.

He gave you a half positive nod, letting his hold on your waist ease. Releasing you from his grasp as you walked back to your seating.

You went to go sit back down, but then that same feeling came back. Not even making it a full three steps out of the refresher.

Kylo was on the ground with you this time. Holding your hair up and lightly tracing across your spine.

Looking at you with a worriedly gaze.

You fell back into him when you were done. Leaning into his grasp and letting his arms close around you.

His hands wrapping from your waist, until his palms were at the bottom of your belly.

And you could feel what he wanted to say, what he wanted to ask, what he was so worried and protective over. You knew the answer to what he wanted to say, but you just had to gather the courage to tell him.

"Please." He asked once more.

You shook your head no against his chest. "No," You mumbled. "I don't want to."

Kylo sighed again.

"But you're sick. What if you're- what if-" He stuttered until the word, but couldn't say it.

You placed your hands on the ground, standing up and brushing off your clothes.

He was being so gentle with you, so protective and cautious. You loved it. But you didn't want to keep him hanging on to you for the wrong reason.

"This happens when I'm stressed, overworked, it's nothing. I just need to calm down. I'm not what you think I am Kylo." You said, your fingers wrapping around the stone countertops.

He got up soon after you, yet again curving his hands to fit in the small of your belly. He didn't want you to be out of his grasp for too long.

"But we don't know that-"

"Yeah, we, clearly don't know that. I know that. I know." You cut him off.

You wanted him to confess to what he was thinking but he couldn't. Even the thought of admitting it yourself made you feel, morose, to say the very least. It made your soul feel dense and deep.

"What if you are!" He yelled back.

It wasn't a yell of aggression, but of worry.

"Say it! What do you think I am!" You shouted.

Putting aside all of his fears. He said it.

"What if you're pregnant!"

And the sound of the word made your heart shudder.

Recently, you've been having dreams of what you expected to be your son. Yet again, not sure of your thoughts. You couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. But the idea of you actually having a son, not remembering him, and knowing how his fate ended, twisted your heart and soul into a nasty feeling.

"Kylo," You turned around facing him. "I'm not. And I know I'm not." You placed your hand on his chest, rubbing your fingers up gently to his shoulder.

"But- why can't we just go back and chec-"

"Please trust me, I know I'm not." You said with a soft tone.

Kylo let out a musing huff of air, his eyes mellowing and looking at you. He wanted to make 100% sure if you were or weren't.

If you were, and something happened on Lothal, he had that weight on his shoulders of losing another child, and, and that broke him harder than anyone would have expected.

"I pinkie promise I'll be okay and to tell you if I think anything is happening." You sweetly said, holding your pinky out for him.

He had a small smile on his face, your calm angelic voice bringing his anxiety down.

He met his pinky with yours, pulling and promising.

"And you have to lock it." He said.

You pressed your thumbs together. His gloved fingers touching to yours.

"And lock it." You smiled.

Both of you walked out of the refresher, his hand on the small of your back as he followed you.

Sitting back down, crossing your legs in the chair and picking up your double-bladed lightsaber.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It was near to what you normally assumed as nightfall, and this time the nausea was staying.

It didn't just happen in a quick instant and go away like normal, but you were laying in bed trying to get the feeling to go away.

You had on one of Kylo's undershirts. When you would get the chills it would be easy to pull over your legs, and when you were hot it was thin enough to cool you down.

The covers of the bed were thrown all about. You would kick them off of you, pull them back up, turn around in them.

Kylo came back in and crouched down in front of you.

His gloved hand came up to caress the side of your face. You opened your shut eyes at his touch.

"I think we're going to go back, okay? You're not doing well angel," His other hand moving over your abdomen yet again.

You pouted as your loathing only became worse. Shaking your head no and letting out whimpers.

"I'm alright," You silently protested.

Kylo's fingers pushed through your hair slightly.

"No, I don't think you're alright." He replied.

'But I think I am'

"Please, please don't make me go back. If we go back now it'll just be another four day trip. Isn't there a small city on Lothal anyway? Just take me there if you're that concerned." Only mustering up the strength in words to bicker with him.

Kylo contemplates your idea.

And— he saw your point.

"Well then you have to at least try and eat something," He watched as your eyes closed again, he knew how sick you felt. "You haven't eaten anything since last night's dinner."

Kylo got back up, and you instantly missed the warmth of his hands.

It had been several more minutes of you writhing around in bed. Kicking the covers off but pulling his sweater over your legs.

You had your face burrowed in your hands, resting on his side of the bed now.

You pulled a blanket over you. Feeling a rush of chills cover your skin.

He came back in, but you only noticed when he softly pressed at your back.

"You need to come eat."

Continuing to let out small whimpers as the nausea got worse and worse. You felt his hand on your tailbone move down to the back of your knees, his other hand at the top of your spine.

He picked you up into his arms, walking to the small living area. The blanket still wrapped around you.

Kylo sat down, you were curled up in his lap, resting your head on his shoulder. Softly rubbing your fingers over the fabric of his robes.

Doing anything to get your mind off of how you felt.

"Can you try and eat something for me please?" His deep and coarse voice asked.

You shook your head no.

It felt like you would get sick the second you put anything in your mouth.

"Stop being stubborn,"

He reached over to the end table, keeping one hand around you. He had a warm bowl of soup for you.

"I am not stubborn!" You glowered. "You-You are stubborn."

Your face pressing against him as was holding the food for you.

"But I know I'm stubborn, you don't, so that at least makes me less stubborn than you," He teased.

You opened your eyes slightly and let out a faint scoff.

"MaKes ME LeSs StubBorN ThaN YOu." You mocked in a tuned out voice.

Kylo softly smiled, even when you felt this horrible, you still had that moxie about you.

"Open." He said.

Rolling your eyes you opened your mouth, the spoonful of soup being met with your tongue. Swallowing the food against your best efforts to protest.

You spent the next few long minutes in his lap as he fed you, hoping to get you to feel better.

But he knew there was no use trying to continue when you pushed his hand away. The next big wave of sickness hitting you.

He picked you back up, this time walking to the refresher. There was only a shower, no bath, so he instead sat you on the counter, and got the shower water ready.

"I don't wanna stand," You mumbled.

Kylo pulled off his glove, being sure it was your desired temperature. Walking over to you and pulling off the blanket.

"It'll make you feel better, I promise, pretty girl." Softly kissing your cheek.

You watched as he got undressed, bringing his hands to the bottom of the sweater you had on, and taking it off. Leaving each of you exposed.

"Come on," He said, grabbing your hand and waist.

He let you get in first, his chest pressing to your back as the hot water hit you. Being sure to help hold you up.

The shower water hit just below your neck, trailing down the rest of your skin. Enveloping you in its warmth.

His bare hands smoothed over your belly yet again. Your fingers intertwined with his.

"We're going to Medical when we first can." Kylo pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

He couldn't let the idea go.

You just shrugged against him.

"Just because your pull out game is weak, doesn't mean I'm pregnant," You mumbled.

His other hand was raking the water over your hair. Slightly laughing to himself at your teasing.

"But the fact you're getting sick all the time might be." The shampoo now being combed through. The excess soap sliding down your skin and against Kylo's.

You muttered something to yourself under your breath.

There were a few more beats of silence. His fingers grazed against your scalp until the soap was set in. Your feet shifting as you just wanted to lay back down.

Kylo turned you around, the hot water raining over your hair.

His hand was on the small of your back while the other one pushed out the shampoo. Being sure to not get any in your eyes or on your face.

Your hips and lower abdomen were pressed close to him, your feet continue to falter as your fingers gripped onto his arm. Your back arched slightly so the water could rinse off of you. 

Looking up at how Kylo was focused on making sure you were comfortable.

His hand squeezed out the water of your hair. The sound of the loud drops hitting the bottom of the shower echoed through the walls.

Just soaking in the fact his skin was against yours. So close and warm. He was really there with you.

He noticed how you were gazing at him, looking down to meet your view.

"What?" He asked.

You pulled your arms around him.

"I love you a lot." You said.

Kylo softly smiled. Leaning down and kissing the top of your head.

"I love you a lot too." He said.

All the shampoo was rinsed out of your hair, so he turned you back around. You let your head rest against his shoulder. Leaning back into him as his hands were on your waist.

The more you focused on his touch, the less you seemed to notice the nausea.

Kylo's large fingers slowly trailing up the curves of your waist and hips. Dipping in and out of your cellulite seams.

He loved how every ellipse and contour of your body was built like it was made for him. He loved it.

You let out an airy whimper as his hand trailed up and in between your sternum, the other one softly holding your neck.

"I can make you feel better angel," His voice close to your ear.

You pushed your backside against him, silently begging for more. At every single caress or stroke of his fingers the sickness felt like it was diminishing. Only focusing on him. Feeling him.

They trailed away from your sternum, down your stomach, in between your legs.

Pushing harder against him as he found just the right spot already.

"That's it," Kylo whispered in your ear. "Good girl,"

His two fingers slowly rolling in circles right between your thighs. Flutters of butterflies in your chest, overtaking the nausea.

He pressed harsh kisses on the side of your face, your head still resting against his shoulder. His hot hand wrapped softly around your neck.

You squirmed under his touch wanting him to go faster.

"You like that? Hm?" His fingers sliding deeper down, teasing your entrance.

You nodded 'yes'.

"Mhmm," You moaned.

He pulled away circling yet again between your thighs. Harder and harder.

His hand feeling your throat let out the loud moan. You were so enveloped in the feeling, it was becoming too much too soon. Focusing on only that. Nothing else mattered.

Applying an even more forceful pressure. He went faster any time you would moan for him.

As if it were a reward.

"You look so gorgeous like this princess,"

Your hand held at his wrist not wanting him to stop. He kept going harder and faster.

Eyes harshly closing shut as you let out a loud moan. Back arching off of his chest as he made you ride out your high.

Soon pulling away his hands from you, gripping your waist once more. Still letting soft and heavenly whimpers fall from between your lips.

"My Angel." Kylo smiled kissing your temple. Your chest panting.

He leaned down so he was in the crook of your neck. That seemed to be the place he always wanted to go; close to you, holding you, your heartbeat easy to hear and feel. It was when the idea of you really being there set in.

The rest of the night was easy. He cleaned you up, taking a few extra moments so you could let the water fall over you two.

The loathing was still there, but it wasn't as bad as before. So you were able to go to be eventually.

It was what you assumed to be the middle of the night, and you woke up. Kylo's arm draped over you as he was as close to you as possible.

But with the sudden urge you pushed him off of you and ran to the refresher. Finally being able to get rid of that horrible nauseating feeling.

It took Kylo a lot to finally get to sleep, and once he was, he was out. You could shake him and try to get him up and he wouldn't budge.

And once you rinsed your mouth out, you peered out the doorway and into the hallway leading to your room.

He was still asleep, his arm draped over the empty spot you would be.

But once you had gotten sick, you didn't feel that tired any longer. It woke you up to say the least.

So you pulled your robe tighter over yourself, walking to where the one pilot was.

It was sectioned off from your and Kylo's part of the ship, so when you walked in it was kind of a shock to him.

He looked back when he heard the large black door slide open, seeing you emerge he straightened his back.

"Empress," His head bowed to you as you sat in the pilot chair next to him.

You nodded back, never really seeing the need for your formality. People would bow to you, but not to Kylo.

"So, where did Ren tell you to land the ship?" You asked.

Whenever you were talking about him, it didn't seem right to call him Kylo in discussion. Only calling him that when you were with him.

"-29.52974, 24.52815. It is in the boarding bay of the city, near the medical center." He replied.

"Can you change that for me?" Your head tilting and a small smile on your face. "I promise Ren won't hurt you, blame me for it."

The pilot was contemplating his choices.

Get killed by The Supreme Leader for disobeying his orders. Or. Get killed by The Empress for disobeying her orders.

And to say the least, he was more frightened of you than he was of your Emperor.

The way you presented yourself showed you were still human. When Kylo presented himself, he was seen as a fit of rage and temper.

The fact you were evil and showed it, was for more menacing than Kylo could ever be.

"Yes Empress, where to?"

"-49.16, 68.81."

It was in an empty field, far from the city. It was near the fallen Jedi Temple, but also covered by flower fields.

Hoping the gorgeous lively fields would brighten your diminishing mood. You just had to get off this ship. Constantly hovering in space, never getting fresh air.

That's why you always protested so hard when Kylo wanted you to leave Starkiller and stay permanently on The Finalizer.

But even you grew to love the frigid snow.

After getting the pilot to change the landing coordinates, you went back past the door. Kylo was still sleeping, but you could see how he pulled his arm close to himself as if you were there. You would've gotten back in bed with him, but you didn't have the urge to sleep.

Instead, you picked out one of the books you brought, and sat down to read in the living area.

Around two hours passed, and you heard shifting in your bedroom. Blankets moving around and then you just heard mumbled words.

Then softly, you heard your name.

Looking up from your book you listened as your name got louder, but it was in a sense of worry. Standing from your seat to check on Kylo.

Before you had the chance to walk back to your room, he was met with you.

He looked afraid to say the least.

"Where'd- where'd you go?" He asked, the coarseness of his voice showing through.

"I just got sick and I couldn't really fall asleep." You replied back.

He tightly hugged you.

He thought you left again.

"Why didn't you get me up?" Holding on to your shoulders.

"I tried to, that's what I've been doing for the last two hours."

Kylo's brows furrowed and he felt guilty. You playfully smiled and leaned up to kiss him.

"I'm kidding, I just know how hard it is for you to sleep sometimes. I didn't want to wake you up." Running your fingers through his hair.

He kept his hand on the small of your back.

"Can you come back to bed with me?"

You nodded your head 'yes'.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"Why are we landing here?" Kylo's voice was modified from the mask. Looking out the front window of the ship and seeing an empty field no where near where he wanted to go.

"I told him to land here," You smiled turning around.

The flowers and greenery were flowing about as the Command Shuttle landed. Kylo was, to say easily, angry. He told you that you were going to Medical when you first could. And you still managed to defy even his most simplest of requests.

He had taken his mask off when he realized he wouldn't be in civilization, walking down the boarding ramp with you glowing by his side.

Smiling brightly looking at the colorful flowers before you. Glancing at Kylo and seeing how he was back to his brooding self.

You rolled your eyes, your dress and cape flowing in the wind as you ran ahead of him. Turning around with your arms out. Stepping on multiple plants anywhere you tried to go.

He stopped, crossing his arms looking at you. All he wanted from you was to at least let him take you to Medical.

"Come on! When was the last time you actually went out an-"

Kylo watched as you seemed to fall back, tumbling down as if the ground had fallen from underneath you. His heart dropped hearing your terrified scream cut off your own sentence.

He ran over to where you once were, seeing you at the bottom of the perennial field. Your black dress flowing out around you, the only darkness in all of the hills.

He rushed down to you, seeing how you were lying on your stomach, lifeless.

He quickly knelt down, falling to your side. Gripping the fabric of your clothes and saying your name as if he was trying to wake you up.

He heard nothing.

Panic set in, now yelling out your name as he rolled you over to your back. And he knew what you had done once he saw the devious smile on your face.

You laughed, completely and utterly surprised that your plan worked.

"Angel you can't do that to me." Kylo sighed.

Relieved you were okay, annoyed you teased him. You rolled your eyes and tugged at his robes, pulling him down with you.

Laying in a field of flowers, the hot sun beating down on you and your black clothes not helping. The air smelled sweet.

"You said we could go to Medical, and we're not even near the city." Kylo groaned.

"Actually, we came here to get my Kyber crystal, not to go to Medical. If I thought it was as big of a deal as you're making it, I would let you take me there."

He just rolled his eyes.

You climbed on top of Kylo's waist. Watching how he loved seeing you on him. His hands holding the tops of your thighs. The breeze flowing your cape back, small bits of pollen could be seen sticking to the black fabric.

You leaned down so your head was resting on his shoulder, the small gust of wind giving each of you the coolness your body desired. Laying on him for a few seconds before lifting your head up, kissing him softly.

"I pinkie-promised remember?" You said sitting all the way back up.

Kylo gave you an exaggerated nod, closing his eyes.

"I remember."

Your fingers placed on his chest as you spent a few more seconds in silence. Taking in the moment.

It had been years and years since you last laid in a bed of flowers with Kylo. Under the sun or stars. In a field of tulips or pansies. With Ben or Kylo. Happy and peaceful.

The flowers that seemed to surround you were that of Phlox, Echinacea, and Lanta. Their sweet and aromatic smell filling the humid air around you.

You and Kylo looked to the side, seeing two butterflies dancing around on the purple flowers. Their wings fluttering and drifting with one another.

They were a soft blue, and seemed to be glowing brighter than anything else, even if it was early in the sun shining day.

The butterflies grew closer to the two of you, one landing near your hand on Kylo's chest, the other one landing on your shoulder. Their wings slowly flickering up and down.

He smiled, placing his finger near the one on your shoulder, the aphid calmly fluttered to his gloved hand. He took it slowly, placing the butterfly on your nose. It's wings flattening out.

You softly laughed as it tickled your peach fuzz. Kylo had a peaceful smile on his face, seeing how happy you were. They soon flew away together, gamboling and flouncing as if there wasn't a care in the galaxy.

"I know what white butterfly's mean, but I wonder what blue ones mean." You asked.

Kylo nodded, turning his head back to face you.

"Come on, I know how to get to the old temple from here." He said as you climbed off of him.

Each of you standing yet again. Walking through the fields and to wherever he was taking you. He had your cape draped over his arm since you complained about being too hot.

You thought to yourself, if he was ever going to let the idea of you being pregnant go. It was very very unlikely you were, and your constant denial of it made it seem even more unlikely to you. But maybe all the denial was in your head.

You wondered if Kylo would be excited if you actually were. He seemed like he would be.

Or maybe, he just wanted you to get checked out so bad so he could finally have a reason to have you locked away in your quarters, not being able to leave him.

But- he even said that you would have to eventually have his children. For The First Order of course, to continue the Sith bloodline, nothing more than that.

He was very protective of you recently, possessive.

And you knew it was because he thought you had fallen pregnant, he was sure you were, but would never really admit that to you.

You began to think what he would do if he found out your secret. The one thing you would always be forever scared to tell him.

Would he be mad? Would he be excited or joyful? Do you think he would leave The First Order to stay with you? Would he love your secret as much as you did? Would he be appeased to find out that he had a d-

"Do you have your lightsaber with you?" His voice cutting off your thought.

It took you a quick second to grasp your focus back to reality.

"Yep." You replied.

Kylo held his hand out so he could see it.

You pushed aside the long slit in your dress, a holster at the top of your thigh, gripping on to the hilt and taking it off. Handing the incomplete weapon to him. Your dress falling back into place around your leg.

Kylo looked at you with a "you really put it there?" look on his face.

"I don't have a belt that goes with this dress." You reidorated to his silent judging.

He shook his head amazed at your lack of propensity towards his possessiveness of others seeing you like that.

"When it actually comes time for you to use this," He held out your lightsaber, "You are not exhibiting yourself like that." He motioned to how you had made the deep red lace and leather holster.

You pulled your dress aside again, revealing the entirety of your leg and nearly your hip bone at how high the slit went.

"Do you not like it?" You pouted dramatically.

"I don't like other people getting to see it on you."

You pulled your hand away from holding the fabric up, Kylo's eyes only averting away from you when you did that. That sternness and faint hostility back in his voice. He really, didn't like anyone else being able to view you that way.

"Why not? Where's the fun in refusing to taunt and tease people with a prize they could never have?"

"Because you're taunting and teasing me when you do it."

You let out a load and dramatic groan, and that didn't sit well with him.

"Don't be a brat." He sternly said.

"I won't ever do it again," Your fingers frailing out as both of you stopped walking. "Please don't be mad at me, I'm sorry Daddy." You had an exaggerated pouty face, batting your eyelashes. Knowing exactly what you were doing to him.

Kylo tilted his head, lowering his eyes and looking at you.

"Don't- Ever call me that ever again in the entirety of our future together."

You smiled seeing his flustered reaction. You were definitely going to call him that again.

The two of you began walking again after you had gotten the final laugh in the argument.

He held your lightsaber up, examining it since he never had seen the finished project. He was confused at how it looked. There were two similar hilts, beside each other.

You gripped it out of his hand, and in one quick seize, the two separate hilts folded out into one long one, showing how it would be double-bladed. He tilted his head in perplexity of how you managed to do that.

Handing it back to him.

He admired the deep black metal, veins of a thin gold bloodline rushing through the dips of your hilt. It looked like something that could only be held in the hands of an Empress.

Kylo looked up and saw a deep and dark cave a few meters ahead of you two.

"Let's go." He said, giving you back your lightsaber.

You shook your head no.

"I'm not going in there, what if there's a Loth Wolf in there."

He gripped your hand pulling you with him closer to the entrance.

"There isn't a Loth Wolf in here."

You went alongside him, doubting the probability you would be alone in there.

"I don't want to go in there, we don't know if it's in there or not!"

"I promise there isn't princess." He mocked your fear.

Entering the dark cave.

"It's Empress." You said yet again to his new pet-name for you.

The sound of his lightsaber blazing to life made you grip onto his hand tighter. Still not over the chaotic sound of it.

Deeper and deeper into the dark cave, humidity flows in the air. You had put your cape back on, feeling bad for making Kylo carry it.

The deeper you went, the closer you heard a faint whirring of your long awaited crystal. It was calling to you, leading you to it. And the more you focus on it's sound, the redder the fire inside you gets.

It was calling to the darkness in you.

Kylo could feel it inside you. He could feel the power practically echoing in the walls wherever you walked. And he noticed how you were falling under its spell.

Your eyes became dark and low, your steps became stronger, even the energy around you seemed to sizzle and burn in a deep red.

Kylo knew you were close, so he stayed where he was, letting you go into the darkness of the cave. He would never leave you far from him, but this was something you needed to do without him.

You walked deeper into the void, until the whirring and murmuring of the crystal was soon in front of you. You were in a dark daze.

Seeing it glow, holding your hand out and watching it poise above your palm.

Your eyes boring into the Kyber, pushing your mind, soul, and every last drop of your being into it. It was pulping you of all your vitality. The soft curves of the crystal turned pointed.

Edges that would slice open a diamond. It's white glow burning brighter. One of the sharpest points turned to face your hand, and without touching you it seemed to slice open your skin.

Your blood was a dark and deep red, the covet of your being seeping into the crystal and turning it the shade of your blood. An aphotic carnelian.

You watched in fascination as it imbibed your soul. It had become a part of you, you were a part of it. Bringing up your lightsaber and turning your fingers into a thin and entrancing faunce, trailing the crystal into its new home.

The glow of its deep and calloused red encapsed by your black and gold lightsaber.

Kylo saw from afar, the vermillion radiance of your weapon. The long and fiery blades luminos on either side of the hilt. It sounded deadly, powerful, untamed and raw. Matching the dark qualities of its wielder.

You twirled the hilt in between your fingers as if it were a baton, it seemed weightless and yet so destructful. It's hot warmth enveloping wherever you pass it.

But you held it tightly to your left, and felt warmth on your right.

Something was off.

Taking your lightsaber in your right hand, the blood in your palm covering the hilt. And you saw in the red glow, snarling teeth.

It was a large, black, hateful Loth Wolf. Hovering over you, its heaving breaths cascading over you. They were huge and dangerous.

You didn't want to hurt it, slowly stepping away from its looming and billowing figure. But it's sharp teeth snapped at you, a deep growl echoing through the walls of the cave.

That's when Kylo noticed it too. Running towards you, seeing how your new lightsaber sliced through the air. A burning sound when it touched the skin of the animal attacking you.

Standing firm as you eluded the creature, you had managed to defend yourself well, months of Kylo's training paying off.

You ducked away yet again from its snarling teeth, straightening up giving out broad strokes of the blade. It pounced behind you, bringing its salient claws to your back. Slicing through your clothing.

Burning your back with three stinging marks.

You screamed out feeling it pierce through your skin.

And that's when you were met with Kylo. He gripped you tight to his chest, pointing his own unstable fiery blaze to the face of the wolf. It snarled at him, circling the two of you.

"You're okay, you're okay." He tried comforting you.

But as the blood began to seep through your clothes and on to his, both of you knew you weren't okay.

Your lightsaber spewed down as you felt your legs going weak. Leaving only one source of light in the deep cave. Kylo began to lose the large figure in the shadows.

It's dark coat blending in with the depth of the surroundings.

He had lost it. He didn't know where it went.

He held you tight to him, one arm around the top of your chest while the other was holding his lightsaber out. Both of your hands were gripping at his arm around you.

Then with a deep growl he turned around and saw it jumping for you both, it's mouth open showing all of its sharp teeth.

Kylo held out his weapon, blocking you. Just being sure to keep it in front of you so you would be safe.

He was brought out of his protective daze as he heard yet another loud growl. A white Loth Wolf biting at the neck of the dark one. The two of them fighting in the shadows of the cave.

You felt Kylo pull you tighter into his grip as he began to run out of the hollow.

You were fading in and out of reality.

You saw the bright light of the sun, and then your eyes closed again.

You felt the whirring of the Command Shuttle start up.

You felt the cold air touch the bare skin of your back.

"No, no no, please," You heard Kylo's voice. You felt the seams of his gloves touch your skin.

And it all went away.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Opening your eyes to bright lights.

You were in a white room, it even sounded medical. Kylo was by your side, hood up and mask on. He shifted in your seat seeing how you were awake.

He tried talking to you but, you only heard muffles from his modified voice. You motioned for him to take it off.

He didn't like having it off in civilization like this, only doing it in the comfort when he was with you. So he took it off and restarted his sentence.

"They said you'll be okay, it went deep enough to tear a lamina and your brachial plexus, so, you're going to feel a little numb for a while, they said it's common you won't be able to move your arms that much okay?"

You looked at him in confusion.

"What did you just say?" Your head tilted.

Kylo sighed.

"Your back got a boo-boo."

"Okay- okay okay- don't call it that." You cut him off.

It hurt to move your arms, your neck, as if it had tore your entire spinal cord. Kylo's hand found comfort at your belly again. Gently rubbing his thumb over the thin medical fabric that was covering your skin.

'He needs to stop doing that'

"The Doctor is going to be back in to, check if you're, you know." He was scared if he said the word too many times it would make it not happen.

You just rolled your eyes. No matter how many times you told him you weren't he didn't believe you. Trying to tear away the fact there was even a possibility of you being pregnant.

"This is what- like, the fourth scar I've gotten because of you?" You teased.

Kylo almost looked put back.

"How is this my fault?" He said.

You slightly smiled seeing how you have only been up two minutes and already annoying him.

"I told you I didn't want to go in to that cave, but someone-"

"Hey hey hey, no, that's not my fault, if anything, blame the Kyber Crystal."

You laughed at his response. He was just happy to see you were going to be okay, even if it meant having to put up with your teasing.

"And besides," He started again, "We both know the first one was an accident."

You scoffed at what he said, trying to pull up the side of your wrist to show the small scar. You couldn't lift it, but he knew what you were trying to show him.

"You said 'look over there', I looked, and you pushed me into a pile of twigs and rocks," You were now bickering in the medical room you were given. "How is that an accident? Did the Dark Side make you push me? Is that why you're so evil now?" You gasped. "Was that the first appearance of Kylo Ren!?"

"I didn't think you were actually going to look!" His hand now moving off of your abdomen as he smiled at the memory.

"Kylo you said 'Look oh my gosh it's a Bulabird!' and you know how much I love those things."

"I was ten I didn't know how gullible people where." He laughed.

You loved hearing his laugh. He rarely did it, but when he did he was with you.

"Still don't know how it was an accident." Your snarkiness showing through.

"Awhh is your boo-boo making you have an attitude." He pouted.

You cringed at the word.

"Ew don't say that." You smiled.

"Well then don't call me daddy."

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" You yelled out as payback for him saying 'boo-boo'.

You pretended to moan it. "Oh fuck Daddy!" Doing anything to make him uncomfortable.

"Okay Sir-"

Quickly shutting up at the sound of someone else talking. The Doctor standing in the doorway wondering what he had just walked in to. If you could've covered your mouth in embarrassment you would've.

"Oop." Was all you said looking over at Kylo, your face as red as his lightsaber.

He tried to hide the smile on his face, turning to the Doctor.

"You were saying?" He said.

The man dressed in white, shifted in his stance, still having yet to grasp the concept he was in the same room as Kylo Ren, handling his wife. He was nervous to say the very least.

"Uhm- we can start the ultrasonography if you're ready." Walking up to the other side of your medical bed.

Kylo nodded, looking to you. You were finally going to prove him wrong, right?

The Doctor helped you lean up a little bit, untying the strings of the medical gown. He began to pull down the top of it. And Kylo nearly killed him.

He got out of his seat and gripped the wrists of the Doctor stopping him from pulling your dress down.

"Sir, I need to do it to get to her abdomen, would you prefer I pull up the other end?" Both of you were astonished by his bravery to say that to The Supreme Leader of The First Order.

"It's okay, they already wrapped me." You told Kylo.

Your chest and majority of your ribcage was clothed by medical tape for your back. So you were already covered.

Kylo let go of the Doctor, standing more firm by your side.

You whined when the Doctor helped your arms through the fabric, your Emperor watching intently that he wouldn't hurt you. The gown was now pushed down and folded to your hip bones.

He rested you back down on the bed. And you started to get nervous, not being able to move your arm up, but you grasped your fingers out. Kylo saw, taking your hand in his.

He was seen as a murderous and evil man. And yet here he was, holding your hand, getting ready to find out if he was going to be a father or not.

You were looking up at the ceiling, Kylo facing the screen that would show the results. Surprised by the feeling of cold solution being placed over your abdomen, it was met with the metal of the medical instrument. Prodding and pressing at your belly.

"And-" The Doctor stretched out his word.

You felt Kylo's grip tighten on your hand, then you heard his breath hitch.

'Why did you bite your breath like that?'

'What's happening what's wrong?'

'Oh my god I'm pregnant'

"We aren't picking up on anything," Continuing to try and find the life form Kylo swore was there, "I'm sorry but she isn't pregnant." The Doctor said, and you felt the metal pick off of your skin.

You knew this was going to be the answer, but yet your heart still sunk.

The Doctor had cleaned you off, helping you get dressed again. And Kylo had sat down in the seat next to you. Not saying a word to you.

Had he been upset? He looked upset.

You had your hands in your lap, messing with them to take away your focus on your emotions.

You felt heartbroken, even though you knew you weren't, a part of you hoped. The tears getting caught in the back of your throat when you went to speak.

"I-I-I'm sorry."

You grabbed Kylo's attention. He looked over at you, a bit of confusion on his face.

"What?" He said.

"I'm sorry Kylo." You sounded as hurt as you felt.

He got out of his seat and knelt down so he could be closer to you. His finger wiping away the tears you hadn't even noticed falling.

"Why are you sorry angel? It's okay," He comforted. You shook your head 'no'. "It'll be okay, we can try again when you're ready."

Heart wrenching when he said you could just try again. It wasn't as easy as that. And you felt guilty from keeping it from him so long.

"No, no Kylo," You whimpered, scared to say it. "I can't- I can't have kids." You said it and you hated it.

You've never said it out loud, hoping that if you never said it, it wouldn't be true.

He looked put back. Hurt. He looked confused.

"What?" He said.

Even his voice seemed upset.

"Uhm-Uhm after you, left, I tried for a while to. . . get-"

"You mean to say there were other, people?" Now he sounded angry.

Both of your minds shuddering at the thought of anyone but Kylo having you. It wasn't one of your best moments, but you still hoped to find success somewhere.

You didn't feel like you could speak. Quiet tears running down your face as you felt horrible and guilty for keeping it from him this long.

"I'm sorry Kylo, I'm so sorry." You cried, he deserved to know. But he deserved to know much sooner than this.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. Letting out a huff of air.

"You had our son and that wasn't a problem." He said, he was irritated.

His anger masking his sadness. He's never showed anyone how he'd cry. No one but you. But he still didn't want you to see him upset.

"Kylo, it wasn't that easy. I had to deal with some, medical things, and, it's difficult for me to get- pregnant." You hated talking about this topic, despised talking about all the things you could never have.

You had to watch your words when talking about this subject. You couldn't let the secret slip. But you were losing the grasp on the filter the longer your heart teared.

"But that doesn't mean you can't have them ever again? You had Luca and that wasn't a problem!" He just wanted to have a small bit of reassurance.

Kylo had wanted children and that idea just sounded foreign and unreal to everyon

Your heart broke completely at the name.

"Kylo!" You yelled, and even he slightly flinched, his eyes looked red as if he was going to cry. But you didn't know if it was out of sadness or anger. "I can't have kids okay? I can't have any more than the ones we've already had!"

'Fuck'

"What do you mean 'ones we've already had'?" Kylo looked at you, emotionless and unable to read his face.

The secret slipped.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

I'm a Sun Scorpio, Moon Gemini, and Rising Sagittarius, now who tf said "let's make this bitch have a wild ass emotional range but make it so she fails her driving test 4 FUCKING times"

Also: Tank has me in a goddamn choke hold


End file.
